Deep Surrendering: Episode Six Read online

  “Time? Uh, how about one o’clock?”

  “Okay, that works. How’s everything going?” There was a weird sound as he covered the mouthpiece and said something to someone. Probably Mom.

  “Dad?”

  He came back on, sounding flustered.

  “Yes, I’m here. Everything’s fine. We’re just having a discussion with the decorator.” Riiiggghhhhhhttttt. Yeah, I didn’t believe that.

  “Oh, okay. Well, I’ll see you at one.”

  He hung up without saying anything else. Weird. Trés weird.

  I got to my parents’ house early on purpose. I wanted to catch them off-guard so I could maybe figure out what the hell was up.

  Dad opened the door, and it took him a moment to figure out it was me.

  “Hey, I know I’m early,” I said, peering inside and wondering what I’d see. Looked normal.

  “Oh yes, come in.” He shook his head to clear it and motioned for me to walk in. I gave him a hug.

  “Where’s Mom?” Not that long ago, I wouldn’t have set foot in this house on purpose, but things change, don’t they? I also never thought I would fall for a man who tied me up and fucked me from behind.

  I probably shouldn’t think about that when I was visiting my parents. Correction: I definitely didn’t want to think about that when visiting my parents.

  “Oh, she’s taking a nap.” What? A nap? I nearly fell over. My mother didn’t take naps. I’d never heard of such a thing.

  “She is?” I said, just to make sure. “Is she sick?” Not that she would have ever taken a nap in that situation either. When I was little, I thought my mother never slept. She always seemed to be awake and alert and in my business, no matter the time of day or night.

  “Yes, she’s a little … under the weather. Nothing serious.” He added the last part hastily. “So, what’s new with you since I saw you last?” He took my arm and led me into the den, where he had tea set out. Things were less formal without Mom around. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d been alone with my father. It had to be years, at least.

  There was a painful tug at my gut as I pondered that. True, I didn’t get along with my parents, but part of it was my fault.

  “Dad? Is she really okay?” I touched his arm and made sure he was looking at me. His eyes met mine. They were the same color as mine exactly. For a moment, I thought he was going to tell me, and then he blinked and looked away, putting a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes.

  “She’s fine. Just tired. We should sit down before the tea gets cold.” He held my chair out for me, effectively ending my inquiry for the second time. I sighed and sat down.

  Dad asked about Fin, and I felt a little more comfortable telling him about my relationship than Mom. I didn’t worry about him telling her details I wouldn’t want her to know. It was much better to keep her in the dark about certain aspects of what went on between me and Fin than to have her know the truth. Just a lot less hassle for all of us.

  “You like him,” he said.

  “Yeah, I do.” I couldn’t hide my smile. Despite all the strife and struggle Fin and I had been through in our short relationship, I knew that it would be worth it. I knew what we had was worth it.

  “But he travels a lot, doesn’t he? Is that going to change anytime soon?” I didn’t answer right away because I didn’t know the answer.

  “We haven’t really talked about that part yet. We’re just … seeing how things go. Not defining it or making future plans. We’ll see.” I sipped the last of my tea as my stomach twisted. I knew Fin and I were going to have that conversation soon, probably more than once.

  It was going to come down to him choosing to stay under his father’s thumb, or to break free. I knew he was strong enough to do it, but whether or not he knew that … that was the question.

  I chatted some more with Dad about other things and mentioned maybe going upstairs to say hello to Mom, but he shot that down. There was something going on in this house. I was kicking myself for not staying in touch with them more. I was their only daughter, and I couldn’t even act like it. The only thing I could do now was try to be better.

  “Wow,” I said as I came down from my first orgasm of the day. Fin and I were on the webcam again, and we’d nearly finished simultaneously.

  Fin wiped his hand off and I zipped up my jeans. There was something else I missed besides the sex. The closeness. The glow the two of us shared after we were together. Sometimes it was almost as good as the sex.

  I leaned back on my bed and propped my head on my hand. “So, can I have my secret now?” I grabbed a pillow and held on to it. Poor substitute for Fin’s body, but it would have to do.

  “How about we change things up tonight?”

  I wasn’t sure about that. “Trying to change the rules on me, Fin Herald? Not cool.” I shook my finger at him.

  “No, hear me out,” he said, holding his hands up.

  I glared but kept my mouth shut.

  “How about instead of a secret, I tell you something about me that no one else knows? Which is sort of a secret, in a way.”

  I sighed. “I guess.”

  “And maybe you could tell me something about you that no one knows?” He sounded hopeful.

  “Hey, I already got myself off on a webcam for you. That’s the trade—my body for your secrets.” I crossed my arms.

  Fin shook his head and then ran his hand through his hair. He’d been doing that a lot lately.

  “You know we both enjoyed that. And I want to know more about you. I want to strip you bare, and I’m not talking about you not having clothes on.” A little shiver went down my spine. I wasn’t sure how I felt about being stripped bare by Fin. But if anyone could do it, it would be him. He’d crawl into all the corners of my soul, root out my secrets and insecurities.

  “Will you bring me back a present from Germany?”

  “You know very well that you’re already getting presents,” he said.

  I made a growl of frustration. “Okay, fine. Fine,” I conceded. “But you have to go first.”

  He nodded in agreement. “I’ll go first.”

  Sometimes I wondered if I should write down what Fin told me, but that would feel almost like an invasion of privacy. God forbid, if anyone ever found it, he’d be in big trouble, and I didn’t know if he’d forgive me for doing that.

  “Something no one else knows about me is that I love musical theater.” He stopped and waited for my reaction.

  “You mean, like, musicals? As in Phantom of the Opera and so forth?” I had a healthy appreciation for the theater as much as the next person, but I hadn’t seen a whole lot of musicals. Fin smiled, and his eyes lit up. He loved musicals. Who would have thought?

  “Yeah. I love them all. Even Cats!. No one knows. I used to sneak out and see shows by myself, wearing a hoodie. I almost got thrown out once because they thought I was some hoodlum off the street who had snuck in. I had to show them my ticket.”

  I laughed at the absurdity of that. “Okay, so answer me this. What’s your favorite musical?”

  He looked up at the ceiling as he pondered.

  “Now that’s a hard one. I guess it would depend on what kind of mood I’m in. If I want something that makes me think about life, I go see South Pacific or West Side Story. If I want to laugh, I go see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum or Guys and Dolls. And then there’s the classics like Oklahoma and Les Misérables. I love them all.” He shrugged and grinned at me, looking like a little boy excited about something.

  How delightfully sweet.

  “Well, that is quite a revelation, Fin Herald.”

  “My parents thought musical theater was tacky and gauche. I was only allowed to see serious plays like Shakespeare, and usually only because it was part of some benefit or we had to be seen in society.” Ugh, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Although most of the society events my parents went to involved a lot of drinking and gossiping about who was slee
ping with their secretary/pool boy/stepson/nanny.

  “I have to admit, I haven’t seen a whole lot of plays. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s that I guess they aren’t on my radar. We should go when you come back.”

  His smile got even wider. “Absolutely. I’ll take you to so many shows you’ll be an aficionado in no time. And I have some connections, so we might be able to get into the Tonys.” Of course he had connections. He was Fin Herald.

  “Wow, that would be amazing. I’d love to do that with you.” I’d love to do just about anything with him. Hell, a root canal would be a pleasant and romantic experience as long as he was there with me.

  “So now it’s your turn. What’s something no one knows about you?”

  I searched my brain for something. A fact about me that not even Chloe knew. Hmmm…

  “Okay, I’ve got it. But you can’t laugh or make fun of me.”

  Fin gave me a look. “I would never laugh or make fun of you. I mean, not unless you knew it was clearly a joke.” My heart melted a tiny bit. If he didn’t want me to fall for him, he’d done a terrible job of trying to keep me away.

  “Do you know what fanfiction is?” I asked hesitantly. There was no way I’d ever tell someone else this. It was just too embarrassing. Not to mention … well, yeah. Embarrassing.

  “Fanfiction? No, what is that?” Great, now I was going to have to explain that, too. I thought for a second about changing my mind and telling him about something else, but I decided to forge ahead.

  “Okay, just … don’t judge me. Fanfiction is when you take an existing book or show and write your own story about the characters. Sometimes it’s really similar and sometimes it’s completely different. That doesn’t really explain it. But do you see what I mean?” I twisted my hands together and felt my face get red.

  “Oh, yes. Now I know what you’re talking about. It’s like writing your own different ending or episodes and so forth. So what kind of fanfiction did you write?”

  Now came the embarrassing part.

  “Um, a few different kinds. Some for television shows, but I was really into writing it for that series of vampire books that came out a few years ago.” I tried not to cringe when I talked about it. Fanfic had been one of those things I did for a brief time during my undergrad years in college. God, I hadn’t thought about that in years.

  “You mean Twilight? You wrote Twilight fanfiction?”

  “Yeah,” I said, and waited for him to laugh at me anyway. I’d also been a big fan of Supernatural fanfiction but had never written it.

  “You can relax because I’m not going to laugh at you. But I am going to ask if I can read some of it,” he said.

  I sputtered for a moment. What?

  “You want to read it?” That thought had never even crossed my mind. No way. Never.

  “Of course. I’d love to.”

  “You, Fin Herald, would like to read my Twilight fanfiction.” I had to make sure this was actually happening.

  “Yes. If you’d let me.”

  I shook my head, and then I was the one laughing. I rolled onto my back and wiped my eyes because they’d started watering.

  “What is so funny about that?” he asked. “I’m sure it’s good, if you wrote it.”

  I was finally able to breathe through my laughter and get a handle on myself.

  “No, it’s terrible. It’s so bad, Fin. I mean, some fanfiction is really good, but mine is not. I swear to you.” I grabbed a tissue from my bedside table and dabbed at my eyes. It probably was pretty terrible. I’d been in a purple prose appreciation phase and was also super angsty. Neither of those things made for good writing.

  “I still want to read it. If you come to a show with me, you have to let me read one. Just one.”

  I sighed and buried my head in my pillow.

  I lifted my head and glared at him. He just gave me a pleading expression and clasped his hands together.

  “Please?” He unclasped his hands and leaned closer to the camera, his eyes going dark. “I can make you show me.”

  I inhaled shakily. Oh yes. He could, and I would think that it was all my idea.

  “God, I’d let you get away with anything,” I whispered. In fact, I pretty much already had. Very few men would have been granted as much of a reprieve as Fin had. He was dangerous.

  So dangerous to my heart.

  I ended up agreeing to let Fin see one of my fanfics, but not until he got back. And not until I edited it a little, but I didn’t tell him that part. I couldn’t believe I’d told him about that. It made me blush and want to die when I thought about it. At least he seemed to think it was cool. Or at least he didn’t think I was a weirdo.

  Thinking about my fanfic past, I actually went to the site where I posted them years ago. I’d never taken them down, and they were still there in all their overwrought glory. I read the first line and then had to slam my laptop shut. It was just too much.

  Things were going good with Fin. Well, as good as they could go. Our relationship was in a period of stasis, neither going back nor moving forward. We were stalled. It wasn’t bad, I just wished we were moving forward. My feelings for him had definitely deepened since he’d left. Somehow, that was possible. No idea how, but that was the power of Fin Herald. Making me care more and more deeply about him seemed to be his superpower.

  My group was astounded with my work on the project, and I was voted to give our presentation. I didn’t mind, since presentations were one of my superpowers.

  I fought the urge to call or message my father every day and ask about Mom. I didn’t want to bug him, but I wanted to know what was going on. It was hard to not know if she was okay.

  I finally broke down and told Chloe. I just needed to talk to someone, and I didn’t want to burden Fin. She came over to my place and brought coffee and scones one afternoon when she’d gotten off of work early.

  “So, I think something’s up with my mom. I don’t want to say it out loud, because I don’t even want to think it, but…” My chest had gotten tight, and I couldn’t breathe for a second.

  Chloe rubbed my arm. “Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?”

  I took a breath that didn’t make me feel better. “I think my mom is sick. I mean, I think she’s forgetting things. But she’s not that old, and she’s too young to be going through this. Dad won’t tell me anything. I went there last weekend, and she was taking a nap the whole time. My mother. Taking a nap.”

  Chloe snorted. “I’m sorry. That’s not funny. But I can’t imagine your mother sleeping. I just figured she powered down every now and then, standing up. Like a robot. Or maybe she caught a few Zs in a coffin.” My mother did have a few vampiric traits, minus the fangs. This really wasn’t the time to think about the possibility of my mother being a vampire.

  “So, what do you think it is?” she asked.

  “Well, it either beings with a D or an A.” I watched Chloe think about that.

  “Okay, got it. Yeah, I have no idea if she’s too young for that, but she has to be. I mean, that stuff happens to people who are in nursing homes. Your mother is nowhere near being ready to go into a home. They’d have to tranquilize her first.”

  Now that made me laugh. Imagining some people in white coats trying to drag my mother off to a place where her only activities would be water ballet and eating mashed carrots. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

  “You know, we really shouldn’t be laughing,” I said, feeling guilty. “I feel like shit. I mean, the past few years, the only thing I’ve done for my mother is give her enough reason to up her meds. Yeah, she drives me crazy, but I didn’t exactly make things easier on her. Things were so simple when I just didn’t call her, and when I did, I hung up as quickly as possible.”

  Chloe rubbed my arm and I leaned against her.

  “You’re not a terrible person. Hell, I would have cut her off years ago. That doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean. And if your dad isn’t telling you
anything, then I don’t know what you can do, short of knocking down their door or trying to hack into her medical records.”

  I wasn’t going to do either of those things, but they were both tempting for a few seconds.

  “I just don’t know what to do,” I said.

  “What does Fin think?”

  I sighed and put my empty coffee cup down on the table.

  “I haven’t told him. He’s got enough problems already.” Darn, I didn’t mean to say that.

  “Like with his job?” She munched on her scone and gave me a searching look. Shit, why did I say anything? I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t tell her about Fin.

  “Yeah,” I said, and the lie wasn’t completely a lie. His job was part of the greater problem with his father.

  “I can’t even imagine having to do all that traveling. I mean, it would probably be cool for, but after a while I’d just want to be in my own bed, you know?”

  Fin probably felt the same way, even though he wouldn’t say it. His apartment was proof that he wasn’t nomadic on purpose.

  Chloe started running her fingers through my hair. If I hadn’t just had a nice shot of caffeine I might have fallen asleep.

  “But enough about me and my woes. How’s work?”

  Chloe groaned and launched into a diatribe about her fellow employees and their lack of common sense and/or brain cells. I laughed with her, and then we decided to watch a movie.

  “Oh, Sleepless in Seattle is on,” Chloe said. “You know I secretly love that movie but will never admit to it.” That was true. Chloe was a closet romantic movie fan. She railed against them in public, saying there wasn’t enough representation of non-white, non-straight couples. Sure, she had a point, but in secret? She loved them. I used to tease her about it, but I loved them too, so I couldn’t say much.

  This movie made me think of Fin. He’d teased me about Tom Hanks. That gave me an idea, so I got my phone out and took a picture of the television screen and sent him a text.