Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight Read online

  “I wonder if Rory knows,” she mused as she sipped her cup of black coffee.

  “I don’t think so.” I’d never asked her, but I had the feeling she and her parents only knew the sanitized version of Fin’s story.

  “I don’t want to go to work,” Chloe said, resting her chin in her hand.

  “Why don’t you get a better job?” We’d done this routine so many times I didn’t need a script.

  “Because the economy sucks. Yes, my job sucks, but at least it’s a job. I have a steady paycheck and benefits and all that jazz. I just wish I didn’t have to actually work with other people.” Therein lie the problem.

  “Well, maybe start looking? You could always work for Sloane. I know she’s always hiring.”

  Chloe gave me a terrified look and shook her head. “Yeah, no way. I love her, but she can be scary when it comes to her clothes. I don’t think I’d last long. Do you know how many interns she’s made cry?”

  The number was high, I knew that. Sloane demanded perfection from her staff, and that was hard to get when you hired college students who barely knew how to sew.

  “Plus, I hate sewing, so that’s out.” True. As I said, we’d done this dance before.

  “Well, maybe you’ll come up with something. I’ll look around for you.” Not that I knew anybody who was hiring, other than the “help wanted” signs at local coffee shops and grocery stores. Chloe definitely didn’t want those jobs.

  “I just wish I knew what I wanted to do, you know? That would make everything easier,” she said, draining her coffee cup. “Sometimes I think my adult card is going to get revoked.”

  “Hey, there are billions of people who have no idea what they want to do. You’re in good company. Maybe you could take a class or something.” I’d suggested this before with little success.

  “I guess.” She shrugged one shoulder. “Do you mind if I shower here? Then I don’t even have to go home.” When she came over she’d been wearing her work polo shirt and khakis, so she could just wear them again.

  “Sure, go ahead.” I could go after her since I didn’t have class for another hour and a half.

  While Chlo was in the shower and singing at the top of her lungs, I straightened up the apartment. I was really bad at cleaning. Maybe they’d revoke my adult card for that.

  My phone rang and I rushed to pick it up, but it was Dad and not Fin.

  “Hello, Marisol,” he said, sounding exhausted.

  “Hi, Dad,” I said. “How’s everything going?”

  “Fine, fine. I just wanted to call and set up a time for you to come over. Sunday looks like a better day. How is one o’clock?” His voice was formal and detached. I wasn’t used to hearing him like that.

  “That sounds good. How’s Mom?”

  That earned me a sigh. “She’s well. I don’t really have time to talk, so can we speak this weekend?” He’d never brushed me off like this. I expected that behavior from my mother.

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you on Sunday at one.”

  He hung up without saying goodbye.

  Chloe came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her hair and another around her body.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. My dad is being weird, but hey, he married my mom. What else is new?” I gave her a smile, and she started rubbing the towel through her hair to dry it out.

  “Your turn,” she said, and I headed for the shower.

  Despite my lack of sleep and all the distractions bouncing around in my brain, I had a great morning class. We had a group discussion on the ethics of banning books that got pretty heated. It was nice to lose myself in something academic for a while. I’d been distracted from my studies lately, and I knew I had to get back on track. My grades were fine, but I liked to keep them perfect, and vowed to clock more library time now that Fin was gone again.

  I chewed on a hangnail as I waited for him to call me during my lunch break, but the call didn’t come.

  I stayed as long as I could, but then I had to get to my next class. God, I hoped nothing had happened to him. I’d been so afraid of him going back, and now those fears were being realized.

  Just as I was about to walk into my next class, my phone buzzed with a text.

  sorry can’t talk will call tonight

  He’d clearly typed whatever it was in a hurry since he hadn’t used punctuation or capitalization.

  Something had to be wrong. Or maybe I was just reading way too much into things. I had to start thinking positive. Being pessimistic never got anyone anywhere.

  No. I wasn’t going to let myself spin out of control and automatically think the worst. He was probably busy. And he’d call me later. I could wait a few hours for a freaking phone call.

  I calmed my racing heart and took a few deep breaths as I walked to my next class. It was a relief to have something else to think about. I just kept repeating that he’d call me later and everything would be fine. Everything would be fine.

  Instead of going back to my apartment and staring at my phone, I decided to take a walk to the park. I stopped at the bodega and bought a loaf of bread for the ducks. Of course, now I associated this activity with Fin, so it didn’t help in the distraction department, but at least it was something to do other than sitting around.

  I found a bench near the pond and brushed it off before I sat down with my bread. The ducks were nowhere to be found, but I sought solace in the undulating water. It calmed me and soothed my rattled nerves.

  I tried to think in terms of being there with Fin versus being here. Even if I was there, I’d probably be a nervous wreck sitting in a hotel room waiting for him. So really, this was the better way to do things.

  My phone was silent next to me, but I kept leaning over to check it.

  Finally, the ducks made their appearance, and I tossed my bread to them. A little girl rushed over and snatched some of the bread, throwing an entire slice. Her mother hurried after her and apologized. I told her it was no problem and gave the rest of the loaf to the little girl. She needed it more than I did. I moved over so the mom could sit on the bench as her daughter, who was probably about four, screamed at the “duckies” and chucked bread as hard as her little arms could throw.

  I chatted with the woman until the little girl got tired and said she was hungry.

  “Thanks so much,” the mother said as she led the girl away.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I sat on the bench and watched the sun dip toward the horizon, a sense of peace washing over me. I had no idea where it came from, but it was one of those moments where everything in the world seemed bright and safe and you knew things would turn out okay. I had no idea what to make of it.

  I didn’t believe so much in mystical things, but I didn’t have an explanation for this.

  Then my phone rang.

  I scrambled to get it, succeeding in dropping it on the ground, but fortunately it had a shatter-proof case on it.

  “Hello, Fin?” I said, putting it to my ear without even wasting a second to see who was calling.

  “Hello.” The moment of peace I’d been wrapped in shattered like glass, and all the bad things I’d been thinking about rushed back into my head.

  “How are you? Is everything okay?” I held the phone tightly against my ear so I could hear him.

  “Sorry about earlier. I just had a lot of things to deal with.” His voice was flat, and that immediately scared me.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Mm-hmm,” he said, and it clicked that he might not be making this phone call with much privacy.

  “Is your dad there?”

  “Correct,” he said. Damn, he was speaking in code. Why hadn’t he waited until he was alone to call me? But maybe his dad wasn’t letting him be alone again, worried he’d skip the country like last time. I wouldn’t put anything past Mr. Herald.

  “Can you get away so we can really talk?”

  “I d
on’t think that’s going to be possible at this time, but I’ll check my schedule and get back to you. I need to run now, but I’ll keep you informed of any developments.”

  I hated the way he was talking to me. Hated it.

  “I love you. Call me or text me or email me or video chat me whenever you can.”

  “I will do that. Goodbye.”

  The call ended, and I let out a shaky breath. This wasn’t good. Not at all. A text message from him comes in.

  I’m so sorry about that. I can video you later. He’s not very happy with me and is keeping me on a tight leash.

  Just as I suspected.

  Call me when you can. And if it’s not safe, get out of there.

  His response was immediate. Guess it was safe to text message.

  I know what I’m doing. Don’t worry. Talk to you later.

  Oh, sure. I won’t worry. That was much easier said than done.

  I was completely distracted as I hailed a cab. Instead of giving my address, I gave Fin’s. I needed to be in his place with his things right now.

  As I got out of the cab and hoisted my bag over my shoulder, I knocked into someone and it flew to the ground, spilling everywhere.

  “I’m so sorry!” I said, looking at the person I’d bumped into.

  She was about my age, with bleached blonde hair that was blue at the tips. Dark blue. Reminded me of the girl Fin had told me about. The one his father had “given” him on his sixteenth birthday. Sapphire. But there were a lot of girls with blue hair.

  “Oh!” she said, as if she recognized me. I kept putting my stuff back in my bag, wanting to get away as fast as possible. But a hand on my arm stopped me.

  “Are you Marisol?” My mouth opened and I couldn’t think of any words.

  She shook her head and let go. “I’m sorry. My mistake.” She turned to go, but this time I stopped her.

  “Wait!”

  She turned slowly, and I looked at her more carefully. She was dressed like an average twenty-something. Ripped jeans, t-shirt, and just a hint of eye makeup. She sure as hell didn’t look like . . . what she was. Or what I was just assuming she was right now. But what were the chances?

  “Are you . . . Sapphire?” The name wasn’t her own, I knew that, but it was the only one I knew to call her.

  She bit her lip in a gesture so innocent I couldn’t reconcile it with what I knew about her from Fin.

  She seemed to consider me, consider if she should say anything. I was sure they had some sort of anonymity clause at those clubs, but what the hell did I know? Nothing, really. I’d thought about doing research online, but hadn’t. I guess I wanted to just forget that part of what Fin had told me. Accept it and move on. I knew he was staying true to me, so what did his past matter anymore?

  But here was part of his past, standing right in front of me.

  “I shouldn’t be talking to you. He wouldn’t like it,” she finally said, and her voice rang with just a hint of authority that made her sound more like her age. If Fin hadn’t told me how old she was, I would have guessed seventeen or eighteen, maybe even sixteen.

  “No, he wouldn’t. What are you doing here?” We both stood on the sidewalk at an impasse. I wanted to talk to her and I didn’t. I wanted her to go away and forget I’d ever seen her, and I didn’t.

  “That’s complicated. I can’t explain it now. But I’ll talk to you. If you want. If you don’t, you’ll never see me again.”

  My mouth was so dry I had to swallow a few times before I was able to speak.

  “I don’t know what I want.”

  She shrugged one shoulder. “Fair enough. But,” she said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a card, “if you ever decide you want to talk, call me and we can meet. Just ask for a delivery when they ask you what you want, and then ask for Mistress Sapphire.”

  Oh my God. I stared down at the card. It was black, edged with red, and just had a phone number on it without any other identifying information. Well, sure, I bet that sort of business couldn’t advertise in the yellow pages.

  My life had just taken a strange and unexpected turn. But I’d learned when it came to Fin to expect the unexpected.

  When I looked up from the card, she was gone. I searched the crowd for her, but she’d vanished like a cloud on a windy day.

  Slowly I walked toward the entrance to Fin’s building, clutching the card in my hand.

  What the hell had just happened? Had it just been a coincidence that she’d been in front of his building? Something told me no. Of all the places in the entire city, the probability that she would show up in front of this one was miniscule. So, she was here for a reason.

  Fin told me he never invited girls up to his place. At least not the ones he was sleeping with, and he’d only slept with professionals before me, except for two girls when he was a teenager.

  So what was she doing here? Fin wasn’t here, he was back in Germany. My mind tumbled over the possibilities. The explanation could be very simple, or it could lead to a whole box of new Fin secrets I hadn’t yet unearthed.

  More secrets. I didn’t mind a little mystery with my romance, but I’d thought we’d gotten past the worst of it.

  I rubbed my eyes and felt a headache coming on as the elevator took me to Fin’s floor.

  I still had the card in my hand. I thought about tearing it up into tiny pieces and forgetting about it, but then if I did decide I wanted to talk to her, I’d never have the chance.

  So I slid the card into an inside pocket of my purse where I kept my tampons. It wasn’t likely anyone would find it in there if they went looking.

  I unlocked the door, and for the first time, a sense of shame washed over me as I walked into Fin’s place. I should tell him about my encounter with Sapphire. I should message him right now and tell him.

  I couldn’t keep a secret when I’d been angry with him for doing just that.

  I couldn’t.

  My internal struggle was a silent one. The only sound in the apartment was the hum of the cooling system, and the appliances. Fin didn’t even have a ticking clock on the wall.

  I didn’t know what to do.

  On one hand, I should tell Fin. On the other, if I didn’t, I might be able to get some information out of Sapphire that I wouldn’t be able to get out of Fin. The second plan was awful and made me feel sick.

  I had to tell him.

  Now to just wait for him to call.

  I was laying in Fin’s bed doing some reading for class when he finally called. I’d made myself an espresso shot earlier, so I was awake and alert.

  The call came in on my phone, sans video. I wish he’d been able to do video, but I understood he probably wasn’t in a place where he could.

  “Hello, Marisol.” His voice sounded so much better than it had earlier that relief washed over me.

  “Hi, Fin. Can we talk?”

  “Yes, we can. Away from prying ears. We’re safe.”

  “What happened earlier? How is everything going? Has your father done anything?” I knew that was a lot of questions to unload on him at once, but I was desperate to know he was okay and not chained in a basement somewhere, or sitting with two guards a foot away at all times.

  “Whoa, slow down. I’m fine. Things are . . . well, I’m not going to lie and say that they are fantastic, but they’re not as bad as I thought they would be. He’s barely said a word about it, actually.” Well, if that wasn’t a gigantic red flag, I didn’t know what was.

  “Doesn’t that worry you?”

  “Obviously. I haven’t lived my entire life with this man to start being ignorant now. I just have to figure out what his game plan is. I’m sure I won’t like it when I find out what it is, but until I know his plan, I’m stuck here. Until I know I can get away from him for good, show him that I will break free no matter the consequences, I belong to him.”

  “No. You belong to yourself.” I wanted him to belong to me, but I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that yet.

&
nbsp; “Someday I will. I hope.”

  “This is such a mess you’re in, Fin Herald,” I said, trying to make light of a trés crappy situation.

  “You’re telling me. I didn’t know how bad it was until I met you and had a reason to get out. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome.” I shuddered and wished we could talk about other things.

  “So, what are you up to while I’m gone? No good, I assume.” The flirty tone was back in his voice.

  “Well, I’ve had a very exciting night of textbook reading. I’m in your bed, by the way.” I stroked the sheets that were still drenched in his scent. It would fade, probably tomorrow, but I was going to wrap myself in it for as long as possible.

  “And have you heard anything from your parents?”

  “I’m going over on Sunday, but other than that, nothing. Dad was really weird to me on the phone when he called, though. He acted . . . well, he was acting like Mom, all cold and distant. I hated it.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t be there with you while you’re going through this. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

  “It’s okay, Fin. You don’t have to apologize. I understand.” I didn’t blame him for the situation he was in.

  “It’s okay if you blame me. I would blame me.” This was one of those times when I wished he was here so I could put my arms around his neck . . . and strangle him.

  “Listen to me, Fin Herald. I don’t blame you for being the victim of abuse at the hands of your father for your entire life. Being a victim doesn’t make you weak, and it isn’t your fault. And you’re doing everything you can to free yourself. Have I told you how proud I am of you? Because I am.”

  I got myself a little choked up and had to wipe away a few tears.

  “Thank you, Marisol.” His voice sounded a little emotional as well.

  “No thanks needed. Just be safe and come home to me.” I’d started thinking of Fin’s place as my second home. The place I went when I needed to escape from the regular world.

  I thought about seeing Sapphire today and the card with the phone number on it. I opened my mouth to tell him, but then I heard a sound on his end.