Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven Page 5
I didn’t pay attention to what I was eating or the movie. I was too busy thinking about what could be wrong with my mom, what I was going to do about it, and how close Fin was to me. One of those things was not like the others.
When I finished eating, I slipped out of bed. “I’m going to go call my dad,” I said.
Fin nodded and went back to watching the movie.
I walked out to the living room and sat on one of Fin’s chairs as I called my parents. My dad picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, Dad. It’s Marisol.” I don’t know why I had to announce myself. He knew who I was. Guess I was nervous.
“Hi, Marisol.” He didn’t sound happy to hear from me. “You forgot the check, you know.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I called. The other is that . . . I’m worried about Mom. Really worried. You can’t tell me there isn’t something going on, and you can’t shut me out anymore.” There, I said it. At least I’d gotten it out.
Dad sighed. “I’m taking care of it, Marisol. You don’t need to worry.” His reaction was totally predictable. My father, who had stood so long behind my domineering mother was now the one who’d taken charge. I knew he had it in him, but I never banked on him using it against me.
“I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough,” I said. “I have a right to know what’s going on with her. She’s my mother. And I want to help, if I can.” He didn’t say anything for a while, and I looked at my phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.
“Dad?”
“I’m here,” he said, his voice tight. “Marisol, I’ve got this under control. You have a life of your own, and you don’t need to be dealing with this.” Breaking back into my family was going to be harder than I thought.
“But she’s my mother. I know we don’t always get along, but I love her, and if something is seriously wrong, I need to know, Dad. Please.” The tears came again, and he seemed surprised by them.
“Okay, okay. I just didn’t want to burden you. I know how much you hate coming out here, and I didn’t want to interfere with your life.” Yeah, well, I hadn’t really helped in that situation. I’d always felt little stabs of regret for the way my relationship with my parents had deteriorated, but now it was full-blown.
Yes, I fought with my mother, but it wasn’t all on her side. Maybe this was some sort of wake-up call.
“You can tell me, Dad. I’m asking you to, as your daughter. Please.” He and Mom were the only family I had. Our other relatives were either dead or lived so far away we rarely had contact. I’d always relied on my friends to give me what I needed in the way of family.
“Oh, Marisol. Don’t say things like that.”
“I’m sorry.” Why was I apologizing? “Can I come over, maybe this weekend? We can talk.”
He let out a long breath. “Sure. I’ll let you know what time is good.” A tiny bit of relief sunk into me. I was going to figure this out and deal with it. And Fin was going to figure himself out, and then we could be together the way we wanted to be. Everything was on its way to working out.
“Great. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye, Dad. Give my love to Mom.”
“I will. Love you, too.”
I looked down at my phone. That was one of the most intense conversations I’d had with my father in years.
I walked back to the bedroom slowly and found Fin waiting for me.
“How did it go?” he asked, turning the movie down as I sat back down on the bed.
“Good, I think. I’m going over this weekend to figure things out. I don’t really get along with my parents, you know. My mom less so than my dad. She and I push each other’s buttons, and we always just end up fighting. I like to blame them for the fact that we aren’t close, but it’s my fault too. And I was just thinking that, maybe, this is sort of a wake-up call and somehow we’ll figure out how to be a family.” It sounded corny. Like a line from a movie.
“Just ignore me, I’m rambling,” I said, waving my hand. I noticed Fin staring at me again, and I couldn’t deal with the scrutiny.
“Never. I’d never ignore you. And that sounds so . . . sweet. That you still want to be their daughter and have them be your parents.” He held his arms out and I climbed into them, and he rested his chin on top of my head.
“It sounds so childish. Like I’m still waiting for them to buy me a pony for my birthday or something.” It was a metaphor. I never actually wanted a pony.
“No, it doesn’t. The things that happen during our formative years affect us for the rest of our lives.” Well, he should know. He had some awful things happen during those years.
We sat, and he held me for a long time. Now that the thing with my parents was somewhat stable, I wanted to go back to working things out with him.
“Are you keeping your distance from me?” I asked.
“I’m holding you, Marisol.”
“True, but you know what I mean.”
He pulled back from the hug so he could see my face. “I’m respecting your wishes, Marisol. No matter how much it pains me.” He brushed my hair back and smiled.
“Oh.” I was so used to him being aggressive that I didn’t really know what to do with this Fin.
“Yes, oh,” he said, tapping the tip of my nose. “So don’t be mad at me. You’re the one who made the rule.”
I did. Why had I done that again? I couldn’t really remember.
“As much as I hate it, and believe me, I do, I think at least one of us has to keep a cool head. And it’s not going to be me.” He was keeping pretty cool right now. There was no hint of the struggle he said he was going through.
“I know I was right when I made that decision, and I know you’re right to listen to me, but I kind of hate it right now,” I said.
“Well, that makes two of us.” But he didn’t move to do anything about it.
“You’re very good at this restraint thing,” I said, and he laughed. I quickly realized where his mind had gone.
“You know what I meant,” I said, smacking his chest.
“I’m good with one kind of restraint. Not so much with the other.” And he took my hand, placing it on the bulge he’d been concealing in his pants.
“So, you can see and feel that this isn’t easy for me. I always want you, Marisol. Always.” He ran my hand up and down once, closing his eyes. If I didn’t remove my hand ASAP, things were going to escalate. Fast.
Fin shuddered but gave me back my hand. He opened his eyes, and the space between us buzzed with energy. Something was going to have to give.
“You were the one who made the rule,” he said, his voice low.
“I know. And I made it for a good reason. I’m not thinking clearly right now. Not at all.” The only thing I could think about was Fin and how close he was, and how much I wanted him to be even closer. It felt like an eternity since we’d been together. Since he’d been inside me. I wasn’t the kind of person who couldn’t control myself, but hell. This was not easy.
Fin moved back with a groan. “Sometimes I think you’re here just to torture me,” he said, glancing back at the screen.
“Right back at you.” I sat back and put some space between us. We could do this. We could be around each other without taking our clothes off.
I tried to focus on Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as they emailed each other back and forth and fought in person.
“Do you have a boat?” I asked.
“Uh, no. Why?” He smiled because he knew exactly what I was going to say.
“Because I could never date someone with a boat,” I said, quoting Meg Ryan from the movie.
“You know my father has a boat.”
I made a face. I didn’t want to talk about his father.
“Well, that settles it.” If his father didn’t disgust me enough, the fact that he owned a boat sealed the deal. I would never, ever, like his dad. No matter what.
“My dad has a boat too. And he knows a lot of boat people,” I said, trying to shift the topic fro
m his father to mine. I was much more comfortable talking about the latter.
“Yes, I happen to know a lot of boat people. If my father had his way, I’d be a boat person. But I might like to get one of those duckboats. I’m very fond of those kinds of boats,” he said, grinning at me. I thought back to our first date.
I’d been so naïve then. I almost wished I could go back and warn that Marisol what she was in for, but she wouldn’t have listened to me anyway.
“I think I would support this duckboat plan. Then Carl could drive us all around the city and we’d get to avoid traffic.” God, that would be all kinds of awesome to cut across the Charles every time I needed to get somewhere fast.
Fin chuckled. “I bet Carl would love that. You know you’re an enabler of this crazy plan.”
I winked at him. “Yup. I’m always up for crazy ideas.”
Fin lifted his hand like he was going to touch my face and then dropped it.
“You can touch me without having sex with me, Fin.”
He shook his head. “With you, Marsiol, every touch is like sex.”
Deciding it was too much of a temptation to sleep in the same bed, Fin said he’d sleep on the couch. I fought with him, but he won that round. Short of tying myself to the couch (which would do more to get us to have sex than sleeping in separate places), I had no choice but to let him win.
“Goodnight, Marisol,” he said, brushing a kiss across my forehead. I had to fight to keep myself from grabbing him and dragging him back to the bed to kiss me in a whole lot more places.
But I kept my word and brushed my hand across his chest. “Goodnight, Fin.”
He stepped away from me and I closed the door, resting my forehead against the cool wood.
I turned on the enchanted forest chandelier and got in his bed, moving to the side he’d been laying on and burying my face in the pillow. I’d slept in this bed more than a few times since he’d gone away, mourning the loss of his scent. Now it was back, and I didn’t know how I was going to get used to it fading again.
Fin refused to talk about when and if he was going back, but I knew it had to be soon. God only knew what he told his father to explain this little trip.
I was scared for him. There was absolutely nothing I could do, but that didn’t stop me from being scared.
Closing my eyes, I willed myself to sleep. I did that thing where you relax each muscle of your body, starting with your toes and working upward. It didn’t help.
My eyes popped open, and I stared at the wall. What was Fin doing? Was he sleeping, or was he up reading? I got out of bed and tiptoed through the apartment. I was quiet, but Fin still looked up as I peeked around the corner, into the living room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” He stuck his finger in his book and rested it against his chest. I hung back, not wanting to bug him.
“Wondering what you’re doing. I guess I was lonely.” Funny how I could be lonely even when he was in the same apartment with me.
He sat up and patted the spot next to him. I walked over and sat down.
“What are you reading?” He held up the book. I nearly snorted. “Moby Dick? Really?” I’d tried to read it a few times but couldn’t get past all the whaling stuff, which was the majority of the book.
“It’s soothing, in a way. And I’ve read it a few times, so I don’t have to focus completely on everything about the story. It’s comforting.” I could understand that, I guess.
“I could read to you, if you want.” That would probably put me to sleep faster than anything.
“Okay,” I said, laying back and bringing my feet up under me. Without a word, Fin grabbed a blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and put it on top of me.
I smiled at him in thanks, and he opened the book and started reading from where he’d left off. It didn’t matter that he was well into the story. I wasn’t listening to his words, just his voice as he said them. I loved his voice. It made words sound better than they were and made even an extremely long story about whaling sound sexy.
This time it was difficult for me to keep my eyes open. Fin’s voice acted like a drug, and before I knew it, my head was falling back and I was completely asleep.
“Marisol?” A hand on my shoulder made me open my eyes. I stared up into Fin’s blue orbs.
“What time is it?” I asked, stretching. I was in Fin’s bed and totally disoriented.
“It’s nearly seven,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Did you do that thing where you carry me to bed after I’ve fallen asleep on the couch?” I asked, sitting up and drawing my fingers through my hair. It was awful. I had completely forgotten to brush it when I got out of the shower. Now it was a wreck.
“Breakfast should be here soon, and Carl is ready to take you to class and wherever you need to go.” I could get used to this. But Fin probably couldn’t.
“What are you going to do today?” I asked as I set my feet on the floor and then stretched out my back.
“Not sure yet. It’s up in the air.”
“Don’t they miss you at work?” I finally asked.
He nodded. “Probably.” Wait, he didn’t know?
He wouldn’t look at me.
“I ordered breakfast, and it should be here soon. I also got some groceries for you for when you want to stay over. I didn’t know you’d want to be here so much,” he said, walking toward his closet and closing the door almost all the way so I wouldn’t see him naked. I wasn’t sure if that was for his benefit or mine.
“Fin?” I asked, standing on the other side of the door. “Do they know you’re here? Or did you just go AWOL?” The sound of clothing dropping to the floor met my question.
“If you need to talk to me about it, you can. You can tell me anything.” I think I’d proven that.
“I know,” he said, and the door opened, revealing him in a dark pair of slacks and a white button-down. “I don’t want to talk about that right now with you, and I don’t want you to worry about it. It’s my mess and I’ll clean it up.” His tone left no room for argument.
I didn’t like this. I wanted to be part of his life. I wanted to be his sounding board, his safe haven, the person he could tell anything to. But I guess we weren’t there yet.
“Fin. This is exactly what I was talking about. I don’t need to know every single facet of your life, but I do want to know about the important things. And I’m going to try better to do the same for you.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be like that. It’s just complicated. It involves my father, and I don’t like talking about him with you. I always have this fear that he can hear me no matter where I am. It’s not out of the question.”
No, it definitely wasn’t. Surveillance was quite advanced these days.
“I don’t like thinking or talking about your dad either. Especially now. And if I see him in person, I’m afraid I might actually punch him in the face.” It was just a fantasy, but quite a nice one. It probably wouldn’t happen. I’d probably break my hand on his horrible face.
“I would pay so much money to see that,” Fin said.
He shook his head and then stroked my shoulder. “I’m so happy you’re in my life, Marisol Everly.” And then he went to the bathroom, and I was left standing there wondering what the hell just happened. As usual.
Fin’s phone rang just as he was dropping me off. From the set of his mouth, it was probably his father. He ignored the ringing and placed the phone on the seat beside to him.
“Not going to answer?” I asked.
“No. I’m not.” Well, good for him. His eyes darted to the phone as it stopped ringing and he sighed in relief. And then the phone started up again. Even Carl noticed, and his eyes flicked back to Fin in the rearview mirror as he pulled next to the curb to drop me off.
Carl hopped out and opened my door, and I turned to Fin, but he was staring down at his phone.
I was paranoid the rest of the morning. A phone call with Fin’s father could go one of two ways. Either his father would fuck with his head and tell him he needed to go back, or Fin would finally stand up to him. I hoped for the latter, but I didn’t know if it would happen. Fin had finally trusted me with his biggest secret. It would take him some time to own up to the fact that his father had been manipulating him for most of his life. You didn’t just get over something like that overnight. But he’d taken the first step and that was what mattered.
I just wished we had more time. We should just head to a deserted island, leave our messy and complicated lives behind, and just lie on the beach together. How wonderful that would be. There would be drinks in coconuts and afternoon delight, and lots of spanking. It would be heaven.
When my morning classes were done and I had a break for lunch I sent Fin a text message. He responded right away and some of my paranoia dissipated.
Be right there. ☺
And when I stepped outside, there he was, with a smile on his face and the car door open. I nearly ran to him, but then I saw his eyes.
His smile was put on for my benefit. His eyes were hard and dark. Something had definitely happened during that phone call.
“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Hello, Marisol,” he said, leaning forward to kiss my cheek. His lips were strangely dry.
“Everything okay?” I asked as he slid into the car next to me. He opened his mouth to say something and then seemed to change his mind.
“Not exactly. My father called. Again. And he told me I have to get on the first plane out. He bought me a ticket and I have orders to head to the airport within the next twelve hours or else.”