Who We Could Be Read online

  I was still upset about our fight earlier. She was trying and I loved her for caring, but no one was ever going to be good enough for me, in her opinion. TJ was a good guy. My parents adored him, and he was everything they’d ever want in a son-in-law. He’d asked my dad’s permission before proposing, which I guess I was supposed to think was romantic, but I just thought was annoying and patriarchal.

  Whatever, that didn’t matter. I was marrying him because that was the plan. It was my plan, it was his plan, and it was my parent’s plan. I loved him, I did.

  Tears itched at the corners of my eyes. I needed to think about something else. I pulled out my phone and texted Tessa. Something told me she would be up.

  You awake?

  She responded immediately and I felt myself smiling. Everything okay?

  Yeah, I said. Just can’t sleep.

  I flinched as she sent me a request for a video chat. I answered as fast as I could, my fingers slipping on the screen and almost dropping my phone.

  “Hey,” I said. She was in her room and it was dark, her face lit by the flickering of the TV that was on mute.

  “Hey,” her voice was soft. “You want to talk about anything? Or talk about nothing?” If there was one thing Tessa O’Connor was good at, it was talking.

  “Nothing, please.”

  That made her grin.

  “Got it. Did you know that the inventor of Cornflakes made them to stop people from masturbating?”

  I blinked at her for a few seconds.

  “I did not,” I replied.

  “He was religious and thought that getting yourself off led to all kinds of bad things, and that certain foods would inspire you, or whatever, so he made Cornflakes and threw a hissy fit about not adding any sugar because sugar makes you horny, or something.”

  “He sounds like he was fun at parties,” I said, trying to imagine him pitching the idea.

  “Oh, definitely. Apparently, he never had sex with his wife either,” she said.

  “I’m not sure if I should feel good or bad for her.” That made her laugh.

  “Same. Need something else?”

  I burrowed further into the couch.

  “Yes, please.”

  I listened as Tessa told me about other breakfast cereal origins. I had no idea how she remembered all of that, but Tessa’s brain was an entire library’s worth of information. I never knew what she was going to pull out, and I was never bored with her. It was impossible to be bored around Tessa.

  “You know, there are podcasts for this,” she said, and I snapped my eyes open. I’d started to drift off.

  “True, but none of them are narrated by you,” I said.

  She yawned.

  “That’s true. I do have a good voice.” She did. Tessa yawned again. It was time to let her sleep. We both had to work tomorrow, her at a used bookstore, me at the library next door. Incredible that we’d somehow end up working right next to each other all these years later when we were paired up as Line Buddies in the first grade.

  “Goodnight, Ford,” she said in a drowsy voice. She’d been calling me that forever, and I’d given up on trying to get her to stop. I was just used to it now. Sometimes I even liked it.

  “Goodnight, Cin,” I said. It was only fair that I gave her a nickname that annoyed her right back.

  Figuring that sleeping on the couch was probably bad for my back, I rolled to my feet and fumbled my way to my bedroom. For the millionth time, I wished I had a cat or some sort of animal, but TJ was allergic, so pets weren’t an option for me. Having someone to cuddle would have made me feel a little less alone.

  Part of me considered calling Tessa back, but that would be ridiculous. I could get through a night without her. I’d gotten through many nights without her.

  Soon I wouldn’t be alone. Soon I would be with TJ, for the rest of our lives. Just the two of us.

  I NEEDED SO MUCH COFFEE the next day to make it through. I was just thinking I needed another cup to take me through the afternoon as I reshelved some books and kept my eye on some teens on the computers at the same time.

  “Hey Ford,” a voice said behind me, too loudly.

  Instantly I turned around and shushed a smirking Tessa, who crossed her arms and leaned on the bookshelves.

  “You’ve really got your shush down, I’m so proud.” Her hair was all over the place from being outside on this windy day. Her undercut was growing out again, which meant she was probably here to pout and beg me to shave it for her. She thought she was being sneaky, but Tessa was about as sneaky as a punch to the face.

  “What can I do for you?” I said, putting on my best librarian voice.

  “I was just coming over to see if you needed any coffee. I was running over to get some and thought I’d be a good best friend and ask.”

  I slumped against the shelf.

  “Yes, I definitely need coffee. So bad.”

  Tessa pointed at me with finger guns. “You got it. Be right back.”

  I finished shelving the books, checked on the teens, and went to the break room in the back and propped the door open so Tessa could come in. Technically speaking, coffee wasn’t allowed in the library, so we always consumed it in the break room.

  Lindsey, the head librarian, was on her computer in her attached office and looked up to give me a smile. I was really lucky to get to work for her, and she always stepped up when a patron was being a problem and wanted to Speak to a Manager. She also didn’t put up with nonsense from anyone. She’d come in like a tornado, whipping this small-town library into shape.

  “Knock knock,” Tessa said, before poking her head through the door and presenting me with a sweating, plastic cup and a bag with what I supposed were pastries in it.

  “My hero!” I said, pretending to swoon.

  “You can’t swoon until I’ve put my stuff down so I can catch you,” she said, setting everything on the counter. There was a rapping sound and we both turned to find Lindsey watching us through the glass window in her office.

  “No swooning,” she said.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said, saluting her before picking up my coffee and sucking some through the straw. “Ahhh, sweet elixir of life. How many shots are in this?” I checked the side but there were only two. I narrowed my eyes at Tessa.

  “Hey, don’t growl at me, you know that you can’t have that much caffeine in the afternoon because then you’re up all night and who are you calling to talk to sleep? Me.” She pointed to herself. “So this is for your own good, as well as mine.”

  I scowled and sipped my drink.

  “You’re sassy today, what’s up?” Tessa hopped up on the counter and dug through the paper bag, unearthing a cherry Danish that she proceeded to devour.

  “Not enough caffeine,” I said, holding up the drink.

  Pastry finished, she licked her fingers and looked at me, frosting and cherry goo glistening on her lips. I reached behind me for a napkin from the container on the table in the middle of the room, handing it to her.

  She wiped her face and tossed the napkin in the trash on the other side of the room.

  “Anything else bothering you?” she asked, leaning forward. I took a step back and leaned against a chair.

  “Not really. Just everything.” I waved one hand vaguely.

  “Okay,” she said, hopping off the counter. “Well, I should probably get back to work, that took me more than fifteen minutes. Come over after you get off if you want.”

  “TJ’s coming over,” I said, and Tessa made a face for a split second before hiding it. I knew she didn’t like him, but she was going to have to get over it. I’d picked him and she was my best friend. I was not choosing between the two of them, now or ever.

  “Sounds good,” she said in her false cheery voice. “Bye.” She was gone before I could thank her for the coffee.

  WORK FINALLY ENDED and I went home to freshen up before TJ picked me up in his truck.

  “Hey,” I said, climbing up. He smelled like ciga
rettes, even though he swore he’d quit.

  “Hey,” he said, giving me a quick kiss and then gunning it up the street. There wasn’t a whole lot to do around town, so we had to drive a little bit of a distance to get to TJ’s favorite sport’s bar. It wasn’t my choice of date venue, but he was always happier there, so I didn’t mind compromising.

  The crappy radio blared country music as I tried to talk to him. He was in one of his moods, so I gave up after a little while. I kept stealing looks at him. There was one thing about TJ: he was handsome as hell. Clear blue eyes, cheeks that were always just a little bit ruddy, and a dimple in his chin. By all objective standards, he was hot.

  We made it to the bar at last and went in. He’d made a reservation this time, so that was nice. Last time we’d had to wait forever.

  “Hey, so you should probably start moving some of your stuff over this weekend,” he said, as I stared at a menu that I’d memorized for how many times I’d been here.

  “Okay. I’ll pack a few boxes up this week and have them ready. I also have those books for your mom.” TJ and his parents had a rocky relationship, but they’d gotten closer lately, and I did like his mother. I’d picked up a few used books I thought she might like. Seemed like the thing to do for my future mother in law.

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  TJ ordered a beer and messed on his phone as I tried to engage him in any conversation. Finally, I got him talking about movies. TJ loved movies. I’d never met anyone who had seen more movies than him. It was usually what we did on our dates. When we’d first gotten together, he’d take me out in his truck, set up a projector and a sheet on the side of a building and we’d watch them for hours and dissect them afterward. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d done that.

  “You want to go this weekend to see that new one? I can’t remember the name.”

  “Can’t. I’ve got to work, sorry. I’m pulling overtime for the wedding and everything,” he said, not looking up from his phone.

  Our wedding was nothing fancy, but that didn’t mean it was free. Neither of us had a ton of funds, and I refused to let either of our parents put up any money to support us. We were both adults and we didn’t need them to give us a cent. TJ was reluctantly on board with that plan, so he’d pick up some extra hours at his job, and I saw him a lot less.

  After the wedding, things would calm down and we’d get back into our routine. We just had to get through the wedding. Only a few weeks left. I wish eloping wouldn’t kill both sets of parents, or else I would have suggested that. It would have been so easy to just drive to the courthouse and be done with it. I could have worn my dress anyway, and Tessa could have stood by my side. Her condition on being my maid of honor was that she got to choose what she wore, and I still had no idea what her outfit was going to look like, no matter how many times I’d tried to get it out of her. When Tessa actually put in the effort, she could keep a secret better than anyone I knew.

  TJ’s gloomy mood forced me to not order dessert, even though they actually had decent cake at this place. He paid and we got back in his truck and I tried to bring him back around. I received one-word answers and grunts all the way back to my place.

  He did get out and open my door for me and help me down from the truck.

  “Thanks for dinner,” I said. “You want to come up for a few minutes?”

  He jammed his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. His boots were covered in sawdust from work.

  We hadn’t had sex in weeks. I told myself it was because he was busy, but it was also me not making an effort. This man was going to be my husband and the least I could do was show him that I wanted him.

  I leaned forward and grabbed his shirt so I could kiss him. He kissed me back, but pulled away quickly.

  “Listen, I’m really tired. I’ll make it up to you next week, I swear. Work is just a lot.” I knew that, but it still stung when he kissed my cheek and got back into his truck and roared away.

  Maybe next week.

  Three

  Tessa

  “What about this?” Vanessa, my aunt said, pointing at a chair.

  I shook my head. “No, that’s not going to work. She doesn’t need a chair.” The two of us weaved through the antique shop, making our way to the back, where Vanessa’s wife, Hollie, was dusting.

  “Any luck?” she said, looking up from a shelf of plates.

  “Not really.” I sighed heavily and leaned against an antique bureau that had several items on it. “I just don’t know what to get her. Nothing seems right. I’ve never had this much of an issue getting Ford a present before.” I’d been hitting it out of the park until now.

  For some reason, finding a wedding present for Monty was proving to be an impossible task. I’d thought that I could get “something old” and quirky for her, but I wasn’t having much luck.

  “How goes the dusting, my love?” Vanessa said, giving her wife a kiss.

  “Never-ending,” Hollie said with a laugh.

  “Hey, you signed up for this,” Vanessa said, holding up Hollie’s hand where an antique emerald ring glinted in the light.

  “Yes, darling,” Hollie said, kissing Vanessa on the cheek. I loved seeing the two of them together. They’d only been married for a few years, but had been together as long as I could remember. I’d spent my childhood rampaging through the antique store with them chasing after me and pleading with me not to break anything. They never got mad when I inevitably did. Seeing them together was like seeing a matched set. They fit so perfectly, with Hollie tucked under Vanessa’s arm.

  “Look around,” Vanessa said, her arm around Hollie, one hand playing with Hollie’s brown curls. “See if anything strikes your fancy. Don’t think about finding the right present, just think about something she’d like. A regular present, without the pressure of it having to be the perfect wedding present.” That made sense.

  I took my time going through the shop, trying to take everything in. The place was crowded, but organized and clean. The furniture all smelled of lemon polish and I always associated that smell with warmth and comfort. I walked past the corner with the books, where I used to hide and read when my aunts babysat me. My eyes meandered, looking at clocks and paintings and dishes and dolls. Monty would kill me if I bought her a creepy doll that was probably haunted, no matter how funny it would be to watch her open it.

  No, joke gifts were not going to fly. I had to get her something special and personal. Everyone else was getting shit off her registry, but I didn’t play that game. This woman was my best friend, and I was not getting a present that just anyone could get her.

  Something caught my eye and I saw a tiny silver tea set. It was only enough for two cups, but it was shiny and pretty and embossed with roses.

  “Aunt V? I think I found something,” I called and waited for my aunts to join me. I looked at the price tag and winced. Ouch. Good thing I’d set money aside for this.

  “What you got there?” Vanessa said, peering over my shoulder. I pointed at the tea set.

  “Oh, that’s gorgeous, she’s going to love it. You should get her some cloths and silver polish too. We got that off an estate sale,” Hollie said, putting her chin on Vanessa’s shoulder.

  “It’s yours,” Vanessa said, hugging me. I leaned in and inhaled the scent of lemon polish and something just a tiny bit musty.

  “No way, I’m paying for it,” I said, as Hollie picked up the set and went to wrap it and put it in a box for me to take.

  “No way, you’re not paying for it,” Vanessa said. “And that’s final.” Her hazel eyes narrowed, and she crossed her arms.

  “But—” I tried to argue, but she put both hands on my shoulders.

  “Listen, this is a present from you and from us. We love Monty, so consider it a joint present.”

  I couldn’t really argue with that. “Fine. But I’m putting your names on the card.”

  “Deal,” Vanessa said, as we walked toward the front and the door ding
ed with the arrival of a new customer in search of treasures.

  Hollie put the box in my hands and I thanked both of them for the gift.

  “We’ll see you for dinner tomorrow night?” I balanced the box as I pushed through the door.

  “Yup,” I said. Every other Sunday I had dinner with my aunts. They said it was to rescue me from being raised with three older brothers, which I appreciated.

  I took the present home and put it in my room before driving to Monty’s place.

  “Hey, it’s me,” I called as I walked through the door. I had a key, but it wasn’t like she ever needed to lock her door. This was rural Maine. You were more likely to lose your key and have to call a locksmith than have someone break in. Fortunately, the local locksmith was really nice and if you invited him in for coffee and let him yammer a little bit about his life, he usually forgot to charge you. Not that I had any experience with that or anything.

  “Do you ever knock?” Monty said, coming around the corner, oven mitts on.

  “I thought about it, but then I didn’t,” I said. “Something smells amazing.” Monty jumped and ran back into the kitchen and I followed.

  “Yeah, I’m making a pie.” Of course she was.

  “What kind?” She pulled said pie out of the oven and it was a work of art. She’d done an elaborate braided lattice on the top. Carefully, she set the pie on a cooling rack near the small window. The curtains softly fluttered from the steam of the pie.

  “Cherry,” she said. “I’d say you can have a slice, but this is for Linda.” TJ’s mother. She wiped her forehead with her arm and set the oven mitts down. “But I had enough crust and filling left over to make a few mini pies. I just have to finish the crust.”

  I spied another tray of unfinished pies. “Can I help?” I went to the sink and washed my hands.

  “Sure,” Monty said, and we stood together over her tiny dining table where she had a wooden board laid out, covered in flour.