Deep Surrendering: Episode Eleven Read online

  “Sure,” I said. “I’d like to have a dog.” Whenever I’d imagined my future, I’d always seen a dog. A big, fluffy, yellow dog.

  “And where would we live?” I asked. That was the ultimate question. I hoped we’d be in Boston, but in the city? Outside of it? And what if I got a job offer after I graduated that wasn’t here? Melding two lives together was not easy. Not even a little bit.

  Fin sighed and leaned back in his chair.

  “That’s the tricky part. I can picture you and me and the dog and everything else, but making it happen?” Exactly.

  “We don’t have to talk about this right now,” I said. “We have tons of time. And I’m still in school. We don’t have to decide anything right now.”

  He nodded, and I could tell he was relieved.

  “You’re right. Absolutely right. I’m getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not freaking you out.” I shook my head.

  “No, not at all. I want all those things too.” Eventually. Someday. Right now I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he was sitting across from me.

  He grinned.

  “Ready for dessert?” I moaned.

  “No way. I ate way too much. Maybe in a little while.” I put both hands on my stomach and winced. My mother would be horrified. She’d tried to teach me to eat like a bird in the presence of a man, but it never stuck. I loved food too much.

  “That’s fine. Come here,” he said, getting up and holding out both hands. I stood up and tried not to move too fast. It was definitely going to be a while until I could eat again.

  Fin led me to the back of the trailer where there was a little bedroom which was mostly filled with a huge bed, and next to the tiniest bathroom I’d ever seen. The bed was made up and there were candles in here as well.

  “You really went all-out, Mr. Herald,” I said as I slowly lay back. He lay next to me and grabbed a remote to turn on the flat screen that hung on the wall. He clicked a few buttons and “Sleepless in Seattle” started playing.

  “Tom Hanks?” I said.

  “Tom Hanks.” I moved over and turned so I was lying on his chest, but I could still see the screen. He brushed his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead.

  “When I was away from you, I thought about all the things I missed and this was near the top,” he said and I sighed in contentment.

  “I’m guessing sex was at the top?” I said, turning my head to look at him.

  “No, actually. That was number two.” I rolled my eyes.

  “What was number one?” I asked.

  “Being able to touch you. Hold you. Smell you. Hear your voice and see your lips move as they form words. I missed everything about you.” I’m sure he didn’t mean absolutely everything. I mean, I’m not perfect and neither is he. I’m not naïve enough to think that there won’t be things about Fin that annoy me. Things like leaving his used floss on the sink, or tapping pens against his teeth, or not separating colors and whites in the washer.

  Silly, stupid, petty things. But I wanted to get to the silly, stupid, petty things. Because then I’d know that this was real and it was going to last.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked, tracing my cheek and moving down to my chin.

  “I’m thinking that you can’t have missed everything about me. I know there must be things I do that bug you.” He chuckled and then tapped my nose.

  “I’m not touching that with a ten-foot-pole, Mari Cherry.”

  “Smart man,” I said and snuggled into his chest again.

  “I have my moments.”

  Of course I fell asleep not even halfway to the movie. I didn’t wake up until Fin shifted under me. My eyes opened and it took a minute to figure out where the hell I was. Then I looked up and saw Fin.

  “Sorry. I was trying to be stealthy and escape to the bathroom without you noticing I was gone. Guess that didn’t work so well,” he said as I rubbed my eyes and tried to pat and see how bad my hair was. Yikes. I couldn’t see it, but it felt like it was all over the place. I sat up and stretched my neck. I winced as it popped and cracked.

  “What time is it?” I asked as he stood up and stretched as well.

  “Nearly nine.” God, it wasn’t even that late, but I was exhausted. He went to the bathroom and then came and crawled back into bed with me.

  “I’m guessing you’re not allowed to park this thing here for the whole night, though,” I said. How had he gotten it here in the first place without anyone saying anything?

  “Probably not,” he said. “But Carl can just hook it up to the Town Car and haul it away.” Now that was something I really wanted to see.

  I was warm and still a little groggy from the nap, but having Fin this close was making me think about things we could do in this bed right now. From the way he was looking at me, he was probably thinking those same things.

  He sat up abruptly.

  “We should really go. I need to get you home.” I tried not to feel disappointed, because I knew he was right. But we had the ball and I was going to get to spend the whole night with him, dancing and talking and being with my favorite people. Couldn’t get any better than that.

  “Okay,” I said, and sat up. I ran my hands through my hair a few times, but I’d really need a mirror to fix what I had going on. Oh well. Fin was looking at me and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was on his mind.

  “You’re doing it again,” I said and he blinked at me.

  “Doing what?”

  “Looking at me like you want me. Like you want to rip off my clothes and have your way with me, even though we both said we wouldn’t do that because we were starting over.” But feelings like that couldn’t be suppressed. Both of us knew what we were missing. What we could have if we just let ourselves go. I wanted to. So much. The walls (which were already very close) seemed to be coming even closer, and the air was hot and thick. A deep throbbing had started in my body and there was really only one way to satisfy it.

  “I do want you. I always want you. Even when we’re old and senile and have false hips and can’t remember who we are. I’ll still want you.” Aw. So sweet. But not helpful with the current situation.

  I stood up and backed out of the bedroom.

  “I think we should both get out of here. It’s too…” I couldn’t think of the right word.

  “Close,” he said, getting up and following me. Okay, that wasn’t helping with my ability to say no to him. I kept backing up and Fin kept looking at me like he wanted to devour me. As a last resort, I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

  “Hey, buddy, you gotta stop doing that.” He blinked and seemed to shake himself. He stopped advancing and gripped onto the edge of the tiny dining table we’d been sitting at just a few hours before.

  He heaved a sigh.

  “You’re right. Of course you’re right.”

  “Hey, you’re the one who wanted to take things slow. I just agreed with you.” Fin banged his fist on the table. “Well don’t take it out on the trailer. It didn’t do anything wrong.” I was trying to keep things light.

  Fin shook his head again.

  “You’re right, you’re right, you’re right.” I tried not to smile. I liked hearing him say that. “I should get you home. I really do want to set some boundaries and not make any more mistakes.”

  I reached out and touched his arm so he would look up at me.

  “You’re going to make mistakes. I’m going to make mistakes. We’re going to make them together. That’s what being a couple is. Screwing things up and then learning from those screw-ups. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. But together, we can be something special.” He reached up and touched the side of my face.

  “How is it that you always know the right thing to say?”

  “I don’t know about that. I think you’re much better at it.” He definitely was.

  He dropped his hand from my face and started to say something else, but he changed his mind and closed h
is mouth.

  “Home. I should get you home.” I nodded and exited the trailer. The park was even darker and more deserted than it had been earlier when we’d first gotten here.

  “We never had our gelato!” Fin said, smacking himself on the forehead. He started to go back into the trailer, but I reached out and stopped him.

  “It’s okay. I’m still full from the tacos anyway. We can do it next time.”

  He looked like he wanted to fight me, but then he gave in, taking out his phone and sending a message, probably to Carl to come pick us up.

  “So, tomorrow,” he said and it took me a second to figure out what he was getting at.

  The ball.

  The ball was tomorrow. I couldn’t stop the smile that spread on my face and Fin smiled too.

  “What time would you like me to pick you up?” he said. I had to think about that. I hadn’t planned to get my hair and makeup done because I didn’t think I’d be going with anyone. But now… I wanted to look spectacular. If I called Chloe, I knew she could get me in for hair and makeup at the spa at the last minute. Oh, I was definitely doing that.

  “I’ll text you and let you know. I’m going to need some beautifying time.” He gave me a look as if I’d lost my mind and I laughed.

  “Look, I don’t just roll out of bed ready for a ball and you damn well know that.” I poked him in the chest and he just shook his head at me.

  “You know you don’t need any beautifying time. You could show up in a tank top and shorts and be the most beautiful woman in the room. You’re always the most beautiful woman in the room. No matter what.” Now that made me laugh even harder.

  “You may be a little biased, you know.” He was more than a little biased. He was Team Marisol all the way.

  “I don’t care what anyone says. You are the most beautiful woman.” He reached out and pulled me into his arms and breathed deeply. “And now that I have you, I’m not letting you go.”

  Fin gave me a very sweet goodbye kiss in front of my building, but it wasn’t enough for me. So I took matters into my own hands and grabbed the back of his neck to pull him down for another. He tried resisting, but when I opened my mouth, he had no choice but to use his tongue. I practically held a gun to his head.

  Oh God. I’d forgotten what it was like to make out with Fin. Breathing him in and being completely surrounded by him. Being so consumed that I never wanted the kiss to end.

  Somehow, he was able to pull away, but only to rest his forehead against mine.

  “You. Are. Trouble.” I laughed.

  “I’m pretty sure that’s like the pot calling the kettle black, Fin Herald.” He kissed the tip of my nose and let me go, backing up toward the car where Carl had the door open. One of these days I was going to ask him what he did with all that time he was sitting around and waiting to drive Fin around. I hoped he didn’t get bored.

  Fin was looking at me again like he wanted to come upstairs and get me naked. I just smiled and shook my head.

  “You’re being bad again,” I said.

  “Sorry I’m not sorry,” he said with a mischievous grin. I wanted to smack him, but decided not to.

  “You’re pushing your luck, mister.” I backed toward my door. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to rush forward and throw myself on him and tell him to take me upstairs and spend the time we before the ball making up for all the lost time in the bedroom. In my mind, I could picture how it would go down. And I probably wouldn’t regret it. At least tonight.

  “Goodnight, Marisol,” Fin said, stepping toward the car, as if he could read my thoughts.

  “Goodnight, Fin,” I said as I turned away from him and went inside.

  I texted Chloe as soon as I got upstairs, even though it was late, asking her if I could get in at the spa in the morning. She messaged me back that she could absolutely squeeze me in, but I’d owe her one. Yeah, yeah. I could deal with that, so I agreed.

  That night I couldn’t sleep. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve. I had seen Fin in a tux before and it was quite a sight to behold. I couldn’t wait to put my dress on and take his arm as we walked down the sweeping staircase. Fin and I might not be perfect, but that moment would be. I knew it. I even practiced waltzing a little in my bedroom, just to make sure I still had it.

  Sloane was so protective of the dress that she hadn’t let me take it home with me, so I’d have to go to the studio to get dressed, which was fine since everyone else would be there at the same time.

  Around five in the morning, I finally shut my eyes and got some rest, but I was up a few hours later and pacing my apartment again, eager to get to my appointment, even though it was hours away. I was just about to hop in the shower when someone knocked on the door. Puzzled, I went to the peephole.

  Fin. I couldn’t get the door unlocked fast enough.

  “What are you doing here?” He grinned and held up a brown bag.

  “Breakfast. I know it’s a little late, but I thought I’d give it a shot anyway. Oh, and I brought the gelato from last night.” I stepped back and let him in. A little part of me wished he had let me get cute, but oh well. He’d seen me like this plenty of times and it hadn’t changed his opinion.

  “Well, that was a good idea, so now you can get the before picture,” I said, gesturing to my attire and lack of makeup. My hair was just thrown into a bun on the top of my head.

  “You could go like that and hold your own just fine,” he said, going to the kitchen and pulling things out of the bag. Ahhhh, he had coffee.

  “French vanilla creamer?” he asked, pointing to the fridge. I opened it for him and got the bottle out.

  “French vanilla creamer,” I said, setting it down on the counter. He was dressed casually this morning and something about him seemed… loose. Relaxed. Open. I’d seen flashes of him being like this before, but it seemed more real this time. The changes were subtle. Someone who didn’t know him well wouldn’t notice. But I did.

  “What did you bring me?” I asked as he started unpacking everything.

  “Egg and cheese croissants, hash browns and a cherry Danish each for dessert.”

  “Dessert? Can you really have dessert with breakfast?”

  “I’d like to see the person who would try and stop me,” he said and I laughed.

  “You seem good. Gooder than good.” He was so good I was making up words.

  “I feel good.”

  “Free?” I asked.

  “Free,” he agreed and we took everything to the couch to eat. Plus, if I sat next to him on the couch there were definite cuddling possibilities.

  “I can’t wait to see you in your dress again,” he said, tugging at a loose strand of hair.

  “Yes, well, I hope I won’t have a towel on my head this time. You didn’t get to have the full effect with makeup and the right shoes and everything. But I plan to remedy that.”

  “You have shoes for it?” I nodded.

  “Can I see them?” He was being a little weird, but I got up and fetched the shoes I had to wear with the dress. They weren’t black or white, but silver heels that glittered. They were so pretty and shiny I couldn’t resist them and I was finally going to get to wear them.

  Fin took the shoes from me.

  “You will wear these and nothing else the next time I fuck you,” he said, as if he was commenting on a passing cloud. He looked up at me and there it was again. That spark that snapped and sizzled between us that was impossible to deny. Yes, we both had brains and free will, but lust could sometimes overwhelm both of those.

  “Oh, really?” I said, trying to be casual, but sounding a little breathless.

  “Yes,” he said. “Or perhaps you would prefer me to tell you to wear them the next time we make love.” I made a face.

  “That sounds weird when you say it. And making love is a strange thing to say anyway. You’re not making anything. I mean, I guess you are, technically, but that’s not very romantic at all, is it?” Gross. I’d completely derailed the conve
rsation into talking about Fin making…

  “We can call it whatever you want, Marisol. As long as I get to do it with you and no one else, I’m happy.” I set the shoes down on the floor and sat back down on the couch, but made sure there was a little bit of distance between us.

  “They really need to come up with a better term for it. I’m not offended by calling it fucking at all. Still, I feel like with us… it’s something… more. You could go down to the street right now and pick a random woman to fuck. But what we have isn’t that.” He couldn’t take his eyes off my face and I couldn’t stop looking at him. Every now and then I would be surprised by how unbelievably attractive Fin was. Not that I forgot, but it would sneak up on me and then I’d be completely mesmerized by him. Again.

  “No, it wouldn’t be the same. I will never fuck, make love with, screw, bang, fornicate, have relations with, know intimately, or shag any other woman besides you.” I couldn’t help the snort that escaped my mouth.

  “Shag? What are you British and from an Austin Powers movie?” He smiled as well.

  “I was trying to come up with all the euphemisms for sex I could. Do you have anything better?”

  I thought about it for a minute.

  “Knock boots, um, go to pound town, bone, boink, make whoopee, butter the biscuit…” That was all I could think of, but apparently it was quite a few. Why did I know so many euphemisms for sex? I was going to blame my friends. They said that men had dirty minds, but all of the dirtiest stories and words I’d ever heard had come from those of the feminine persuasion. Women were just more secretive about having their minds in the gutter.

  Fin started giving me a slow clap.

  “Hey, if you gave me more time I could come up with more.”

  “No, no, that was very impressive. You never cease to surprise me, Marisol Everly.”

  I gave him a pretend glare.

  “I’m a woman of many talents and don’t you forget it.”

  He reached out and pulled my chin close to his face, but didn’t kiss me.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”