Deep Surrendering: Episode Four Read online

  Against my will, I fell asleep and only woke to Fin kissing my forehead.

  “Damn. Sorry. It was the tacoma. You know, the coma you go into when you eat too many tacos.” I sat up and winced. Falling asleep against someone’s chest sounded like a good idea at the time, but it was inevitable you’d wake up with aches and pains.

  “It’s okay. This is a really good show. You were right. Fantastic sets, acting, and good storyline. I can’t understand why it was cancelled. All the good things get cancelled, and yet shows where talentless people sit and blink live on and have millions of watchers. It’s part of the reason I love books.”

  “You sounded a little ranty right there, Fin. I like it.” My shoulder popped and I winced. Fin grinned at me. “What?”

  “You have a mark from my shirt on your cheek. It’s cute.”

  I blushed and rubbed at my cheek to get rid of the mark. He might think it was cute, but I didn’t.

  Fin stopped the DVD and then there was a moment of silence.

  “I think I’m ready now,” he said, standing up and holding out his hand. Not very romantic, but if that was how it was going to go, then I was okay with that.

  He pulled me up and leaned down to kiss me, but I had an idea.

  “Wait! Just wait a second. There’s something I need to do first.” I dashed to my bedroom where I’d put the box of my candle samples. I couldn’t have planned that any better if I’d tried.

  I cleared off as much space as I could on my dresser and windowsill, and hastily set up some of the candles and lit them, making sure they wouldn’t set the apartment on fire and ruin the moment.

  Once I got everything arranged, I quickly put on a silky tank top, lacy underwear, and a matching set of shorts. Not too sexy, but just sexy enough. I hoped.

  I opened the door to my bedroom and leaned on the doorframe.

  “Hey.”

  “Hello, Marisol,” he said, stalking toward me. “You look lovely.”

  “Thank you,” I said as he stroked my sides, making my top ride up and expose my stomach. Slowly, I put my arms around his neck and he leaned his face down to kiss me. It took a while for his lips to meet mine, but I waited patiently, letting him set the pace.

  Patient. I had to be patient.

  While we kissed, Fin started backing me into the bedroom. He broke the kiss when he saw the candles.

  “Thought I’d set the mood. I also happened to have a bunch of candles kicking around,” I said as he watched the flickering light. The light licked at the shadows and hollows on his face.

  He shut the door behind us, and then the only light in the room was from the candles.

  “We could pretend we’re from a different time period.” I’d never thought about roleplaying before, but something told me Fin would be good at it.

  “I could be a colonial girl, and you’re the town clergyman, come to absolve me of my sins.” I twisted my fingers in the hair on the back of his neck.

  He chuckled low.

  “Or you could be a beautiful, sweet girl that I met at a bar. Who puts up with me changing my mind and makes me laugh and always looks sexy no matter what. Could you be that for me?”

  I pushed myself up on my toes and gave him one soft kiss.

  “Yes. I think I could be that girl for you.”

  He smiled and pulled the tank top over my head. Why had that been so difficult last night?

  His hands stroked down my front, swirling around my nipples that were instantly hard from his touch. My back arched toward him, but I made sure I stayed silent.

  He pinched my nipples, but his eyes didn’t leave my face. Yes, this was happening. We were doing this.

  And then he faltered for a moment.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but he stopped me.

  “No, I’m fine. I just needed a second. I’m fine. I’m fine.” Running his hands over my nipples again, he repeated himself. “I’m fine.”

  I stayed quiet as he got down on his knees, making him almost level with my chest.

  Not sure what I was supposed to do, I waited for his next move. This not talking wasn’t easy. It was like performing in a play without getting to see your lines beforehand.

  And then his tongue was in my bellybutton, and I didn’t give a shit what my lines were. He licked and kissed across my stomach, setting my skin aflame. With that one kiss, he’d flicked my sex switch to the on position. God, I wanted him so much.

  “You taste so good, sweet Mari Cherry.” His mouth moved lower, and he inched the silk shorts down my hips and let them fall to the floor before helping me lift my feet out of them.

  He had another moment, but shook his head and started kissing me again, this time moving along the band of the lace undies.

  I nearly screamed in frustration when he stood up.

  “Lay back.” His voice was so soft, so gentle, I was unprepared for it, only used to him commanding me.

  I did as he asked as he loosened his tie and bent down to remove his socks but kept everything else on. Someday I’d get to really look at him naked. Someday.

  He climbed on the bed next to me, caressing my face. “Do you have a condom?”

  I nodded and grabbed the one I’d left out on the nightstand, just in case he didn’t have one. He took it and put it in his back pocket.

  I wanted to ask if there was something I could do, but I didn’t want to talk. It was a conundrum.

  “I can feel that you want to say something. Go ahead,” he said, walking his fingers across my stomach.

  “Is there anything I can do for you? To make it easier?” With a normal guy, I’d suggest a handy or a blow job, but touching him was probably the last thing he wanted. That would definitely take him out of the moment.

  “If you could stay quiet and not touch me and maybe stay really still?” That didn’t sound that great, but sometimes you just had to get through things to get to something better. This felt like one of those times.

  “Okay. I’ll shut up starting now.” I sealed my lips together, and he gave me a brief smile before propping himself above me.

  He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose, as if gathering himself.

  Then his eyes snapped open and his mouth crushed mine. All my instincts were to wrap my arms around him and moan and pull him closer. But I had to slam the door on all of those things and stay still. It was easier said than done.

  I kissed him back though. Did I ever. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, and it danced with mine, saying what I couldn’t in words.

  Somewhere along the line my underwear vanished, and then I heard the zipper on his pants. I kept my eyes on his face as he sat up and rolled on the condom. Here we go. Moment of truth.

  Fin positioned himself and entered me slowly. So slowly. He grunted with the exertion and squeezed his eyes shut.

  I held absolutely still, balling my fists and digging my nails into my palms. He got all the way in and paused for a moment. His eyes snapped open and he looked down at my face.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Good.”

  He closed his eyes again and pulled his hips back until he was almost out of me before pushing back in again. There was another pause, and then he started to pick up the pace.

  It was the most excruciating way to have sex ever. I understood now why he put me on my back. To be able to see him, to feel him above me and not be able to touch him or say anything to him was awful.

  Like the sex was happening to me and not with me.

  Not that it wasn’t enjoyable. Fin and I had been together enough times that he knew what places to hit, and I was so built up that it didn’t take long before I was shuddering around him and biting my lip to stay quiet.

  His climax took longer. Much longer.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he thrust into me, eyes still closed.

  Whatever we were doing wasn’t working, so I decided to take another risk.

  “Look at me,” I snapped, r
eaching up and grabbing his chin. He stilled and froze, his eyes opening at the sound of my voice and my touch.

  “You, Fin Herald, are going to fuck me, and you’re going to fuck me right now. Got it?” I dug my fingers into his chin and then wrapped his tie around my wrist and brought his mouth to mine. Maybe this would get his attention.

  I closed my teeth on his bottom lip, biting down. He liked to spank me for not obeying him in the bedroom. I was going to give it right back to him.

  It was evident that no other girl had ever done this to him before. At least probably not the ones he paid.

  He tried to pull back, but I wouldn’t let him. I put my lust, all my frustration, all my anxiety over him leaving into that kiss. Let him resist that.

  I kept waiting for him to stop me. For him to pull away and use his safeword. But he didn’t. He growled into my mouth and thrust into me so hard, I thought he was going to rip me apart.

  I would have let him.

  Once he started kissing me, something ignited in Fin. This was what I always thought it would be like with him. Wild and harsh and free, and so intense it was too much and not enough all at the same time.

  I scratched his back and he bruised my thighs and bit my lip, and I bit his and we rolled around one another, locked in battle. I came so hard I knew I drew blood when I dug my fingers into his back, ripping his shirt, and my teeth into his lower lip.

  Everything I did just seemed to excite him more, make him go harder. The place between my legs where our bodies met was sore and tender, but I didn’t want him to stop. Silently, I begged him with my body. With everything I had.

  He went faster until I was afraid we were going to destroy each other. And then he arched above me and made an unintelligible sound before collapsing on me.

  We’d done it.

  Fin’s body was heavy on mine, and I had to tap him on the shoulder.

  “Can’t breathe,” I said, and he rolled off me, both of us completely wrecked. Neither of us spoke for what felt like an hour.

  “You bit me,” Fin said, wiping at his mouth and showing me the smear of blood from his lip.

  “Sorry. Heat of the moment. You weren’t very gentle with me either,” I said, shifting my hips and wincing. I poked at them and knew I was going to have bruises. Never mind the road rash from the vigorous sex.

  “I should be mad at you, but I’m still too turned on,” he said. Damn, really?

  “So it was good for you? Despite the biting, and I think I might have left some marks on your back.” He rolled onto his stomach and I inspected his shirt. Yup, I’d torn it with my nails, and there were red marks that had little beads of blood welling out of them. God, I’d done some damage. I didn’t know it was that bad. Heat of the moment, indeed.

  “My back is fine. It’s my brain that I’m not sure is going to recover. That was…” He waved his hand, searching for a word. “That was much better than I thought it was going to be. I was afraid there, for a minute. If I was going to be able to finish. But then you took control.”

  “And you let me. That was pretty awesome. How do you feel?” Gingerly, I turned over onto my stomach.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’m still shocked that I liked it.”

  “It was pretty good. I mean, from my perspective. I didn’t think I’d like it rough like that. But there’s a lot of things I’ve done with you that I didn’t think I’d like.”

  “Same here.” He brushed my hair away from my face and stroked my back. “Thank you for experiencing that with me. For letting me take my time and drag my feet. You have the patience of a saint.”

  “Not quite. Just enough to deal with you, I guess.”

  One of the candles guttered out.

  “Very funny.”

  I got up and went to use the bathroom. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to do it naked with me? There was that time in the shower that I’d rather forget about.” I was over the fact that he hadn’t used a condom, since he’d felt awful and had made up for it, but that didn’t mean it was now a fond memory.

  “One step at a time. Would you like your secret now?”

  I lay back down on the bed, and he moved closer to me. “I get face-to-face sex and a secret? I’m a lucky girl. If you want to share, go ahead.” I rested my head in the crook of my arm and let his fingers wander over my body.

  “My father bought me a woman for my sixteenth birthday. He didn’t know about the sex with my cousin, and he still thought I was a virgin. I hid my whoring around well. I’d already started to get into the darker side of sex, and most girls my age wouldn’t go for it. So my parents threw this lavish party for me, but it was really for them to show off. I didn’t even know most of the people there. By the end of it, I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed. But my father had me driven to a hotel, and he handed me a room key for the penthouse and told me not to come home until I’d gotten his money’s worth.”

  I always tried to remain neutral when he told me stories about his past, but it was almost as hard as remaining still and silent when we had sex. My natural reaction was shock at what he told me.

  “You okay?” He felt the tension and revulsion in my body, and his fingers stopped moving along my hip.

  “Yeah. Keep going.”

  “I had an idea of what he was talking about, but it wasn’t until I opened the door and found the woman that I knew what he’d done. She was young. Just a little older than I was. Cute, huge brown eyes. Blonde hair with blue tips. She was scared, obviously, and I think he picked her because of that. I was angry at him about the party, and angry about a lot of things and … and I took it out on her.”

  I couldn’t suppress the shudder that rippled down my spine.

  “I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did to her. It’s one of the things I regret the most.” He closed his eyes. “She did well, and I tried to be gentle with her. She thanked me for it, afterwards.”

  How was it possible not to be a little fucked up when your father got you a hooker for your birthday? What happened to a car?

  “That was my first taste of what I could have if I paid for it. I found her again, afterwards, saw her again. She was always up for whatever I wanted, whatever depravity I could come up with. I explored with her, and then she introduced me to other girls, and then I fell into that world and I haven’t come up for air.”

  His hand stopped moving again.

  “Until now, I guess. Being with you is like breathing deep for the first time in a long time.”

  He stopped speaking, waiting for my reaction. As always, I gave myself a minute to think about what he’d told me. If it changed my view of him. We were both waiting for that one secret he’d tell me that would tip me over the edge. That one that I wouldn’t be able to get past. It hadn’t happened yet, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t.

  “That’s seriously fucked up, Fin. But you know that.”

  He rolled over and winced. “Yes, I do.”

  “I can’t believe he’d do that. No wonder he gives me the heebies.”

  “He does that to a lot of people.”

  I don’t know what made me ask the next question, but for some reason I needed to know. “What’s her name?”

  “She’s never told me her real name. I just call her Sapphire.”

  We stayed in bed until nearly all the candles went out. I had all sorts of questions about hiring a hooker, but I didn’t want to ask any of them. So I talked about other things.

  “Have you ever gotten high?” I liked talking into the night, when Fin was free with his words.

  “More times than I’d like to count.”

  “On just pot, or other stuff too?”

  He hesitated, but really, how much worse could it be than having sex with a prostitute?

  “Come on, tell me. I’ve only smoked pot once or twice. Stupid college stuff. And I borrowed somebody’s ADHD pills once to study for a test. But that’s all. I don’t even drink that much. I don’t like feeling like I’m impaired. Like
I’m not myself. Like I’m not in control.”

  “I know,” he said. “That’s why I stopped. I liked the whole not-feeling or pleasant-feeling aspect, but for a control freak, drugs don’t really work out. I had to stop because it was affecting my job. So then I just turned to sex and that was my drug. Better high.” He gave me a grim smile. Yeah, the high from sex was definitely worth it. And much healthier for you than coke or heroin. At least, up to a certain point.

  “You’re a total bad boy. Sloane told me that I’ve always been secretly attracted to them.”

  “Really? I’ve never thought of myself that way.”

  The last candle went out, pulling us into darkness.

  “But I guess I am.”

  I asked Fin if he wanted to sleep in my bed with me or if he wanted to take the couch. I didn’t even bother to suggest I sleep on the couch. I knew he’d never go for it.

  “I think I can stay here. I’ve done it before. I think I can do it again.”

  “And the sex? Do you think the sex could happen again?” Before he left, preferably.

  “Maybe. I leave on Friday. It’s almost Thursday.” I glanced at the clock and saw that he was right. Shit. He was leaving in a little over a day. How had the time gone that fast?

  “You can’t go,” I said, wiggling closer to him.

  “I have to. But now I have a reason to come back. And something to look forward to. Do you … do you think we should stay in touch?”

  What a stupid question. Of course we should.

  “Absolutely. I’d miss you if you just dropped out of my life. We can video chat and text, and I know it’s going to be weird with the time difference, but we’ll make it work. Right?”

  “We can try. I can send you souvenirs and stupid touristy things.” That would definitely give me something to look forward to. “And talking with you will help me pass some of the time. Meetings can be terribly dull and long when we have to get everything translated.” Fin’s company worked almost exclusively with foreign companies who wanted to break into US markets. Some of the companies had English speakers on staff, but some of them didn’t, so negotiations and presentations could take forever.