Deep Surrendering (Episode Three) Read online

  Deep Surrenderings, Episode 3

  Copyright © 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron

  www.chelseamcameron.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

  Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

  Edited by GreatImaginations.com

  Interior Design by Novel Ninjutsu.com

  “You can’t go to Europe. I forbid it,” I said as Fin and I walked hand-in-hand across the Harvard campus. The location had been his suggestion, and I realized I’d never actually seen most of it. I’d applied here, but hadn’t gotten in.

  Most of the students had departed for the summer holidays, but there were still some out and about, basking in the sunshine.

  “Fine. I won’t go back. But someone is going to have to tell my father,” he said. I shuddered and he squeezed my hand tighter and gave me a smile. He hadn’t told me much about his father, but I knew a little, and Rory had filled in some of the blanks. Ruthless businessman, rarely smiled, always wore a suit. The epitome of the patriarch of a public relations’ firm. I’d seen him from a distance at some of the charity events I helped organize, but I’d always been too intimidated to approach him. His son had inherited that quality.

  “No, thanks. I think I’ll pass. But maybe you could just fake your own death or something. That seems to work in novels and soap operas. You could have a whole new identity.” The wind blew some of his coal-black hair in his face, and I reached to push it back for him.

  He smiled at me and bent down to give me a kiss. Today I had the fun, flirty, sweet Fin. But tonight? Dark Fin would return, and I inwardly shivered in anticipation of meeting my dark prince again. Fun Fin would let me hold his hand, kiss him, and hug him. Dark Fin didn’t want to be touched, kept in control, and only kissed me if he wanted to. I liked them both.

  “So what would my new name be?” he asked after he broke the kiss. We started walking along the path again, watching as several students tossed a Frisbee back and forth.

  “Hmmm, that’s a good question. How about…” I tapped my chin with the hand that wasn’t holding Fin’s.

  “Jason Storm?” he suggested. I snorted and shook my head.

  “No, that sounds like a bad superhero name. How about Fitzwilliam?” Fin just gave me a look.

  “It’s Mr. Darcy’s name,” I said.

  “I know.” I knew that he knew. I’d seen a copy of Pride and Prejudice on his myriad of bookshelves.

  We stopped and he backed me up against a tree. I put my arms around his neck and clung to him.

  “You can’t go,” I said again, breathing him in. He only used a little cologne, and the rest of his smell was a combination of things, like detergent and mouthwash and his indefinable Fin smell. It reminded me of nights spent looking up at the stars.

  “I have to,” he said, threading his hands through my hair. “But I don’t want to. I’d rather stay here with you. I’ve never had a good reason to stay put, and now there’s you.” I felt the same way. It was so soon, too soon, to feel this way. But nothing had been slow with Fin.

  He wrinkled his forehead.

  “I’m sorry, that was too much. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to put pressure on you.” He was putting a little pressure on me. The harsh bark of the tree dug into my back, but I didn’t mind.

  “No, it’s okay. I feel it too.” I pulled him closer and he ducked his head, breathing next to my ear.

  “I wish I could bring you with me,” he said, holding me tight.

  I leaned my head up and raised myself on my toes so I could whisper in his ear.

  “How big is your suitcase?”

  “So who was that tall drink of sex water we saw you with when this one hid under the table?” Chloe asked, jabbing her finger in my direction. She’d come over with the intention of borrowing … something, but she just happened to show up to get it when Fin was over. And I couldn’t seem to get her to leave.

  Fin looked at me and I just shook my head at Chlo. Good thing I was used to her doing shit like this.

  “That was a coworker. Her name is Serena and she’s straight. Sorry. She’s also engaged to another one of our coworkers, but you didn’t hear that from me.” He winked at us conspiratorially. “He was out of town and she didn’t want to be alone.”

  “Is that what she told you?” Chloe said, cutting me off before I could say anything.

  “Yes. And knowing Serena, it’s true. She’s always got to be surrounded by people,” Fin said.

  “I was hoping she was your cousin,” I finally said. “But she’s not.”

  “No, she’s not. But I’d rather not talk about her right now, because I’m here with you.” He pulled me closer to his side and kissed my cheek.

  “Good answer, good answer,” Chloe said, giving him a slow clap of applause. “And on that note, I should let you do whatever you’re going to do. Make good choices.” She hopped up from the couch, gave Fin an intense look, blew me a kiss, and strutted out of the apartment, slamming the door.

  “You have interesting friends,” Fin said. “Mine are much more boring.” This was the first I was hearing of Fin actually having friends.

  I didn’t respond. Friends?

  “I have friends,” he said. “They exist. I swear.”

  “Uh-huh. I believe you. It’s just hard to, um, believe because you can’t date normally, so I figured you wouldn’t do friendship the same. Which sounds dumb now that I’m saying this out loud. Forget what I said.”

  “No, it’s a fair point. Well, I guess my friends are mostly coworkers, since those are the people I see the most.” He thought for a moment. “And then there are some people I’ve met doing … other things, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider them friends.” His face changed whenever we got close to something he didn’t want to tell me. We were still doing the “one secret per night” deal. I hadn’t gotten my secret for tonight yet.

  “What would you consider them?” I asked.

  He sighed and moved until he faced me. “That’s another conversation for another night,” he said, brushing my hair over my shoulder. The air sizzled between us, and I could feel the shift to darker Fin. I’d wanted to stay at his place, but he’d said he wanted to stay here tonight. And by stay, I hoped he meant for the entire night, including sleeping.

  “Is it?” I asked, my voice squeaking a little.

  “Mmhmm,” he said, stroking the sides of my face and then fluttering his fingers down to my shoulders. I knew what would happen if I let him continue.

  I grabbed on to his wrists and stopped his ministrations.

  “Secret first,” I said, as he fought my grip a little. He looked up into my eyes as if he was going to protest.

  But then he sighed and relented.

  “You agreed,” I said, giving him his hands back.

  “I did.”

  Fin moved away from me. He seemed to crave distance when he talked about his past. I gave him his space and waited, scarcely breathing.

  “Remember how I told you I pay for sex?”

  How could I forget? I saved myself from making a sarcastic response by just nodding and biting my lip.

  He took a deep breath and then held it for what seemed like forever.

  “There are women, all over the world that I see.” I figured that out on my own. I couldn’t quite see where this was going yet, but he’d
stopped talking and I thought maybe he needed some encouragement to get the rest of it out.

  “And?” I said, tentative. I hated to say anything and break the spell he seemed to go under when he talked about things like this.

  “And one of them is in Boston. She works at a club that I visit.” Now I was the one holding my breath.

  Were there such clubs in Boston? Well, there probably were, but the average person wouldn’t know about them and they definitely wouldn’t be advertised as attractions to visit in a travel brochure.

  “Oh?” Every time he told me a new secret, I had this fear that this would be the one that I wasn’t able to handle. That this secret would cause me to reach the limit of what I could stand with him and then I’d have to say goodbye.

  “And I went and saw her last week. After I left you. We didn’t do anything. I was too busy thinking of you. I was upset and I didn’t know what else to do. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, Marisol, but I don’t have very good coping skills.” Yes, I had noticed that, but it wasn’t the biggest issue at the present moment.

  It was one thing to have him tell me that he visited hookers, prostitutes, whatever you wanted to call them, but it was another to know he’d seen one right after seeing me. Or before, actually.

  He waited for my reaction, poised in his chair as if he was going to bolt again. Yet another failed coping mechanism. Run away when things get hard. Literally.

  “Okay. Okay. Okay.” I kept saying it, emphasizing different parts of the word. I didn’t really know what else to say.

  Once again, I wasn’t going to throw him a party, but this was yet another fact to put in the Fin File I’d started assembling in my mind.

  “So you went to see her. To have sex?” I just needed to clarify that before we went forward. Perhaps it would be better if we did the secret thing after we had sex. It wasn’t the best foreplay at the moment.

  “Yes. But the moment I looked at her, and she wasn’t you, I couldn’t, and I’m not sure if I can ever go back.” His eyes gazed at something far away that I couldn’t see, or even imagine.

  He orbited in a strange world filled with people I would never meet.

  “Ever go back to her, or to all of it?”

  He inhaled again. “I don’t know, Marisol. I just don’t know. But there you go. One secret.” He put his hands on his knees like he was going to get up, but I put my hand up to stop him.

  “Wait, I just … I need a second before we, you know.” He sat back and nodded. I wasn’t feeling particularly amorous at the moment, despite the fact that he said he’d been thinking of me and that was why he didn’t get it on with that woman. It was sweet, in a twisted way.

  “Can we just,” I said, looking around, “can we just put on the brakes and do something else for a little while?” He nodded, his eyes unreadable.

  “Cool. Okay.” I got up and searched for something to amuse us with while I mentally processed. I didn’t want to watch a movie, so I went to the cupboard under the TV and brought out several board games.

  I held up Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit.

  “Pick one,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t think this was the height of lame. I also had Jenga.

  “Scrabble,” he said, pointing. The barest hint of amusement touched his lips. It was like a pre-smile.

  “Scrabble it is. I’ll warn you, I know a lot of words.” I cleared a few things off the coffee table and set the board up.

  “You do? Care to make things interesting?” Of course Fin was competitive. I wouldn’t have expected anything less from a man who loved control.

  “Maybe. Stakes?”

  “Winner gets to plan a date activity and the loser has to go along with it. No matter what.” Hmm, that was interesting. Mostly I’d let Fin pick our dates, but he’d asked for my input here and there on different places I liked.

  “Deal,” I said, picking my letter tiles from the bag after shaking it up.

  “No matter what,” Fin said, his eyes glittering. Yes. This was going to be interesting.

  Fin did know a lot of words. He was a voracious reader, and I had to admit that some of the words he played I’d only heard once or twice in my life, and had never actually used in conversation. But my endless studies had also given me a store of academic buzzwords, and I was using them as much as I could. And so far neither of us had to use any dirty words. I didn’t know if he was avoiding them, or if they just hadn’t come up.

  “Eschew,” I said, setting down my tiles. I counted up my points and recorded them. I was in the lead by a narrow margin. I tried not to gloat, but it wasn’t easy.

  Fin stared at the board with more concentration than I’d seen on world class chess players. He propped his chin on his clasped hands and looked at the board from different angles, searching.

  Finally, his mask of focus cracked and he set down his tiles.

  “Quark.” Damn. He’d gotten a lot of points with that Q. I groaned inwardly and wrote his points down. I half-expected trash talking, but Fin was the silent type. He would make an excellent poker player.

  I looked at my letters for a long time. I was trying to build from another word because I had an X, and if I could get it on a triple word score, I could get myself ahead again. There were only a few tiles left in the bag, so this was crunch time.

  I mirrored his posture, making my face serious and clasping my hands.

  At last, I saw it.

  “Xenon. Boom.” I used up all but one of my tiles and looked up at him, triumphant.

  He narrowed his eyes and shook his head slowly. “I’ll warn you, I’m not a very gracious loser. I’ll probably have to punish you for this.”

  “For winning? How is that fair? It’s not my fault I’m smarter.” That made his eyes narrow to slits and I knew I was teetering on the edge of something.

  He just shook his head again before reaching out, swiping the board off the coffee table and diving at me, pinning me to the floor.

  I gasped and then my lungs were crushed under his weight.

  “I told you I was bad at losing,” he said, raising himself onto his elbows but still holding me down with his hips.

  “Cheater,” I said, matching his glare from earlier.

  “I just decided I didn’t want to lose.” I stared up into his eyes, noting that dark Fin was here and I didn’t think he was going anywhere anytime soon.

  “You have a tile in your hair,” he said.

  “What letter?”

  “It’s a T.”

  “Oh.” The air seemed to heat and thicken between us and breathing became difficult. He was so close, but he hadn’t done anything other than the tackling.

  “Tell me you want me,” he said, his voice soft and almost pleading.

  “I want you. I really, really want you.” I reached up and stroked the side of his face. He’d shaved this morning, and the stubble was just starting to show again. I imagined how the prickling would feel against my skin and shivered in anticipation.

  Want rolled over me like a wave, consuming me and making me forget everything else.

  “Are you ready?” he asked.

  I nodded. Was I?

  I was going to find out.

  “Take off your clothes.” By this time, I was used to Fin’s brusque manner when it came to sex. Did I wish for a slow seduction? Sure, who didn’t? But standing naked in front of him as his eyes devoured my body was pretty sexy too.

  I just wished I could see his body, but that wasn’t allowed. Someday, maybe. We would have to build up enough trust. Him for me and me for him.

  Once he had looked at me long enough to suit his liking, he told me to go and bend over the couch. Oh, the couch. The site of the first time he’d run away on me. I hoped this time wouldn’t be a repeat. I bent over the arm of the couch, grateful there was enough padding on the armrest. Fin came up behind me and ran a hand down my spine, stroking my vertebrae.

  I waited.

  His footsteps were loud in the quiet room as he assess
ed me. Two pillows were placed under my hands to prop me up. But then he pushed my head down until my face rested on them. I turned my face to the side so I could see him in my peripheral vision.

  I kept silent. That was another one of Fin’s rules, and a hard one for me to follow.

  “I love looking at you from the front, seeing your beautiful eyes and your smile and every other part of you, but I love you like this. The delicate curve of your spine and where it ends…” He stroked my spine from my neck to my tailbone. He kept going, and stroked all the way to my clit, making me inhale sharply. I was ready for him. I was always ready for him. He ran his finger in a circle on my clit once before reversing direction and going back up my spine.

  “Wait there,” he said, and his touch vanished from my skin.

  I craned my neck to see where he’d gone. He’d probably get mad at me for moving, but I couldn’t help it. The anticipation was killing me.

  The sound of the fridge being opened was an odd one. What was he doing in there? Was he going to make himself a sandwich and then eat it off my back? I tried to think what kind of food I had in my fridge. Nothing sexy like strawberries and chocolate. I might have a thing of whipped cream in there, but it was the crappy canned variety, and I didn’t think that would be the kind of thing Fin would go for.

  Something clattered on the floor in the kitchen, and I almost raised my head enough to peek and see what he was doing, but I didn’t think he’d like that. There was another clatter and a muffled curse from Fin that made me muffle a laugh into the pillow.

  I was able to shove the laughter aside just as he came back and set a bowl down on the coffee table.

  “Lift your foot,” he said, placing one of my dish towels under my feet. How considerate. I had only a moment more of waiting before an ice cube made its way slowly from the top of my spine, all the way down.

  I let out a little sound of surprise at the cold.

  “Shhh, Cherry.” His voice was gentle, but this was only my first warning. A second ice cube was added and he worked his hands up and down my back, almost like a massage. Water started to drip to the floor, but the towel caught it.