Surrendering to Us Read online

  I leaned on Lucah and he put his arms around me.

  “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I wished I could do something. Being helpless had to be the worst feeling in the universe.

  “I will.” He held me for a while and we just sat in silence. I glanced down at the clock on the entertainment center. Shit.

  “We’re going to be late for my parents’,” I said, but didn’t move. Lucah did, patting my knee to spur me into action.

  “We can’t be late, Rory.” He made me get up while he rushed to get dressed in one of his suits since he’d just been wearing a tank and jeans. I slowly went to join him in the frenzy to get ready. My hair was all messed up from the massage, but I didn’t really care. I just pulled it back in a bun and called it good.

  I also decided to wear my new shoes, and matched the rest of my outfit with them, going with a black dress and some pearls. Mom loved pearls, because they were so classic. They always made me think of her, and Audrey Hepburn. Lucah was frantic, trying to get his tie done.

  “Why didn’t I realize how late it was?” I motioned for him to stop moving so my steadier hands could fix his tie as he zipped his fly, and I tried fixing his hair.

  “What did you do all day?” The apartment was definitely cleaner when I’d come back.

  “Cleaned, laundry, changed the sheets, dishes, uh, I went out and got some groceries and I went for a run.” He made me feel completely inadequate, and lucky to have him in my life. If he was trying to make up for something, or butter me up before telling me he did something stupid, that was definitely the way to do it right.

  “What did you do? Because obviously if you did all those things, it means you screwed up and are trying to soften the blow,” I said as I straightened his tie and made sure everything else was in place.

  I looked up at him and waited.

  “We don’t have time for this.”

  “Then tell me what it is.” I crossed my arms and tapped my foot.

  He shook his head, because he knew there was no way I was going to let it go.

  “I may or may not have been cleaning and trying to get your shoes in order and I may have dropped one and then tripped on it, and broke the heel off.” He winced as if he was waiting for me to smack him.

  “Where is it?” Looking like a dog that had peed on the carpet, he went and got the shoe and brought it to me. Honestly, I’d done much worse damage after a night of drunken dancing at the bar. All it would take was a little glue.

  “You know I can glue this back on, right?”

  “Wait, you can? I didn’t know you could do that.” He took the shoe from me and examined it. “Will it stay? What if you’re walking and it gives out? You could break your ankle.” His concern was both adorable, and making us late, so I hurried us out of the door and into a cab to take us to the garage to get his car (which was barely a ten minute walk), explaining that I had broken more than one heel in my time and that I’d never had a repaired one give out on me yet.

  He started going on about seeing a cobbler and I asked him if those still existed and he said he’d seen one somewhere in Boston and then we got talking about all the things that had gone out of style. Like video stores and boom boxes.

  We did end up being late, but it didn’t really matter. It was just family dinner. Lucah was still stressing out about impressing my parents. I just smoothed his hair and told him to relax, but it didn’t do much good until the door opened and he morphed into his charming self, like Clark Kent into Superman. No phone booth required.

  “We thought you’d gotten lost,” Mom joked as she took Lucah’s coat. He whispered something I couldn’t hear and she laughed again as we walked into the dining room. I’d have to ask him about that later.

  “So, Rory, how is work?” Mom always asked me that, even though she probably heard enough about Clarke Enterprises from Dad.

  “It’s going well. Lilia is working out.” I knew what she was going to bring up.

  “Walter said they hired a new girl about your age. So you’re not alone anymore. That must be nice.” I didn’t point out that Violet and I were both women, because she was my mother and I would always be her little girl. I glanced at Lucah, but his charm suit was still in place and wasn’t budging.

  “Yeah, it is nice. We had lunch together the other day and I really think we have a lot in common.” With that comment, Lucah choked on a piece of scalloped potato and I banged him on the back as he gulped down some water.

  “My goodness, are you all right?” Mom said. He held his hand up and gasped, trying to get his breath back. I knew exactly why he’d choked. I didn’t mean it to come out that way, but it was kind of funny. In a twisted sort of way.

  “Fine, Mrs. Clarke. I’m fine.” He squeezed my hand under the table and I wasn’t sure what that was about. Lucah’s choking fit did accomplish one thing, and changed the subject. Dad had been silent about Violet, which I found odd, until I realized that Mrs. Andrews must have told him something. Great. I officially had no secrets.

  We finished dinner and had dessert and coffee and then Dad asked Lucah if he could show him something in the study. Mom nabbed my arm and said she needed my opinion on drapes, or some such bullshit. Smooth. Very smooth, parents. But I went along with it. Lucah would tell me about it later, of course.

  Mom showed me the drapes and then got down to business.

  “So, you and Lucah seem like you’re really moving forward.” Jesus, I knew just where this was going. God, I hoped Dad wasn’t doing the same thing to Lucah. I wished I could send him a text to make sure, but Mom would know something was up.

  “Yeah, Mom, we are. Seeing as how we live together and have done so for a little while.” She gave me a look.

  “Watch your tone, Rory.” My parents never seemed to appreciate my sarcasm in times like this. “I am simply pointing out that you have been living together and that usually precedes marriage and babies and so forth. I’m just wondering if you had any news on that. At all?” It was like she’d overheard our conversation yesterday. Did she and Dad bug my apartment? I almost wouldn’t put it past them.

  “No, Mom. I don’t have any news for you on that front.” I held up my left hand and wiggled my ring-free fingers. “We’ve been together less than six months. It’s still too soon, don’t you think?” She fiddled with the drapes.

  “Well, you moved in together so soon that I thought maybe the rest of your relationship would move that fast.” She turned around and gave me a smile, but it wasn’t a happy one. She was fishing, and poorly disguising it.

  “No, Mom. I just don’t think that we should rush it. Because we’re still young and figuring things out.”

  “That’s probably wise,” she said, nodding. It did bother me a tiny bit that she was all sweetness and light in front of Lucah, but then she didn’t seem to approve of our relationship when he wasn’t around. “My parents told me that I rushed into things with your father, but of course I was young and in love and I didn’t listen. But those were different times and I was much more foolish than you are.” She patted my arm and went back to talking about drapes and sconces and curtain rods.

  Lucah and I didn’t get to talk until we got back in the car.

  “So did my Dad ask you if you were going to propose to me?”

  “No, actually. He asked me if I had any more information about the Board, but I didn’t have anything he didn’t already know about. Why, is that what your mom asked you about?” I nodded and told him all about it. I expected him to be shocked, or surprised, but he just burst out laughing.

  “I’m glad you think this is funny. I doubt you would have if you’d been in my position.”

  “You’re right,” he said, trying to stifle his chuckling. “Your mother is a lovely woman, but she kind of scares the shit out of me sometimes.”

  “You and me both.”

  Sloane was on our couch again and this time she’d been crying. Not exactly what I wanted to come home to.

 
“I think this is my cue to make myself scarce,” Lucah said, going to hide in the bedroom, but Sloane stopped him.

  “No, it’s okay. You can stay.” He nodded and sat down on the other end of the couch and I sat next to Sloane, taking her feet onto my lap. Lucah handed her some tissues.

  “What’s going on?”

  She blew her nose before she answered. “I was just thinking about Ryder and how right you are about him and how much I don’t want to be attracted to him, but I can’t help it. You know me, Rory. I always have the worst taste in guys. I always pick the ones that are bad for me.” That was true. Her past relationships left a lot to be desired, and a lot of baggage in their wake. Like she didn’t have enough already.

  “How can you be this into him? You’ve only met him once.” She shook her head.

  “No. We met up after that. Remember that night I said I was staying late at work?” I couldn’t remember the exact night, because she did it a lot. But I agreed in the interest of moving things along.

  “Well, we met up for a drink. Just a drink. We both wanted more, but I kept hearing your stupid voice in my head telling me that I was making a mistake. He was . . . he’s not like anyone I’ve ever met and I just wanted to be around him. That was why I wanted to hire him. I also thought, maybe I was being naïve, that I could help him. I know what it’s like to have a brother who’s on drugs.”

  She blew her nose. Sloane was pretty much the only one in her family that had made something of herself. She had two brothers and both of them had been in and out of jail, one for drugs and the other for drinking and driving.

  “I know what it’s like to deal with someone who has substance abuse. That was part of the reason why . . . I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just trying to fix him.” Most of the guys she’d dated needed fixing, but she’d always taken them as they were and discarded them when they appeared too broken to work in her life anymore.

  “You can’t fix someone, Sloane,” Lucah said.

  “I know, I know. I guess I was just fooling myself. Believing in the fucking fairytale. Seeing him again today just . . . it hit me like a punch in the face. I can’t help the way I feel. But I’m going to try, and I’m going to stay away from him until he can get himself together.”

  She gave me a sad smile and I wanted to cry. Was there anything as awful as a heartbroken friend?

  “Aw, it’ll be okay, I promise.” It might not be okay, and I couldn’t really promise, but that was what you said to your friend when she was upset. I started working on her feet even though we’d had massages that morning. Without me having to ask, Lucah got up and started making tea, and made up a snack platter.

  “Okay, I’ll do it,” he announced, setting the plate of snacks down. “I will watch the Sex and the City movie.” Sloane had been trying to get him to watch it for several of our movie nights, but he had vetoed, or left the apartment, every time. I couldn’t understand that he could watch nearly every other movie that was considered a chick flick, but he drew he line at that one. Until now.

  Sloane smiled and grabbed a cracker topped with jam from the plate.

  “If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s working.” I grabbed Lucah’s chin and gave him a quick kiss. He was the best of the best.

  We ended up watching the movie, and Lucah declared it, “Not as horrible as I thought it would be,” which was as ringing an endorsement as you could get from him about it.

  I ended up walking down the hall with Sloane to her place and staying for a while.

  “Are you okay, really?” We sat on the couch and she started playing with my hair.

  “I just need to let it go. Some things aren’t meant to be, and this is one of those. I just have to accept it, and move on. I just wish I had someone else to take my mind off it, but then I might make some of my typical bad decisions. I’m just not good at being alone, you know?” I did.

  “You know I’m here for you, whenever you need me. I didn’t choose Lucah over you. You’re still my best friend. A guy doesn’t change that.”

  “I know.” She finished the braid she’d been working on and tossed it over my shoulder. “I don’t mean to be so needy.”

  “You’re not needy.” We both knew that was a lie, but we made a silent agreement not to talk about it.

  “Okay, go back to your man. I’m going to be fine.” I wanted to believe her.

  “Look, how about we have a sleepover next week, or something? It’ll be like old times.” She smiled and I got up and gave her a hug.

  “Sure, that sounds great.”

  When I shut the door on Sloane and walked back to be with Lucah, I felt as if I was being torn in half. Like there wasn’t enough of me to give to both of them, so I had to pick and choose who got me. Shared custody.

  “Everything okay?” Lucah said when I shut the door. He was already in his boxers, and I was momentarily distracted from my feelings of being pulled apart by the sight of his bare chest, nipple ring and the constellations of freckles scattered all over his skin.

  “I miss her. And I feel like when I’m with you, I’m abandoning her. Maybe this whole Ryder thing wouldn’t have happened if I had still been living with her. I could have stopped it somehow.” He came toward me and put his hands on my shoulders.

  “You can’t blame yourself for all the bad things that happen. It took me a long time to realize that, and lots of therapy all across the United States.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like a shitty friend.

  “Maybe we should find a new apartment, rent the one next to it, and then just have an adjoining door.”

  He shrugged.

  “If that’s what you want, I think we could arrange that.” He was serious. “I understand how important she is to you. When I met Sloane I knew that she was part of the Rory package. The only place I would draw the line is at sharing a bedroom. And no bunk beds.”

  I shook my head. That would be way too weird.

  “I’ll think about it.” He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.

  “It’ll be okay. I promise,” he said. I wanted to believe him, so I let him take off my shirt and take me to bed.

  I was distracted about the Sloane thing at work the next day. So much so that Lilia pointed it out.

  “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” She’d been going on about something we could do to improve the company website that she’d come up with in the middle of the night.

  She’d been standing across from my desk, but she shut the door, grabbed the chair and sat down.

  “This may not be my place, but something is going on with you. Do you want to talk about it?” Lilia had gone from a girl who could barely make eye contact with me to one that was demanding that I talk to her about my problems. I knew she had it in her.

  Did I want to talk about it? No. Did I need to talk about it? Yes.

  So I started at the beginning, telling her about Lucah and me and our relationship, and Sloane, and kept going, even when my phone rang and I could see more emails popping up on my computer. She listened silently, but nodded to show that she was paying attention.

  “And this is the first time I’ve had a really serious relationship and I don’t think I’m coping with it very well.” She nodded again and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

  “First off, thanks for trusting me enough to tell me about your relationship. I knew already, but it was still nice to know for sure. I think you need to stop stressing out so much. But you knew that. I’m sure everyone has given you plenty of advice, and I’m sure you know, because you’re smart, that what you’re doing is silly and you need to let go of it.” Well. Yes, people had told me that and my brain knew that, but this was my MO. I’d been getting better, but I’d just fallen back into my old habits.

  “Thank you, Lilia. You’re right and I’m sorry that you had to listen to me whine. I owe you an extra lunch for that.”

  She grinned.

  “Happy to help. Now can we go back to talking
about what we were talking about before?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Having my college-aged assistant give it to you straight could have been embarrassing, but it was exactly what I needed. Someone who wasn’t part of my outside the office life to tell me to shut up and get over it. That was probably what people paid shrinks for. But Lilia was a hell of a lot cheaper.

  We had another meeting that afternoon, and this time I was shocked to see Lucah walking toward the Board room.

  “What brings you to this floor, Mr. Blythe?” I said, trying to keep the flirtation out of my voice. It wasn’t easy.

  “Didn’t you read the agenda, Miss Clarke? I’m making a presentation about one of the new apps we’re designing.” No, I hadn’t read the agenda, but I figured that if he was making a presentation, he might have, I don’t know, mentioned it when we were at home. Together.

  “Oh, well, I can’t wait to hear about it.” We were interrupted by Violet walking by. She must have been thinking about something else because she was about to walk right past us.

  “Oh!” she said, seeing Lucah. Then her eyes went to me and she blushed. Those redheads wore their emotions on their sleeves.

  “Hi, Violet,” I said, to show her that this didn’t have to be awkward, even though it probably would be.

  “Hi, Rory. Um, Lucah?” She said his name like a question.

  “Violet,” he said, nodding his head. She nodded back and then scurried into the room and took her seat.

  “That’s going to get less weird the more we do it, right?” I whispered to him.

  “God, I hope so.” As I walked by him to take my seat, his fingers brushed mine and reminded me of the last time we’d been in a meeting together. Which I probably shouldn’t think about, especially while he was making his presentation.