Deep Surrendering: Episode Five Page 4

  She rolled her eyes and got started on a rant about customers and how much she hated people, and how she wished she could find something else to do that didn’t involve people, or interacting with them.

  “Could you maybe do some of your work at home? Telecommute?” It seemed to be the wave of the future, and a lot of people were doing it. The wonders of the internet.

  She sighed and took out some plates. “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know if the powers that be would go for it.”

  She dished up our food, which was simple but good: chicken with rice and green beans. Chloe was an awful cook before she met Harmony, who happened to be a sous chef and had taught cooking classes. I told Chlo that her food was good, but I didn’t go on and on about it. She still had scars and they were like landmines. I had to be careful where I stepped so I didn’t set one off.

  “I slept at Fin’s last night,” I said, finally feeling ready to talk about it after I’d had something to eat and had a glass of wine in my hand. One drink wasn’t going to kill me.

  “You did?” I had told Chloe about the key. She thought it was both very trusting of him and slightly romantic.

  “Yeah, I didn’t mean to. We were on the phone and he asked me to go there, and then I sat on a chair and was reading a book, and the next thing I knew it was morning and Carl was knocking at the door.” Chloe sipped from her glass and put it down.

  “Wait, the chauffer showed up and knocked on the door?”

  “Yeah, I guess the concierge called Fin and told him I hadn’t left, so he just assumed I’d need a ride,” I said, sipping slowly.

  “So he’s got you on surveillance? That pings my danger radar, Mari.”

  I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I guess he told them to watch out for me if I might need something, and they took it to mean that he wanted to know about my every move. He didn’t ask them to do that.”

  Chloe raised an eyebrow. “He told you that?”

  “No, Carl did. But Carl wouldn’t lie.”

  Chloe snorted. “Of course he would. Look who signs his paycheck. He’d absolutely lie. You need to get in touch with him and ask him about it.” I’d tried, but he wasn’t picking up his phone. I sent another text.

  Miss you! We going to chat tonight?

  It was definitely late in Paris, but I knew it wouldn’t matter. Fin didn’t sleep much anyway.

  Chloe picked up her glass again and twirled it, the wine left in the bottom sloshing around and coating the inside.

  “He wouldn’t do that,” I said, but now that I was talking with Chloe, I wasn’t so sure. Fin was a control freak. I knew that. But would that extend to having me watched while he was away?

  “He hasn’t responded,” I said as I looked down at my phone and willed it to vibrate with a message from Fin telling me that he’d call me in a few minutes, or that he was in a meeting but would video chat with me later.

  “I’m probably just being paranoid,” Chloe said, backtracking. “I tend to think that everyone is out to screw me over. It’s probably just me.” Maybe. But I wouldn’t know for sure until I talked to Fin.

  I didn’t hear from Fin at all, and the longer I went without hearing a word, the more paranoid and worried I got. I didn’t want to panic, but it was hard not to. And then I remembered that I had Carl’s number from that time I surprised Fin.

  Hey, it’s Marisol. Have you heard from Fin?

  It was late, but I had the feeling Carl was always on call and had his phone on him at all hours. I was right, since his response was immediate.

  Mr. Fin has been swamped with work. Can I get a message to him?

  I thought about it and realized I had my bottom lip between my teeth. I released it and typed a response.

  No, that’s fine. I just hadn’t heard from him. Thanks, Carl.

  I was being paranoid. Ugh, I hated girls like that. And it wasn’t like he was off getting wasted on a beach somewhere. He was working. Doing his job.

  Let me know if you need anything, Miss Marisol. No matter what.

  Therapy. I needed therapy. I set my phone down and went to put my pajamas on. Just as I was getting my head through the hole in my t-shirt, my phone rang. I nearly broke my leg dashing to my bed to answer it.

  “Hello?” I didn’t check to see who it was before I answered.

  “Hello, Marisol,” Fin said, and his voice was so weary, it was like he’d aged a hundred years.

  “Hey, how are you?” I toned back my panic and tried to make my voice soft and calm. “Do you want to video chat or just do the phone?”

  “Just this,” he said, and I guessed it was because he probably didn’t look that great at the moment. It was less about vanity and more about him not wanting me to see how exhausted he was. For a moment I pictured his beautiful blue eyes with dark circles etched under them, and his skin pale and drawn from lack of sleep. He would still be breathtaking. He’d always be breathtaking.

  “I’m sorry for texting you like a crazy person. I just … I had a question to ask you about this morning and Carl, but it doesn’t matter,” I said in a rush as the silence closed in on me.

  “Sorry, what?” he said. “I just … it’s been a long day.” I bet it had. It was the middle of the night over there.

  “Then you should get some sleep, Fin.”

  “No, no, I want to talk to you. I like hearing your voice. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me in the past two days.” His voice lightened a bit, and I relaxed a little.

  “Oh. Well. I just … I didn’t mean to stay at your place last night. I was reading a book and fell asleep, and it sort of happened,” I said. “And then Carl showed up and I was pretty confused.”

  He cut me off there. “I swear to you, Marisol, I didn’t ask them to track your whereabouts. I would never do that to you. I like control, but I try to confine it to the bedroom. I’ve had … problems like that in the past, but I’ve never done anything like that with you. I trust you.” His voice was energized from his declaration, and I exhaled, completely relieved. He’d known exactly what I was going to ask and what I’d want to hear.

  “I know. I trust you, Fin. I just … I got too wrapped up in my head, and I didn’t know. I’m sorry for doubting you.” Once we got over that hump, we talked about other things, and Fin filled me in on what had taken place in the hours I’d missed. He had been busy with work, trying to get everything set with his clients before he headed to Germany in a few days. His last stop would be England, and then he’d be home.

  Home. My heart leapt at the idea of holding him again. Seeing his blue eyes turn dark as he unleashed his other side. My body ached for him. My heart ached for him.

  “No, you had every right to feel that way. Under the same circumstances, I would have been suspicious. But fortunately, I can tell you the truth and feel good about it. I don’t normally feel good about telling the truth.” I bet. He had a lot of hard truths to tell.

  “It’s okay. It was just driving me nuts, but now that I know, it’s all good. Don’t waste another thought on it. Oh, and thank Carl for me. Again. He’s a damn good employee. If you ever let him go, I’m going to be pissed at you.” He chuckled a little, I laughed, and the tension that had me wound tight unspooled, and I felt light and almost giddy.

  I curled myself up on my bed and pressed the phone close to my ear.

  “So, where did we leave off last night?” he said, his voice dipping low.

  “I’m not sure,” I said, starting to pull up my t-shirt again. I had to set the phone down again as I disrobed. Sure, I was exhausted and he was too, but the prospect of any type of sex (even on the phone) perked both of us right up.

  “I think I was kissing your face, brushing your hair back,” he said, and his voice sent a rush of heat through my body. All my exhaustion and frustration of the day fell away and it was just him and me.

  “And I’m kissing you back. Oh, I’m also naked,” I said, cringing. I was a virgin when it came to phone sex.

/>   “I like it when you’re naked,” he said, chuckling a little. The sound sent shivers through me.

  “Are you naked?” I asked, getting comfortable against my pillows.

  “Do you want me to be?”

  “Well, yeah. Definitely. I mean, if you want to,” I said. Ugh, why was I so awkward sometimes? Most of the time when Fin and I were together, he didn’t get naked. Just another aspect of his control. But maybe since I couldn’t see him or touch him, the nudity would be okay.

  “I can get naked for you,” he said, setting the phone down, and I heard the whisper of clothes and the thump sound that followed as he disrobed.

  “What are you doing right now?” I said, running my hand over my breasts. This was harder when I had to hold the phone to my ear. I really should have gotten one of those headsets. I’d have to do that tomorrow.

  “I’m thinking of you,” he said, and he was definitely doing more than that.

  “Are you touching yourself?” I asked, and moved my hand lower, caressing the insides of my thighs and working my way upward.

  “Yes,” he said, and I could just barely hear the sound of his other hand, moving up and down. God, that was fucking hot.

  “I’m touching myself, too. Wishing my hands were your hands and your mouth was on me,” I said, moving my hand upward. It became harder to talk as I started, and Fin seemed to be having the same issue. I cradled the phone between my shoulder and ear so I had another hand free to play with my nipples.

  “Faster,” he said, “Faster, Marisol.” A little moan escaped his mouth, and I answered him with one of my own.

  We were both lost for a little while, only exchanging words like “I’m close,” and “so close.”

  “Now,” he said, a groan of release following a few seconds later.

  “Almost there,” I said, and willed my body to catch up with him. A minute or two later, I came, and the phone dropped to the mattress. It took me a little bit of time to retrieve it, as I was caught up in the aftermath of my climax. My hand groped for the phone and I put it to my ear, even though it was sweaty and hot.

  “I’m here.”

  “I thought I lost you,” he said, and there was a tinge of sadness in his words, as if he wasn’t just talking about a phone call.

  “No, I’m right here. Just dropped the phone.” I wiped the screen off on my sheet and got up to open a window. It was stifling in my bedroom.

  “That was my first act of phone sex,” I said. “Was it good for you?”

  “It’s not the same. But yes, it was good.” There was a pause.

  “You’ve had phone sex before, I’m guessing.”

  “Yes. I have.”

  Oh well, no big deal. He’d done a hell of a lot more things bedroom wise than I had. No reason to quibble about this one.

  “But this is the first time with someone I cared about. So you have that in your favor.”

  That made me smile. “Good. So, do I get my secret now?” I flopped back on my bed, lying on my stomach with my feet up and crossed at the ankles.

  “I suppose,” he said with a sigh.

  “Fair’s fair, Fin.”

  He laughed. “I know. I was just teasing.”

  I put a pillow under my head and turned it to the side. “Start talking.”

  He let out a breath, and I could tell he was getting comfortable again. “I used to believe that I was cursed. That everything I touched would break or be ruined. I had reason to believe that. Every time something broke in the house, or something bad happened, my parents seemed to turn the blame on me, even if I didn’t do it. My dog died? My fault. Lamp fell from a table, even though I didn’t touch it? My fault. Dinner party ruined? My fault. If you’re told something enough times, you believe it’s true. So I believed it. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to sleep with someone I dated. It was a way to keep them at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get hurt. I think some of it still follows me around.”

  “The traumas we experience in our childhoods stay with us and shape us as adults. That’s definitely something I know to be true,” I said, thinking about my own life. “I’m sorry they did that to you. I just don’t understand why they would blame you for things you didn’t do. And why they would act like that toward their only child.” There was a thick silence on the other end of the phone.

  “There was a reason, I suppose. Or they used it as a reason,” Fin said, and I had the feeling I was on the verge of getting a two for one secret special.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I said quickly. I always hated to push him when it came to talking about his past. I knew it hurt him, and it hurt me as well.

  “No, I might as well get this out, now that I’ve opened the door. Technically, I wasn’t their only child. I was part of a set of twins. My brother was born first, and he only survived for a few weeks. I think, in some twisted way, they blamed me for his death.”

  I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “What the fuck. That’s so messed up, Fin. What is wrong with them?” I couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around that. Why would you blame a child for surviving?

  “I know. It took me a long time to figure it out and realize that was what they were doing. I don’t try to follow their logic. It’s a path I don’t want to travel down.” I had to sit and think about that for a moment. I just … I had no words.

  “I wish I could hug you right now,” I said, my eyes misting up.

  “I know. But I’ve come to terms with things. Or at least I try to. It’s a process and a struggle. I haven’t always found the best ways to deal with things.” That I knew.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I blurted out. “It doesn’t matter what you did to deal. It doesn’t matter. It’s a miracle you’re even functioning,” I said.

  “Well. I don’t know about that. Some would say my form of functioning isn’t normal.”

  “Fuck normal,” I said, and I heard the surprise on his end. “Who cares what anyone else thinks?”

  “You’re right. I know you’re right, sweet Mari Cherry.” I loved the nickname he’d come up with for me.

  “My parents used to blame me for stuff, too. Not like that, obviously, but other things. I talked to my mom the other day. I feel bad for not being around, but every time I get within a mile radius of her, I start twitching and get stressed out.” It took going away to college and leaving my parents to realize the effect they had on my life. I’d been so on edge from being near them that I had to cut off almost all contact. Some might see it as selfish, but I saw it as self-preservation.

  “I wonder, sometimes, what my life would have been like if I’d been born to a different couple. Do you ever think about that?”

  I had. A million times.

  “Yeah. But I think it’s the case of the grass being greener, you know? Who knows if things might have been worse?” Not sure how much worse things could have gotten for Fin. I didn’t know about any physical abuse from his parents, but there was rampant emotional abuse.

  “True.” We pondered our separate thoughts for a few moments.

  “It’s late, I should let you go,” he said.

  “It’s later where you are.”

  “Yes, but I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep.”

  “You sound exhausted.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” he said. I called bullshit on that.

  “Get some sleep, please. For me. Could you do that for me?” It wasn’t an outrageous request.

  “I can try. For you, Marisol.”

  “Thanks.”

  I wanted to say something else, but didn’t know what.

  “Goodnight,” he said.

  “Goodnight, Fin. Sweet dreams.” We hung up and I set the phone on my bedside table.

  I tried to sleep, but my thoughts about Fin and his life spun around and around like a tornado, and I couldn’t quiet my mind.

  I pictured Fin, that chubby little boy in the picture he’d given me before he left, and
I couldn’t even imagine saying an unkind word to him. There was no justification for that. None.

  I hoped I didn’t run into his dad anytime soon because I’d have more than a few choice words for him. Even though he scared the daylights out of me.

  Fin didn’t deserve the treatment he’d gotten. He didn’t deserve the treatment he was still getting. I made my escape from my parents, but he couldn’t. The chains were locked tight.

  And then I came to a realization.

  Fin was never getting out. He’d never get free of his father. Not unless he was willing to do something drastic and risk losing everything. I didn’t know what it would take, but I didn’t think Fin was ready for it. I didn’t know if I’d have the courage for that.

  The hours ticked by and my thoughts kept swirling. There was no easy answer.

  It was a struggle to get through the next day, due to the lack of sleep from the night before. I had several people ask me if I was feeling okay, probably due to my zombie-like state and the dark thoughts that showed on my face. I had a hard time hiding what I was thinking.

  I texted Rory, saying that I missed her and couldn’t wait to hear from her. She was definitely busy with her job and her new man, which I understood. She messaged me back right away and pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I wasn’t supposed to know about the man part of the equation, so I just played along and wished her good luck at work. I answered her back, asking if we’d made any progress on planning the girls’ weekend we’d been trying to plan for ages. She sent a quick response that she was trying to figure out a new date, and she’d let me know.

  You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard to get four of us away for a weekend, but it was harder than finding Atlantis at this point. Being an adult sucked sometimes.

  Sloane was next, and she sent me back one of her novel-length texts, saying that she was super busy, but if I wanted to drop by the studio, she had some new things to show me.

  I grinned and thought that would be the perfect antidote to the gloom that had descended over me.

  “I have something for you,” Sloane said, pulling me over to a corner of her huge studio where she was working on her new lingerie line. She was preparing for an upcoming show, and to pitch her bras and panties and so forth. She’d been testing a lot of her work out on Rory, probably to the delight of her new fellow. She’d given me a bra and panty set that Fin loved, and there was no doubt in my mind that was what she was going to present me with.