Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Titlepage

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Books by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Acknowledgements

  About Chelsea M. Cameron

  Deep Surrenderings, Episode 8

  Copyright © 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron

  www.chelseamcameron.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

  Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

  Edited by GreatImaginations.com

  Interior Design by Novel Ninjutsu.com

  When my professor finally dismissed us, I was the first one out the door, and I headed for the stairs, nearly sprinting down to make sure Fin and Carl and the Town Car were waiting where they said they’d meet me.

  And they were. I slowed down and tried to walk at a decorous pace, but I couldn’t hide my smile.

  “I told you I wasn’t going anywhere,” he said, opening the door for me before Carl can get to it.

  “And you kept your word.”

  He nodded and I gave him a hug.

  “I plan to always keep my word to you,” he said.

  “Ditto.”

  He gave me a kiss and then his mood shifted. Fin held my face in his hands and stared into my eyes.

  “You know I have to go,” he said.

  “I know.”

  “I need to go and figure everything out, and then I’ll come back to you a better man. Not one that will deserve you, but one who will do his best to try and deserve you.” I didn’t argue with him on the “deserving” portion of his statement. I didn’t want to spend our last few minutes together bickering about who was more deserving of the other.

  “How much time do you have?” I asked.

  “Only a few minutes. I need to go right now. My flight is in less than an hour and I still have to go through security.” And get to the airport. He was cutting it close as it was.

  “So, this is it for a while.” I gripped his arms, wishing that I could hold him here. But I couldn’t. He had to do this, and I had to let him.

  “We didn’t do a dramatic goodbye last time, and I don’t want to do one now. So I’ll just say that I’m coming back to you and I’ll miss you when I’m gone, Mari Cherry,” he said, kissing me on both cheeks and then giving me a sweet one on my lips.

  “Miss you more,” I said, holding on to him.

  “Not possible.” His voice broke a little, and he held me so hard I couldn’t breathe. And then he let me go. Obviously, Carl couldn’t take Fin to the airport and drive me home, so Fin handed me some money for a cab and Carl waved one down for me.

  “Just think of me when you’re with your boyfriend, Tom Hanks,” he said, grinning at me with that wicked smile I loved so much.

  “I’ll try,” I said, and then the car pulled away. I waved and he waved back as the car was swallowed up in traffic.

  I wasn’t going to fall into a pit of despair this time when Fin left. Because he would be back. I didn’t know how soon, but he was coming back. For good, and then we could finally be what we wanted to be. Together.

  That didn’t stop the tears from trickling out of my eyes as I got in the cab and told the driver where to take me. But I brushed them away and tried to focus on how good this was—for him, for me.

  No more uncertainty, no more secrets. Doing the right thing was rarely easy, but it would all be worth it in the end.

  My apartment was cold and empty when I got there, even though the thermometer read nearly eighty degrees. My body ached, almost like before you get the flu. Maybe I was getting sick.

  I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. It was an inconvenient situation.

  But then my phone vibrated with a text from Chloe demanding that she see me because she was having withdrawals and missed me.

  If you want to come over, you can. Not feeling well.

  That was true enough.

  Every bit of energy I had evaporated from my limbs and I closed my eyes, just intending to shut the world out for a few moments, but then a loud pounding woke me.

  I stumbled to my feet and went to unlock the door.

  “Oh babe, you look awful,” Chloe said, taking in my appearance. I didn’t have to look in a mirror to know it wasn’t pretty.

  “Thanks,” I said, and my voice was rough, like I was coming down with something.

  “I brought soup and tacos and that organic green juice stuff that’s supposed to cure a gunshot wound with its nutritional properties,” she said, holding up a bag.

  “Thanks,” I said, and went to sit back down on the couch.

  “I haven’t heard from you in a few days, Mari. What’s going on?” She started unpacking the food and setting it out for me, but I wasn’t hungry.

  “A lot.” That was the best answer I could give.

  “Okay, why don’t you give me even less information than that?” She raised her eyebrows. She was right. If I could talk to anyone about this, it was my best friend. And I needed to talk to someone.

  So I took a deep breath and started the story, telling her about how Fin and I had been keeping up our relationship longdistance. She knew some of the details but not all. And when I got to the part where he showed up at my doorstep, she gasped.

  “Sorry, please continue,” she said.

  And then came the part where Fin told me about what happened with Eduardo, but I didn’t tell Chloe that. I didn’t want to break Fin’s trust by sharing something so private. Instead I said that Fin told me something he’d been keeping inside for a long time.

  “His father is so awful, Chlo. Like, he’s the devil. He’s been holding this secret over Fin’s head for most of his life, and he’s got Fin all twisted up and thinking that something that wasn’t his fault is. God, I get sick just thinking about it.” I shivered and Chloe pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped me in it.

  I concluded my story with Fin’s exit.

  “I know he’s going to do the right thing, but I just . . . I’m so afraid something is going to go wrong or he’s going to forget all the reasons he wants to leave the minute he gets within hearing distance of his father.” No doubt Mr. Herald would try and manipulate Fin to get him to stay under his power. Sick, sick man.

  “I thought my parents were bad with the whole lesbian thing, but this guy sounds like a total winner,” Chloe said, grabbing a taco and biting into it. I grabbed the container of soup and stirred it around. I didn’t want to reject her food since it was so sweet she brought it over.

  My phone buzzed, and my heart dropped as I read it.

  On the plane. Will text when I get there. Missing you already.

  No, I wasn’t going to lose it and break down. I had to put on my big girl panties and deal.

  “Was that him?” Chloe asked as I sent him a reply.

  Safe travels. Love you.

  “Yeah.” I realized there was another part of the story I hadn’t told her. “I told him I lo
ved him.”

  Chloe gaped at me with her taco halfway to her mouth, as if she was frozen in shock.

  “You said you loved him? And you were sober and everything?”

  I glared at her.

  “Well, that’s what Rory did. I thought maybe it was catching. Anyway, wow. How do you feel about that?” I could tell from her tone that she wasn’t one hundred percent cool with this new bit of information.

  “I’d felt it for a while. I’m glad it’s out. Once I realized, I could barely hold it in. I don’t know how people do that unrequited love thing.” If you were in love, really in love with someone, how could you hold it in for months, or even years? How did it not claw you apart and destroy you?

  Chloe studied her taco as if it contained the meaning of life.

  “And did he say it back?” I had known she was going to ask that.

  “No, but I’m okay with that.”

  Chloe raised her eyebrows and met my eyes. “Really?”

  I nodded and ate some of the soup. “Really. If I wasn’t okay with it, I’d tell him. I said it because I wanted to say it and needed to say it. I don’t want him to tell me he loves me just because I said it. You should never be obligated like that. And I can’t blame him, since his parents didn’t set a good example on the whole love front.”

  Chloe finished her first taco and reached for another.

  “What about his mom?” Fin hadn’t told me much about her, but I got the impression she went along with whatever his father dictated. I blamed her, but not as much as Mr. Herald. For all I knew, she could be just as much of a victim as Fin but had just hidden it all these years. Or maybe Mr. Herald had something on her, too. He struck me as the kind of man who would want to know more about you than you knew about yourself, and then use it to his advantage.

  People like that were dangerous, and you didn’t want to mess with them. But if something happened to Fin, I’d do a whole lot more than mess with Carleton Herald. A hell of a lot more.

  Not wanting to dominate the conversation, I asked Chlo how she was doing.

  “Meh.”

  Oh. That was not good.

  “Tell me,” I said. She might be the more demanding one in our relationship, but sometimes we traded our roles.

  “I don’t know. I guess . . . I’m just wondering if I missed my shot. You know, to be happy.” She didn’t need to say anything else for me to know she was talking about Harmony. Yet another person I’d like to deliver a knuckle sandwich to. I never liked her, but Chloe was so in love so fast that it wasn’t until the catastrophic ending that I was able to tell Chloe about my reservations at the beginning.

  “You didn’t miss your shot. That wasn’t your shot. Do you remember all the shit she put you through?” I sure did. I had to come in and pick up the pieces, and it made my blood boil just remembering.

  “But doesn’t it feel different with Fin? Like everything else you were doing was just practice for the real thing?” I nodded. God, yes. That was exactly how it felt.

  “That’s how it was with her. I know it wasn’t perfect, but when it was good? It was so good. And I’m not just talking about the sex. Everything was good. She got me. She knew what I was going to say even before I knew I was going to say it. She could anticipate me. I hated it and I loved it at the same time. I just . . . I want to have that, and I don’t think I will. Something like that doesn’t happen every day.” Chloe was often cynical about love, but deep down she was a total romantic.

  She twisted some of her fading red hair in front of her face.

  “You need a color touch-up,” I said, trying to talk about something else.

  “Yeah.” She blew the hair out of her face and gave me a little smile.

  “You still sure you won’t change teams for me?” Chloe asked. I rolled my eyes at her. She’d never overtly propositioned me, just joked about it. She knew I was as straight as she was not straight.

  “They say that the majority of people are somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale. So most people aren’t actually straight,” she said. I knew that because she’d told me before, but that didn’t apply to me. Hell, if I was attracted to Chloe that way, I’d have no qualms about going for it. But I wasn’t, just like how I wasn’t attracted to George Clooney. I couldn’t explain it, but there you have it.

  “You know if I could make it happen, I would,” I said, and she pouted. “And I don’t think what you had with Harmony was it, I really don’t. There’s someone out there for you. I know that sounds cheesy and trite, but I really think that. And if someone can’t appreciate how awesome you are, then they’re not the right one.”

  “Right,” she said. “Now are you going to help me with these tacos, or am I going to end up eating them all myself and then feeling like crap?” I didn’t particularly want to stuff myself with tacos, but there are some sacrifices you have to make in terms of friendship.

  “Do you think he’s the one?” Chloe asked right as I took my first bite. I chewed and tried to think of an answer.

  “I don’t know. I want him to be, and what I have with him feels so different than anything else, but I honestly don’t know. But I want him to be it.”

  Chloe nodded. “That makes sense. I think I’d be worried if you told me he was and started drawing hearts all over your notebook with his name in them.”

  I snorted and had to put my down my taco. “Well, I wouldn’t be doing that because I’m not ten, and Fin isn’t a boy in my class that I’m admiring from afar and have an unrequited crush on.”

  “Hey, there’s a lot to be said for unrequited love. You don’t get hurt and no one rejects you.”

  Yes, I knew the appeal, but it always seemed like standing still. The crush would never develop into something more if the other person didn’t actually know about your feelings.

  “But then you never get to have a relationship. It takes two people working for the same thing.”

  Chloe shrugged. “Anyway. So how are other non-Fin related things going? How’s your mom?”

  I sighed. I’d rather talk about unrequited love.

  “Well, I’m going over on Saturday or Sunday to talk with Dad about the whole thing.”

  And then I told her about Fin driving me to the house to get the check and all that had gone on with that. I’d had an intense week.

  “Aw, I’m so sorry all of this is crashing down on you. Want to do something to take your mind off it?”

  I would love to, but I didn’t think much of anything would divert my mind.

  “It’s okay. I can deal. Just talking about it helps.”

  “And tacos. Don’t forget the tacos. They always help in a crisis.”

  I had no idea what she was talking about, but I went along with it. Tacos weren’t going to bring Fin back to me, or help me with my parents. But for right now, eating tacos with my BFF was helping.

  I couldn’t sleep that night, waiting for a message from Fin that he’d landed safely. He’d sent me his flight number, and I’d been obsessively checking to make sure it was on time and I had the landing time right. Chloe decided to stay with me. She said it was because her apartment was dirty and thinking about cleaning made her depressed, but I knew it was so I wouldn’t be alone.

  Finally, at three in the morning he sent me a text saying he arrived safely, and then my phone rang and I scrambled to hold it to my ear.

  “Hey, Marisol. I wasn’t going to call, but I just had to hear your voice.”

  “Hi, Fin.”

  “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  I shook my head and realized he couldn’t see me. Obviously. I was all scrambled.

  “No, I was up and waiting to hear from you. I’ve been checking your flight like crazy.”

  He chuckled. “I thought so. Well, I’m here and just waiting for my baggage. How are you?”

  “I’m okay. Chloe came over and stayed with me and brought me dinner.” I heard her rolling over on the couch and muttering something in her sleep.

 
“That was nice of her. I’m glad you’re not alone. If I can’t be there, I’m happy someone else is.” His voice did all kinds of things to me. My heart fluttered just like it did the first time I saw him. I really needed to thank Rory for introducing us.

  “Are you scared?” I was scared for him. Terrified. Enough to consider getting on a plane and being there for him. But he wouldn’t want that.

  “If I said yes would you think less of me?”

  “Of course not. Nothing would ever make me think less of you. What you’re doing is a show of strength, not cowardice. You’re taking back power over your own life. I’m so proud of you.” I should have said that more.

  “That means the world to hear that, Marisol. Oh, my bags are here. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how things are going.” I let him know when I’d be in class so he could plan his calls.

  “I love you and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Goodnight, my Marisol.”

  I set the phone down and tried to go to sleep, but my efforts were futile. My body might be in my apartment in Boston, but my mind was thousands of miles away with Fin.

  “Did you sleep at all?” Chloe asked the next morning when I emerged from my bedroom.

  “Not really. Fin called in the middle of the night to tell me he landed, and I was just . . . freaking out about everything. I tried to sleep, but I’m so worried about him.” Chloe handed me a cup of coffee and I went to grab the French vanilla creamer out of the fridge.

  “Is he like, involved in organized crime? Is that why he can’t be with you?” I rolled my eyes at her. But then when I thought about it, the situation was somewhat similar. When you were part of a crime family, you weren’t allowed to leave and you were beholden to them. It wasn’t that different from how Fin lived now, except what he did was legal. I wouldn’t put it past his father to have some shady business dealings, however. When you treated your own son the way Mr. Herald did Fin, there wasn’t much else you had qualms about.

  “No. It’s just really complicated.” I hated not telling her, but it was Fin’s secret. I’d only tell her if he said it was okay, and I didn’t think he was ready for anyone else to know just yet.