Dark Surrendering Read online

  I shook my head. “No, you bought the tea and cronuts. It’s my turn to pay for something.”

  He sighed heavily.

  “If this was a date, which it isn’t, you could pay. But it’s not a date. So you lose, fire crotch,” I said.

  He choked on his seltzer water and sprayed it over the bar. That earned him nasty looks from those around us, but the bartender just handed us a stack of napkins with a smile.

  “You two are cute together,” she said.

  “Who, us?” I asked.

  “Yes, you. How long have you been together?”

  I looked at Ryder, wondering how we should handle this. He just put his arm around me and turned toward the bartender.

  “Three months,” he said. “It’s our anniversary.” The fuck? I gave him a stunned look and he just winked at me.

  “Isn’t that right, baby?” Ugh. I hated it when guys called their girlfriends baby. It was so degrading. Or at least I’d thought it was degrading. But that was before Ryder called me baby and it made me feel all giggly.

  He squeezed my shoulder, as if asking me to play along. Oh, what the hell.

  “That’s right, sweetie. Three glorious months.” I smiled at the bartender, and she leaned in so she wouldn’t be overheard.

  “How about I bring you something special? On the house.”

  “Um, sure,” I said. “That’s so nice of you.”

  “Really, thank you,” Ryder added.

  She waved off the thanks. “It’s nothing. I’m just a fan of people in love. I think it should be celebrated, especially with cupcakes. I’ll be right back.”

  She vanished and came back a few moments later with a cupcake that was so large, it was the size of three normal cupcakes. There was something stuck in it that she lighted which turned out to be a small sparkler.

  “Congratulations,” she said, and then headed off to take more orders. The people around us all stared.

  “They probably think it’s one of our birthdays,” I said to Ryder.

  “Probably. We should blow that out before it sets something on fire.” He had a good point. He picked up the sparkler and doused it in the rest of his seltzer water.

  “That’s one way to do it,” I said, and picked up my fork. The cupcake was vanilla with a creamy white marshmallow frosting, and it was filled with what was almost like raw cake batter with sprinkles.

  “How is it?” Ryder asked, watching me as I chewed and swallowed with relish.

  “Have a bite and see,” I said, pointing to his fork.

  He did and banged his fist on the table. “Damn, that is good.”

  We slowly ate the rest of the giant cupcake. Good thing I didn’t eat dinner or else I might not have managed it. I finished my third bellini and leaned over on the bar. It was probably dirty, but I didn’t care.

  “You happy we came here?” he asked, pushing aside the now-empty plate.

  “Happy. Full of cake. Same thing.”

  “Agreed.”

  It took us a long time to get out of the bar/bakery. Mostly because I refused to move.

  “Come on, lean on me,” Ryder said, putting his arm around my waist and hauling me out the door. It was freezing when we got outside.

  “Can we please take a cab?” The nearest T station was too far to walk in conditions like this.

  “Sure.” He held his arm up, and fortunately there was one passing at that exact moment.

  Ryder got me in first and slid in after me as he told the driver my address.

  “What about you?” I asked.

  “I want to make sure you get home first.” Aww. How sweet. Like we were on a date. Which we were not.

  I leaned against him and then realized I shouldn’t be doing that, and leaned the other way, up against the door of the cab.

  “Do I smell?” Yes, he did. Really, really good.

  “No, I just figured I shouldn’t be snuggling up with you. You know, since this isn’t a date.” I didn’t mean to sound bitter, but that was how it came out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump on you. I’m fine with the whole no-date thing. This was a really nice night.”

  “It was,” he said, and looked off through the window at the traffic outside. “And I’m glad you agreed to come with me. I don’t have a whole lot of people to hang out with right now.”

  I knew part of the whole recovery process was letting go of your former life, and that included former friends. Not that Ryder’s friends had been anyone special. They’d fucking bailed on him when he was in the hospital. Just dumped his stuff and hadn’t even stayed to see how he was doing. Assholes.

  “Well, you can call me a friend, if you want. And you have your brother and Rory. And Tate and April. And Gil now. He seemed pretty cool.”

  He leaned his head back and looked up at the roof of the cab. “I guess. It’s just hard to change your life overnight like that. It takes a lot of work. You can’t just flip a switch.” Was he second-guessing his sobriety?

  “Yeah, I can imagine that it’s tough. You’re not thinking about backtracking though, right?”

  He shook his head slowly and looked back at me. “No. Because then I’d have to redo all of this, and I’d rather fucking die than start over and go through the shit I’ve been through. Again. Sorry, I don’t mean to keep bringing it up. It’s just always on my mind. Sometimes it’s all I can think about.” He cracked his knuckles and the cabbie turned up the sports radio station he was listening to.

  “I don’t know much about that, but I would guess that maybe it just takes time.” I hated not knowing what to say.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to try and make me feel better. It’s actually kind of nice to talk to someone who doesn’t sound like a motivational poster. I feel more . . . normal with you. You make me forget about everything else.” His words coupled with him looking at me made me blush, and I was grateful for the darkness.

  “I’m not sure what to say to that, so thank you. I guess.”

  “It’s a compliment, I promise,” he said, and the car pulled up in front of my apartment. I got out, and so did Ryder.

  “Aren’t you going back to your place?”

  “I am, but I think I’m going to walk. See the city for a little while.” It was nearly midnight, and I wasn’t sure how safe walking around alone was, but I had the feeling Ryder could take care of himself.

  “Are you sure?” I leaned in to pay the cabbie and gave him a generous tip that he didn’t even thank me for. Jerk. The car pulled away, and I was left on the freezing sidewalk with Ryder. I wanted this moment to last, but it was so damn cold.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come inside for a minute to get warm? I could send you on your way with some coffee or something.” I didn’t want this night to end. This might be the only one we ever got like this.

  “No, no. Go inside, it’s cold. I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow, okay?” I nodded, and he took a few steps backward.

  “See you later, Sloane,” he said with a smile. He told me once he didn’t believe in saying goodbyes. That they were too much like endings. He always came up with something else to say that was better.

  “See you later, Ryder.” I watched him walk away, shoulders hunched against the cold and his hands in his pockets.

  “So there was no sex? No kissing? He didn’t even cop a feel?” Rory asked the next afternoon. We were having brunch and some much-needed girl time. I suspected Lucah was off checking on Ryder since he had been vague about his own plans.

  “Nope. He just took me to an art gallery and then fed me cupcakes. He’s such a monster.” I rolled my eyes and took a bite of my quiche Lorraine. It wasn’t as good as I could make it, but it was passable. Needed nutmeg.

  Rory sighed. “Oh come on, I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it. I’m just surprised, is all. He’s usually so sexual. I didn’t know he could actually turn it off and be a gentleman.”

  “Well, he didn’t change completely. He was still a little dirty. Just the way
I like it.”

  Rory sighed and ate her French toast. She was more than used to me by now.

  “Well, I hope this isn’t going to become a thing, because I can’t lie to Lucah.”

  I’d thought about that and I felt horrible for putting her in the middle. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think it’s going to happen again. It felt . . . final when we left each other. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

  She visibly relaxed. “Oh, good. I know Lucah was all Mr. Super Corporate Spy, but I absolutely suck at lying to him now. Must be that stupid love thing.” She said the last part with a smile and looked down at the ring on her left hand.

  “That stupid love thing,” I said. I hadn’t experienced that stupid love thing in a while. I told myself I wasn’t experiencing it now. I couldn’t be in love with Ryder. It was much more of an infatuation. Chemistry and sex appeal. Lust in all its glory.

  “Yeah. Stupid boys who make us fall in love with them. What the hell is that about?” she said, looking back at me.

  “No idea. They should really make a pill to cure that.”

  “Agreed. Science is really letting us down.”

  “I’ll drink to that,” I said, raising my orange juice. I was going to take it easy today, even though I hadn’t had that many drinks last night.

  “Cheers.” We clinked our glasses together.

  “So, I’m going to start your dress, probably tomorrow or Monday. It makes more sense to work on it when the studio isn’t filled with needy people.”

  I worked there a lot when no one else was around as it gave me a sense of peace. It reminded me of the days when I didn’t have all those employees and interns, and was just renting an absolutely tiny studio that had heat that was always on the fritz and a leaky spot in the roof.

  Rory’s eyes lit up. “I’m so excited. I’ve got a lot of things planned for him. Some of them sexual, some of them not.” Rory and Lucah could barely keep their hands off each other, even during working hours. Lady Lust had them tight in her grip.

  “Tell me,” I said. She laid out her plans, complete with scotch, her favorite pair of red pumps, a playlist of all their songs, and a whole lot of nudity. I approved of this plan.

  “I think it’s time I wore my sexcretary cap again,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

  “Oh yeah? Are you going to take his memo?” We both snorted and got looks from the people around us who apparently wanted it quiet while they had brunch. I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at everyone.

  “As long as he gives me a memo in return,” she said. I loved it when we made dirty office jokes.

  We kept that going for a while then ended up going back to her place and having a John Hughes movie marathon with some cookies I’d baked the other day.

  “I miss this. We need to do more stuff like this,” Rory said as she pulled her feet up under her blanket.

  “We do. I miss having you around.” I was getting better at, you know, respecting her privacy. I used to just let myself in. But now I knocked and waited for someone to open the door. Still had my key though. For emergencies.

  “Maybe we should buy adjoining apartments,” I suggested. “Then I wouldn’t even need a key.”

  “Yeah, that would be great,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “Hey, if we bought a building then we could move Chloe and Marisol in and then it would be like a sleepover every night,” I said. How fun would that be?

  “Um, yeah. Sleepovers when you’re in your mid-twenties are totally normal.”

  “Hey, we have sleepovers all the time,” I said.

  “Those times when we get too drunk to go home and pass out on each other’s couches don’t count.” They so counted. Anything that involved a group of people spending the night at another person’s house and there was sleeping involved counted as a sleepover. I started to argue my point and Rory argued back, and pretty soon we were throwing cookies at each other.

  “Whoa, don’t waste perfectly good food,” Lucah said as he came in. Rory hopped off the couch to give him a kiss. They always acted like they hadn’t seen each other in years when they reunited. It was kind of sweet, actually.

  “We didn’t waste them,” Rory said, picking up one of the cookies that had fallen onto the blanket and munching on it. “See?”

  I definitely wasn’t going to eat the ones on the floor, but the cookies that were lost on the blankets were fair game.

  “Still.” He grabbed another cookie and ate it. “What have you lovely ladies been up to today?”

  “Brunch and then back here. You up for a John Hughes marathon? We’re starting The Breakfast Club in a few minutes.” We’d just finished Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and were taking a break before starting the next movie.

  “Um, I think I’ll pass for now. If I play for a while will that bother you?” Lucah had gotten all the musical talent Ryder supposedly lacked and could play a mean acoustic guitar, which he often exhibited during open mic nights.

  “Not at all. Sloane?” Rory asked.

  “Nope. Play away.” He usually kept the door nearly all the way closed, but open enough so Rory could hear. We might as well not even bother with the movie. She was going to be too busy listening to him the whole time with a dreamy look on her face.

  Lucah headed to the small room off the kitchen where he kept his guitar. He started out with strumming a few chords then played a few of his favorites, including a slow acoustic version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” It sounded lame but was impressive when you really listened.

  Rory sighed in contentment. “I really love him,” she said.

  “I know.” It was crazy obvious to anyone with eyeballs.

  “I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to.” Well, they were almost engaged now, so she wouldn’t have to.

  “It’s scary though. Loving someone that much.”

  I could imagine.

  “I bet.”

  “I mean, what if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?” She lowered her voice so that even if Lucah was trying to overhear us, he couldn’t above the sound of his guitar.

  “He would never. He’s so in love with you, Rory.”

  “I know, I know. But still. I wonder how I’d be able to pick up the pieces.”

  I leaned over and gave her a hug. “You’re meant to be, Ror. I know that.”

  She gave me a smile, knowing there were plenty of chances that she and Lucah wouldn’t work out, and there was nothing anyone could say to change that. They would either sink or swim, and sometimes outside forces ended a relationship. Sometimes before it even begun.

  “He’s having a rough time at work,” she whispered. “He’s been crazy stressed with developing all these new programs. Our stock has dropped, so there’s this enormous pressure to come out with something new. He has a whole team that’s working on it, but he takes on so much. Since he’s not doing the whole corporate espionage thing anymore, he wants to make this work.” I didn’t have any advice to offer there either, but I listened as she told me how she was stressed because he was stressed, and how they were both stressing each other out.

  “It’s like a vicious cycle. I keep waiting for one of us to fly off the handle.” She did seem tightly wound lately. More so than usual, and that was saying a lot.

  “Maybe you should take up yoga or something. I know Chloe could get you into a class at the spa.” Plus, she got us in for free.

  “Yeah, that’s an idea. But I’m not sure I’m feeling very zen or bendy right now,” she said, making a face. “But I have to admit, I definitely want to see Lucah doing some of those poses. Mmmm . . .” She looked over at the partially open door where Lucah was singing “I Touch Myself.” We both started laughing.

  “I think he’s trying to tell you something,” I said, and she rolled her eyes.

  “Hey, I leave him plenty satisfied.” I knew she did. One of the reasons they were such a good match was that their libidos were so in sync. Su
ch an important part of a relationship.

  “That’s my girl,” I said, tickling the bottom of her foot until she squealed.

  “Everything okay out here?” Lucah called.

  “Yup. All good,” I said.

  “Just keep singing, LJ,” she said. “We’ll pay you in cookies.” He stuck his head out and she held up the plate of cookies.

  “I really wish Ryder wouldn’t have told you about that nickname,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Aw, you love it,” Rory said. He got up, set his guitar down and came to give her a kiss before going back to playing, but this time, he left the door open and started playing “Boom Clap” so we could dance. Which we did.

  “We’re so mature,” she said as we danced in front of the door and Lucah laughed at us.

  “If by mature you mean awesome, then yes, we are,” I said, taking her arm and spinning her around. We even did a lift that made Lucah look up.

  “Next time we go to the lake, we should totally try the Dirty Dancing lift,” I said.

  “Only this time you hopefully won’t throw your back out,” she said. I winced at the memory. That had happened last summer at her parents’ cabin in Maine. We’d tried to get all our friends to go up this summer, but it hadn’t happened and now it was way too cold to swim.

  “Yeah, I’d like to avoid the emergency chiropractic care,” I said. We both burst out laughing as we remembered what an adventure that had been.

  “Is this one of those stories you’re going to share?” Lucah asked, playing softer.

  “Oh my God, I don’t know if I want you to know that story. It might be one of those things I don’t want my boyfriend to know,” Rory said, but then shook her head.

  “I mean, pre-fiancé. That’s what we’ve decided to call it,” she said to me.

  “Makes sense. But why don’t you just . . . get engaged and get it over with?” I asked.

  Rory and Lucah shared a look. “We’re just waiting until things are . . . more stable with work and everything. Because the minute we share that we’re engaged, it’s all over. My mom will start planning shit, and we’ll get all these questions. I just don’t know if I’m ready for all that,” she said. I could definitely understand where she was coming from. I didn’t blame her one bit.