Faster We Burn Read online

  “You’re on,” I said, giving her a salute. Trish waved goodbye as well, and then it was just Lottie and me.

  “Have you heard from Zack?” Lottie said as she cleared up the rest of the refuse from our little Katie pity party. I could tell she’d been waiting until we were alone.

  “Yeah, he’s left me a million messages. I’m just waiting for the “sorry I fucked up” gifts to start coming in.” I’d already put the necklace he’d given me from the last screw-up in my jewelry box.

  “Maybe you should change your cell number or something.”

  If only it were that easy. Something that simple wouldn’t stop Zack from finding another way to contact me. I’d take a million voicemails over him doing something really crazy, like showing up in one of my classes, or waiting at my car, or something else like that. Phone calls were harmless.

  I gave her a look.

  “Sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about him.”

  I stacked the pillows back on my bed for something to do. “Not really.”

  She handed me two more pillows. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “It’s okay.” I should just record myself saying that and ‘I’m fine’ so I could play them back whenever I needed to.

  “You sure?” I grabbed the last pillow and placed it in the middle of the rest.

  “Yup.”

  She gave me another look and went to brush her teeth. I lay back on my bed and tried to forget that only a few hours ago, I’d been fucking Stryker in it. Tried, but did not succeed.

  Stryker

  “How is Lottie going to keep this a secret from Will? They have that creepy twin thing,” I said as I worked on replacing the clutch Zan had burned out while learning how to drive a standard on Will’s truck. The weather was getting colder and soon it would be nearly impossible to work outside without the potential risk of losing a few fingers or my nose to frostbite.

  “I don’t know, honestly. I’m shocked she’s managed to keep us a secret this long.”

  I wiped my hands on a rag and slid out from under the truck. Zan sat on a folding chair and worked on his banjo picking. The rest of the driveway was filled with some of my other car projects. It was a decent way to make a few bucks and my landlord didn’t seem to mind that I took up three times the spaces as long as I kept his car tuned up and running like a champ. I also bartended here and there when I got really strapped for cash, but I’d been doing better at saving money. Being dirt poor also meant you got great financial aid. I still had no clue what I’d do when I graduated, but I had plenty of options, thanks to being, what I told Zan, “a fucking genius”.

  “So you two are serious?” I said.

  He looked up from the banjo.

  “I love her. I thought I did before, but it was just an infatuation. This is different.”

  I leaned against the truck and shaded my eyes from the afternoon sun. “How?”

  “I used to think she was this perfect person. That everything she did was right. Now I know that she’s got flaws, but I love those flaws. She’s not perfect and I love her the way she is. She makes me want to be a better person, and she doesn’t care about everything in my past. How could I not fall for that?”

  Jesus, it was so simple for him.

  I’d never told a girl I loved her. Probably because I’d never loved one. At least not in the way Zan was talking. His past was dark, yes, but it was a temporary darkness. He hadn’t been born to it, hadn’t been raised in it. His parents were generally decent, and his brother, however fucked up he was, loved him too. He’d had money and second chances and people who’d pulled him through the dark.

  I shoved my past aside and went to help him with some of his fingering.

  Katie had been ignoring me and I’d been letting her, out of respect. She probably never wanted to see me again, and I was fine with that. Not that I wouldn’t have picked up the phone if she’d called me. I would have. The sex was great and I would be more than happy to let it happen again, if she wanted it to. I just wasn’t into forcing girls like some guys.

  I was about to answer Zan when my phone rang from my back pocket. I looked at the screen and it was an unknown number. It could have been someone calling my phone with a wrong number, but I didn’t think so.

  “Hello?” My greeting was met with silence and I was about to hang up when she spoke.

  “Hey,” Katie said after a long pause. “You said if I needed anything to call. I need a distraction. Of the physical variety.”

  “Mhm,” I said, fully aware that Zan was sitting right in front of me and Katie would not want him knowing. “When?”

  “Right now. Can I come to your place?”

  “I’m fixing a friend’s truck right now, but maybe in an hour?”

  She sighed.

  “Okay, fine. But don’t tell anyone.”

  “You got it,” I said and hung up.

  “Who was that?” Zan said.

  “Just a friend who wanted to look at that extra guitar I’ve been trying to sell. He’s coming over in an hour.”

  “Can you finish in time? I have to get this back to Lottie so Will doesn’t kill me.”

  “Sure thing.” I got on my back and slid back under the truck, trying not to grin too much.

  ***

  Zan left ten minutes before Katie’s Mazda pulled into the lot next to my apartment. She’d never been here, but she clearly knew where it was anyway.

  She was visibly upset when I opened the door at the bottom of the stairs. I was on the second floor, but the first floor apartment was vacant, so I just treated the whole space as mine.

  “You okay?” I said, taking in her puffy red eyes and the fact that she hadn’t made much of an effort with her appearance again.

  She laughed without humor.

  “I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I’m so tired of saying ‘I’m fine.’ I didn’t come here for that.”

  Jesus, calm down. We signed up for a hookup, not a therapy session. “Okay. From now on I will not ask you if you’re okay. Deal?”

  She inhaled.

  “Deal.”

  “Any other requests?”

  She thought for a moment and stepped over the threshold until we were chest to chest.

  “Yes. Don’t call me babe.”

  “You got it,” I said before I picked her up and kissed her so hard our teeth collided. I nearly broke both our necks getting us up the stairs and through my front door, but somehow I managed it.

  At least this time I got my pants all the way off. She was no less frantic as she stripped me down and shoved me toward the couch. I had to toss the banjo on the floor, hoping it didn’t get damaged. She straddled me and this time at least, I was prepared with a condom. She tore the package with her teeth and rolled it on, like someone who had had a lot of practice, before sliding down on me.

  Neither of us spoke.

  I let her take the lead this time, picking up her quick and vicious rhythm. My hands dug into her ass as she found her pleasure and then I found mine. We both panted as she climbed off of me and started getting dressed. I went to take care of the condom and when I came back she had folded my clothes and left them on the couch for me.

  “So what are you escaping from this time?” I said as she pulled her shirt over her head.

  “Zack sent me a bunch of stuff and wrote me a note saying he wants to talk.” I put my boxers on. The tag was sticking out of the back of her shirt, so I put it back in for her, even though she flinched at the simple gesture.

  “Don’t do it,” I said.

  She turned her head to look at me, her eyes blazing and her cheeks still flushed from the sex.

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” she snapped.

  Christ, I needed to wave a white flag with this girl every time I opened my mouth. “I’m not. Just advising. It isn’t a good idea.”

  “Well thank you so much for your concern, guy I just fucked, but I’ve got plenty of concern and I don’t need
it from you.” She pulled on her boots and smoothed her hair, re-doing her ponytail. “I don’t need anything from you except a physical distraction, and now that I’ve got it I’m going to go back to my room to watch movies with my friends and smile and be fine. Because I am.”

  I smiled at her. “Okay, sweetheart. You’re fine.”

  She glared at me and put her purse over her shoulder and pulled out her keys.

  “Don’t patronize me.”

  I shook my shirt out and pulled it over my head.

  “Sorry. My mistake.” Upon further inspection, the banjo seemed to be unscathed, so I set it on my lap and played a little tune.

  “Sooo, bye. I’ll call you.” She paused for just a moment with the door half-open.

  I grinned at her. “Me and my dick are looking forward to it.”

  She glared again and shook her head before slamming the door.

  Chapter Three

  Katie

  Saying something and doing it are two different things. I hadn’t thought about Stryker much since our little tryst, but when I got back to my room Friday afternoon to find a pile of gifts and a note from Zack taped to my door, I lost it.

  The note was all hearts and flowers and things he thought I wanted to hear. He was sorry, and he missed me and he loved me.

  I crumpled up the note and threw it in the trash before I pulled Stryker’s number from my desk drawer. I didn’t even hesitate before I dialed.

  The hour of waiting to go over there nearly killed me. I spent it opening Zack’s presents and figuring out how much they cost him by looking them up online. At least this time he was keeping his distance. I knew I had Zan to thank for that.

  I was actually a little shocked that Stryker was willing to give it a go again, but then he was a guy and I was a girl who was willing to have sex with him. No attachment, no feelings, no clingy girlfriend behavior. Most guys dreamed of that. The only thing that bothered me about our arrangement was the fact that he’d started giving me his opinion. I should probably institute a no-talking rule.

  Lottie was reading when I came back from Stryker’s, feeling satisfied physically, but shitty otherwise.

  “Hey, where have you been? I wanted to know if you were coming to dinner.” She put a bookmark in the book and set it down on her desk. To Kill A Mockingbird, of course.

  “Just went out for a little while. I needed a breather after finding all of this,” I waved my hand at the presents.

  “Yeah I was going to ask, but then I figured it out. He’s getting good with the grand gestures, isn’t he? I guess he’s had lots of practice.”

  “Whatever.” I gathered up the stuff and shoved it under my bed.

  Out of sight, out of mind.

  Stryker was out of my sight, but he wasn’t out of my mind.

  That night Lottie went to stay with Zan and I was alone, I found a Law and Order marathon and put that on, but the room felt too big. Like it was going to swallow me whole. I paced and bit my nails and picked up my phone and scrolled through the numbers. I couldn’t call Britt or Karina or Ashley. Speaking of them, I still had a wall full of pictures of all of us, and quite a few of me with Zack. No, I couldn’t call them. Those girls who would have told me, once again, that Zack was a great guy and I should figure out how to make it work. Their grinning faces mocked me, so I turned my back on the wall.

  I also couldn’t call Audrey or Trish. They’d drop everything and come over and be all comforting and hover like helicopters, and that wasn’t what I needed either. I was surrounded by a whole bunch of people and I’d never felt more alone.

  I’d known before I picked up my phone who I was going to call. I also knew that he’d pick up.

  “Hi,” I said when he answered after the second ring.

  “Hey. Is something wrong? I can ask you that when you call me in the middle of the night, right?” He only sounded half-awake, his voice husky.

  “No, nothing’s wrong, per se. I’m just here. Alone.” I laughed a little. It seemed like a stupid reason to call when I said it out loud. “I’m sorry for calling you.”

  “Don’t hang up,” he said, as if he sensed that I was going to. “I wasn’t asleep, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. No, I did not need to think about Stryker’s pants, or what was in them.

  “Oh, good.” We both breathed in unison for a moment.

  “What were you doing?” Maybe I didn’t want to know the answer. I almost heard him formulating a snarky response, but he chose the truth instead.

  “Drawing.”

  “Drawing?” I could see that, I guess. With the tattoos and everything.

  “Yeah. I’ll show sometime. If you decide you want whatever this is to extend beyond merely a physical distraction.”

  I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. “Right now I don’t need a physical distraction. Just a verbal one.”

  I heard the smile in his voice. “I think I can do that.”

  So he started talking. About how he still didn’t know what he wanted to do when he graduated, even though he’d already gotten internship offers from more than a few companies. About his favorite bands and how he felt the first time he heard The Beatles and how he’d taught himself to play most of his instruments and read music. I listened as he talked and the passion in his voice was so strong that it made me sad, and jealous that I didn’t feel like that about anything.

  I remembered feeling that way about things in the past, but it had been years. I missed it.

  “What’s your favorite song?” I said to try to distract myself from my depressing lack of passion.

  “I don’t have a favorite song. I have a current favorite song. It changes a lot. I have different favorite songs for different situations.”

  “What’s your favorite song right now?”

  He answered without hesitation.

  “‘Demons’ by Imagine Dragons.”

  “I’ve never heard it,” I said. I thought I’d heard Lottie mention the band once or twice, but it didn’t sound like anything I would listen to.

  “I’ll play it for you.” I heard him set the phone down and put it on speaker. “Can you hear me?”

  “Yeah.” Of course he had a guitar. I would have been surprised if he didn’t.

  “I’ll be right back. Hold on.” I waited and heard him crashing around getting something. “Sorry about that. Needed to find the right instrument. Haven’t quite learned this one on the violin yet, so you get the boring guitar version.”

  “I’m fine with that.” He played the violin? Now that was a shocker.

  He laughed before he started strumming, and then he began to sing. His voice had a rough quality that pulled at something inside me. I found myself breathing quieter, clutching the phone to my ear and turning the volume all the way up so I could hear him better.

  Since I’d never heard the original, I didn’t know how his version compared, but it sounded damn good to me. I heard him put aside the guitar and pick up the phone again.

  “So that’s my favorite song. Sorry about those little screw ups on the second chorus. I’m still working on the arrangement.”

  “What screw ups?” I honestly hadn’t heard any. He’d been flawless.

  He laughed.

  “Never mind. So how am I doing on verbal distracting?”

  I didn’t want to blow up his ego too much. “I’m impressed with your skills.”

  “If you ever want to experience more of my skills in the physical distracting department, I’d be more than happy to share them with you.”

  I rolled my eyes, which he couldn’t see, but he probably knew I was doing it anyway. “Yeah, I bet you do. Guys always talk a big game but when the time comes to deliver, they can’t.”

  “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I can walk the walk.” There was a fluttering below my waist that I tried to ignore. That lasted about five seconds.

  “Come over. Right now.” The words were out of my mouth before I even knew I was
saying them.

  He paused before he said, “No.”

  “No?”

  “No. I’m not just some guy you can call for a fuck anytime you want. You called me for verbal distractions and you want physical ones in the same night? Sorry, sweetheart. You don’t always get what you want.”

  I was about to say something, but the call cut off. He hung up on me. I hit redial right away. What the hell?

  No answer.

  I tried again.

  No answer.

  I texted him and got back a response a second later.

  I’m going to bed. You probably should too. Get your beauty sleep. To be continued

  I typed an angry response and then deleted it before typing something else.

  Dot dot dot.

  Stryker

  It was only a matter of time before I got into bed with Katie again, and it was only a matter of time before we got caught. We were in the thick of it when Katie’s door opened and I head the gasp of surprise.

  As expected, Lottie gave both of us a talking to. For a tiny girl, she sure knew how to make you feel like you were even shorter. Zan didn’t seem either surprised or upset, which led me to believe he’d known all along. I was an idiot to think I could put it past him. He noticed everything. I apologized and tried not to be a dick about it, but I knew that I was going to be on Lottie’s shit list for a little while.

  After Lottie dragged Zan down to his room for the night, Katie dragged me back to her room.

  “Shit. Shit, shit, shit,” she said as she tried to put her clothes back on with shaking hands. “Now she’s going to hate me and Zack is going to find out. Shit, shit, shit!” She tried to get her panties on, but tripped, and I caught her.

  “Here.” I pushed her onto the bed and got them over her feet and pulled them up for her, following them with her jeans.

  “You don’t have to baby me,” she said, snatching her bra from the bedpost and putting it on.

  “I’m not trying to. I was just trying to help.” I backed off and dressed myself. It never bothered me when Katie talked like that to me. I was pretty sure I was the only person who saw this side of her. To everyone else she was sweetness and light. I got the sarcastic side. But sarcasm was often tinged with truth. More so than niceness.