Deep Surrendering: Episode Eleven Read online

  Deep Surrenderings, Episode 11

  Copyright © 2015 Chelsea M. Cameron

  www.chelseamcameron.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

  Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

  Edited by GreatImaginations.com

  Interior Design by NovelNinjutsu.com

  “So, what happens now?” I asked as Fin filled a bowl with soup and pushed it across the counter at me. “I mean, with us.” It was hard not to jump up and throw my arms around him and hold him to make sure he was still here and he was still real. I’d thought about this moment for so long, but I never thought it was actually going to happen.

  Fin sighed and got a bowl of soup for himself and then sat on the stool next to me. He folded his arms and stared into his soup.

  “That’s a good question that I think we’re going to have to talk a lot about. I know what I want, but I need to know what you want.” Him. I obviously wanted him, but could we make this work? Technically, we hadn’t even truly dated. We knew how to have sex, that’s for sure, but could we do the day-to-day? The dates and the phone calls and dealing with stupid things. And in the larger picture, where would this go? Marriage? Children? Laundry and bills and joint tax returns?

  “Okay,” I said, blowing on a spoonful of soup so I didn’t burn my mouth, “what do you want?” He looked up from the bowl and his eyes blazed into mine. His hair was still a little damp and I couldn’t stop myself from touching it.

  “You know what I want, Marisol. I wouldn’t have told you I loved you if I was going to bail. You are… You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You’ve taught me so much about myself, about love, about truly accepting another person. You’re so good and so right and I want to be good and right for you. I just want you. I need you. I don’t want to lose you. Ever. I know I sent you that letter saying I was letting you go, but… I can’t now.” Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. He’d said wonderful things before, but this on top of telling me he loved me was just too much.

  I ducked my head to hide my tears.

  “I don’t want to lose you either,” I whispered as his hand reached through my curtain of hair. He took hold of my chin and tipped my head up so I met his eyes again. Using his other hand, he wiped away the tears that flowed down my cheeks.

  “Happy tears?” he asked.

  “Happy tears,” I said.

  “I only want to make you cry happy tears from now on.”

  “I like that idea.” He wiped away the rest of the tears.

  We both ate our soup and I sensed Fin was trying to think of what to say next. This moment seemed so anti-climactic. Both of us in his apartment eating soup.

  “I have something to ask you,” he said when our soup bowls were both empty. I could definitely go for seconds, but I wanted to know what he was going to ask first.

  “Go ahead.” The answer will be yes, I don’t say. I’d pretty much say yes to anything he asked me right now.

  “Would you…” he trailed off and chuckled to himself, smiling.

  “Would I what?” I said. He got up from the stool and took both of my hands in his. For a brief second, I thought he was going to get on his knees and propose. But that was preposterous. We were nowhere near being ready for that.

  “Would you, Marisol Everly, be my girlfriend?” He just looked so sweet asking me. I couldn’t help but smile. Before I could say anything, he continued. “I know I’ve never exactly combined sex and love, but I want to try with you. I’ll need you to tell me when I’m doing it wrong, or if you’re unhappy. I would never, ever want you to be unhappy.” I reached out and put one hand on his mouth.

  “Shh.” He stopped and waited for me. This was quite a change. I wasn’t used to Fin being so… compliant. Willing to let me be in control. I liked it and hoped it was a view of things to come.

  “Yes, Fin Herald, I will be your girlfriend. I haven’t exactly been successful at dating either. We’ll fumble through it together.” He smiled against my hand and his tongue flicked out and licked my palm.

  The air in the room changed, thickening and growing warmer. Fin licked my hand again and I couldn’t deny what I wanted any longer.

  And then he pulled away.

  “We shouldn’t.” I nodded and leaned back. We definitely shouldn’t right now. But I didn’t know how long I could resist him. It had been a while since I’d had physical contact with Fin and I ached for it. I needed him in a fundamental way.

  He cleared his throat and grabbed both of the soup bowls, rinsing them in the sink before putting them in the dishwasher.

  “I think, if we’re going to make this relationship work, we should… start over. I don’t mean that we should ignore everything that’s already happened, but maybe go back and do things the right way. Have dates where I drop you off at the end of the night with just a kiss. I don’t want to fuck this up, Marisol. I want that more than anything.” He shut the dishwasher and I jumped. I understood what he was doing and I liked the idea of it. I just wasn’t sure how it would go in practice.

  I was having an excruciating time keeping my hands off him and it was only going to get worse the longer I was with him.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” I said. He breathed what seemed like a sigh of relief.

  “I really want to do this right,” he said. I got up off my stool and walked toward him.

  “Don’t worry, I’m just going to hug you. Hugs are allowed, right?” He nodded and I put my arms around him. He wrapped his arms around me and I let myself sink into his chest. Just being surrounded by his scent made a tightness in my chest loosen. When he was gone, I always felt like something was missing. Now, I was at peace. Things were back the way they should be. We just had to try to keep them that way, and it wasn’t going to be easy.

  “I really, really missed you,” I said as he stroked my hair.

  “Oh darling, you have no idea.”

  In honor of our new dating rules, I didn’t stay the night at Fin’s. He came with me as Carl drove me home and gave me one soft kiss on the front steps before turning around and walking back to the car. Still, that kiss set my lips on fire and made me liquid. I could barely walk to the elevator.

  After I walked into my apartment, I checked my phone. I’d turned it off when I was with Fin because I had the feeling I was going to get all sorts of messages from Sloane asking what was going on.

  Bingo. I knew her too well.

  Instead of answering the myriad of messages, I called her.

  “Well?” she said by way of answering.

  “Well, I guess I have you to thank. You’re quite the sneak when you want to be.”

  “I’m a giver. I just want everyone to be happy. And it was totally worth it to see the look on your face.” I bet it was quite something. “And in exchange for my help in the name of love, I demand details.” Of course. I laughed and flopped down on the couch and told her that Fin and I were officially together and we were going to take it slow, starting with the ball.

  Starting over.

  That made me think of the letter I’d written him, saying all the things I wanted to say when he was away.

  I finished the conversation with Sloane as soon as I could and then got the letter out. Damn, it was long and some parts were hard to read because my brain had moved faster than my pen. I skimme
d the words and tried to decide if I ever wanted him to see this. Then I saw the mention of Chase and decided not to. Fin didn’t want to hear about the guy who’d flirted with me and who I’d spent time with while he was gone.

  Folding up the letter, I decided not to throw it away, but to tuck it in a drawer. Maybe I’d show him someday. Not today, though. Not today.

  I couldn’t sleep that night and my cheeks were numb from smiling. I just couldn’t help it. Fin was back and he was free. Even if he hadn’t wanted to be with me, I’d be ecstatic for him. But now we’re together and it’s the best possible outcome. Plus, I had a date for the ball.

  I got up the next morning before my alarm and skipped around my living room. Two days until the ball. I had been struck by Cinderella-itis. I couldn’t stop thinking happy thoughts.

  Fin texted me that morning and I nearly broke my jaw from smiling.

  Just wanted to check and see how my girlfriend is doing this morning.

  I was so eager to answer him, I nearly sent a message back with an embarrassing autocorrect.

  She’s doing very well. And how is my boyfriend this morning?

  I felt like I was sixteen and passing notes in class. I looked up to see if anyone was watching me, but of course no one was. You always think that people are watching you and concerned with what you’re doing, but it’s almost never the case.

  He is missing his girlfriend.

  Ditto. I was about to write something else when I realized if I didn’t get going, I’d be late for my next class. I rushed and got the last available seat. Thankfully, I remembered to turn my phone off so I wasn’t one of those people whose phone rang during class and disrupted everything. That had never happened to me and I wanted to keep it that way.

  It wasn’t easy to focus, but I did my very best. I couldn’t fall apart now that Fin was back. If anything, I should be less distracted because I wasn’t always wondering where he was and if he was okay. I knew where he was. He was home and he was safe and it was going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. It was nice. More than nice. It was the best.

  In addition to the messages from Fin, I got one from Chase. I felt horrible, because I’d almost forgotten about him, what with all the Fin stuff going on. It was a simple message, asking me if I wanted to study and get coffee. I chewed on my lip, not sure what to do. If Chase were a girl, Fin wouldn’t care if I had coffee with her and studied. But Chase was a guy and he was a guy that might have become someone if Fin wasn’t around.

  In the end, I decided to send him message back saying that I couldn’t tonight, but maybe some other time. That would give me a few days to decide what to do.

  Fin and I messaged back and forth all day and I couldn’t wait until I could see him. We were planning on having our first dinner out and I was a little nervous, which was silly. After I got home from school, I spent forever getting ready, making sure I had every hair in place. I chose a purple dress that I’d bought on a whim when I was missing Fin. It was absolutely perfect for tonight.

  I left my hair down, which meant he would hopefully run his fingers through it, and kept my makeup light. Still, I checked myself a million times in the mirror before Fin buzzed and I let him up.

  When I opened the door, I was presented with a bouquet of lilacs. Of course. I inhaled their fragrance and then pushed them out of the way so I could see Fin’s face.

  “I knew my boyfriend was back there somewhere,” I said and he smiled so big it made my heart swell.

  “Hello, girlfriend,” he said. “Are you ready for our date?”

  I leaned forward and meant to give him a quick kiss, but it turned into something more and I had to put both hands on his chest and push myself away from him so I wouldn’t try to cram my tongue down his throat.

  Both of us were a little breathless.

  “We should probably not let ourselves do that again,” he said, licking his lips. “Although, I definitely didn’t get enough.” Me neither.

  I had to stop staring at his lips. I definitely needed to stop staring at them, because when I stared at them, I wanted to kiss them. So I looked up at his eyes and that was even worse.

  Fin cleared his throat and that snapped me out of my lust haze.

  “Shall we?” he presented me with his arm.

  “Just a minute. I’m going to put these in some water.” It was just like the first time we’d gone out. Well, I hadn’t been his girlfriend at the time. Now I was. My boyfriend brought me flowers.

  I filled one of the vases he’d gotten me and then got my coat. It was a little chilly tonight.

  I took Fin’s arm and we rode the elevator down to the first floor. Carl was waiting by the open car door. I wanted to give him a hug, but restrained myself.

  “It’s nice to see you again under better circumstances, Miss Marisol,” he said as he got in the driver’s seat.

  “Much better circumstances,” I said as Fin put his arm around me. I slid over so I was sitting in the middle of the backseat, right up against Fin. I didn’t need any space between us. Not even a few feet in a car.

  “The best,” Fin said in my ear as Carl pulled away from the curb.

  “So, where are we going?” I asked. Part of me didn’t want to know, and wanted to be surprised, but part of me hated surprises and wanted to know.

  Fin shook his head.

  “Nope. Not going to tell you. I haven’t had a chance to surprise you in a while and I’m looking forward to this.” I wasn’t going to lie, I’d missed him, but I’d also missed this. The excitement of going out and just being with someone. I’d been pretty lonely for a while. A lot of that had been self-inflicted. I just hadn’t wanted to go out or see a lot of people. I still had Chloe and Sloane and Rory, but it wasn’t the same. They couldn’t fill that boyfriend place.

  “Fine,” I said, inching closer to him. “I’ll let you get away with it this time.”

  He chuckled.

  “Oh, I plan on getting away with a lot before the night is over.” Butterflies burst to life in my stomach. Oh, how I’d missed this. The flirting and the anticipation and the excitement.

  “Maybe if you’re good I’ll let you,” I said. He kissed the side of my forehead.

  “What if I’m bad?”

  “I might let you get away with even more.”

  We ended up in the park, near where we had our first date. The car pulled up next to something that I couldn’t see in the dark.

  “Give me one moment,” Fin said as he got out of the car. I waited for a few minutes, wondering what the hell he was doing until some lights came on. I peered out the window and saw what appeared to be one of those airstream campers. Like something you’d see out of an old movie. There were lights strung along the top, and on the awning Carl and Fin were adjusting. I couldn’t wait any longer, so I got out of the car.

  “What is this?” I said and Fin spun around.

  “You weren’t supposed to get out of the car yet. I probably should have blindfolded you,” he said, his eyes darkening a little. Oh, if he had put a blindfold on, that probably would have led to both of us being naughty and we might not have made it to dinner.

  “Well, now that I’m out of the car, what’s this?” I gestured to the trailer. It was a lit up and looked absolutely adorable. “Are we camping?” I looked around, but the park was mostly vacant. Still, this thing could be a beacon for trouble.

  “No,” Fin said, nodding to Carl and then going to open the door for me and hold out his hand so I could walk up the steps. Curious, I walked toward him and stepped into the camper.

  “Oh, Fin,” I said. The place was filled with candles. They were on every surface and made the tiny space glow. On the little table was…

  “Fish tacos?” I asked.

  “And gelato for dessert,” he said, coming in after me. I turned around and the sight of him in the candlelight was almost more than I could take.

  “Where did you get this?” I asked, gesturing to the camper.

  “
I bought it. I thought maybe we could hitch it up and take it somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe across the US.” A road trip with Fin? I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.

  “You bought it just for this?” He gestured for me to sit down and I did. The camper was cramped, but cozy and with the candlelight it was absolutely magical.

  I sat down and felt a little foolish that I’d spent so much time on my hair and outfit.

  “And may I say how lovely you look in purple?” he said as he sat down. Of course he was dressed to impress, complete with his purple silk tie. I wanted to wrap my hand around it and use it to bring his mouth to mine. Screw the tacos. I wanted him for dinner. And dessert. And everything after that. Fin was staring at me, waiting for a response. Oops. I’d gotten distracted by lust-filled thoughts. Trés embarrassing.

  “Thank you,” I said, messing with my hair. He sat down and doled out the food. There was really no glamorous way to eat them, so we just dug in. I wasn’t worried about Fin seeing me with taco all over my face.

  “I hunted down the guy who runs the food truck and forced him to make these,” Fin said as we ate.

  “You’re ridiculous sometimes. You could have just gotten the recipe and made them yourself. Or paid someone to make them for you,” I said, shaking my head.

  “But then it wouldn’t have been the same.”

  True. These were the absolute best fish tacos ever.

  Fin poured out some wine, which we hadn’t had last time, but was a nice addition. I tried not to get sauce all over my face as I ate.

  “I want it to be like this,” he said as he lay his napkin on his empty plate. “All the time.”

  “You want to eat fish tacos and gelato in a trailer every night?” Ugh, I should not have eaten that extra taco. I was definitely going to regret that later.

  “No, I want to have dinner with you every night. I want to… be domestic. Buy groceries and pick out drapes and walk the dog,” he said.

  “You don’t have a dog.”

  “But we could get a dog. Wouldn’t you like to have a dog?”