Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight Page 4

  I’d read that somewhere. That now humans were sedentary, and sitting could actually kill you and was as bad for your body as smoking. But what could you do? Everything could kill you.

  “I guess,” I said, sipping my coffee and wincing at a bolt of pain in my skull. My body definitely didn’t like it when I drank.

  Chloe got up and came back with a glass of water and two white pills. “Here,” she said, handing them to me.

  I took them from her and swallowed the pills dutifully. The water was too cold and clashed with the hot coffee.

  I wasn’t going to throw up.

  “Feeling better?” she asked, and I closed my eyes to shut out the brightness of the room.

  “Not really. It’s going to take me a little while. Just . . . shh.” I snuggled into the couch and prayed for my stomach to settle.

  Chloe sat next to me, and thankfully, kept her mouth shut.

  It took a while for me to start feeling better, and even then, it wasn’t by much. I might have to back out of this yoga thing.

  “Okay, I think I’m starting to feel human again,” I said, opening my eyes.

  Chloe was busy messing with her phone. She smiled. “Good. I was hoping I wasn’t going to have to hold your hair back.” Ugh.

  “I’m hoping I’m past that point, but let’s give it a little longer to make sure.” I slowly got to my feet, and my head didn’t slosh around like it did when I’d first gotten up.

  I went back to the bedroom and found my phone and purse. I’d been sleeping on the latter.

  There was another message from Fin. I nearly dropped the phone in my hurry to read it.

  Everything is going to be okay. I’ll call you tonight, or it will be today for you. Can’t wait to talk.

  The tone of the text was upbeat, thank God. Maybe this would work out.

  “Are you ready yet?” Chloe called, and I cringed.

  “Yeah, almost.”

  An hour later I was in downward facing dog and cursing Chloe for suggesting yoga after a night of drinking. The chick in front of me was clearly made of rubber and more than happy to show off her amazing flexibility. There were no men in the class, which I was okay with. I didn’t really want anyone of the opposite sex seeing me like this. I was dressed, and that was about all I could do. Chloe had been the one who put my hair up for me.

  I glanced over to see her scanning the room. Probably hoping to lock eyes with one of the other women. She was hopeless.

  She caught me looking. “What?”

  I just shook my head as we transitioned to the next position. My body protested about being stretched in new ways, but my back cracked and it did feel better to use my body like this. The room wasn’t super hot, but I’d worked up a sweat.

  By the time we finished, I had to admit, I felt a lot better than I did when I walked in. More . . . put together. Less scattered and all over the place.

  Maybe there was something to this yoga stuff.

  “God, I feel ten feet taller. Do I look taller? I’ve heard you can lengthen your spine if you do enough yoga,” Chloe said as we waited in line to refill our water bottles.

  “I’ll believe that when I see it,” I said, filling my bottle and then drinking most of it.

  “So, was it worth it?” Chloe asked.

  “Yeah, it kinda was. I think we should make this a thing we do.”

  She nodded and held up her water bottle. “I’ll toast to that.”

  The two of us headed off to a late lunch after yoga, even though we were slightly sweaty and gross.

  “So, everything is going okay with you? The Fin thing is sort of working out?” Chloe asked.

  I shrugged. I was still on the high from the yoga session, and I didn’t want to think about things that would send me back into stress mode.

  “Can we not talk about it right now?” I asked, and she nodded.

  “Forget I mentioned it.”

  Good.

  “How about you tell me about the lady you spent the night with? Was it a one-time thing, or will there be a repeat?” That got her talking about the good things about that night (in great detail), and the not-so-good things (the woman said “like” too much, and was always talking about her vegan, raw diet).

  “Yeah, that’s probably a no-go. But didn’t you know about the bad stuff before you slept with her?” I asked.

  “Well, yeah. But you should have seen her body. Amazing. Just . . . all the right stuff in all the right places. I might see her again, but it would be purely sexual. Satisfy the itch.”

  I nodded and then my phone rang.

  It was Fin.

  “I have to take this,” I said, and Chloe made a shooing motion for me to take the call outside the café.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I said, and she gave me a thumbs up.

  “Hey, Fin. Long time no talk,” I said as I stepped outside.

  “Hello, Marisol. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve heard your voice.”

  “Same here. Your text was very upbeat. Were you lying to me, or are things actually going well?”

  He chuckled. “No, don’t you go being pessimistic. I do that enough for the both of us,” he said. Wow, he was definitely upbeat. More so than I’d heard in ages. Fin was downright giddy.

  “I guess things are going well, huh?” I wished I could see his face, but if things were going this good then maybe we could video chat, or maybe he’d be home really soon.

  “Yes. I think everything is going to work in my favor, and I’ll be coming back to you soon.”

  He wouldn’t give me details, and that did worry me just a tiny bit. I had no idea what his solution to this problem that had plagued him his entire life could be.

  “Not going to let me in on your secret plans?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

  “I would if I could. I don’t want to take any chances. Leave no trace.”

  Oh.

  “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I said, but the disappointment in my voice was obvious.

  “Oh, Marisol. I’ll tell you everything, I promise. You’ll get a full account when I get back.”

  Good.

  “I’m going to hold you to that,” I said.

  “I hope you do. So, enough about me, what’s new with you?” Right. This was the part where I told him about Sapphire. I was really going to do it this time. It would probably bring down his buoyant mood, but there was nothing I could do about that. The longer I put off telling him, the less chance I actually would.

  “So, um, I met someone the other day when I was going to your place. I have no idea why she was there but . . . I saw Sapphire.” As predicted, he was silent on the other end. Silent for so long I didn’t know if the call was still going. “Fin?”

  “I’m here. What exactly did she say?” I couldn’t reenact our conversation, but I could give him the gist of it.

  “Well, I said something about her not looking like I thought she would. She just had jeans on. I don’t know what I expected, but not that. More leather, definitely. Anyway, she gave me a card and said if I wanted to talk, I could call her and ask for a delivery and then say her name. That was it. Then I left. Please don’t be angry.” I don’t know why I added on the last part. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, except maybe keeping this from him for a few days. Oh, and that one call to the number that I hadn’t completed, but I didn’t tell him about that.

  “This is . . . well, this complicates things. Just when I thought we were going in the right direction and having a smooth ride.”

  Ha. Our ride had never been smooth. I wasn’t sure if it ever would be. Being with Fin was an adventure and one not for the faint of heart.

  “I haven’t done anything, I swear. I wanted to tell you first. I should probably just throw the card away, but I have to be honest, I’m really curious about her and why she was at your place.”

  There was a sharp intake of breath from Fin, as if I’d surprised him.

  “She was at my apartmen
t?”

  “Well, in front of it. I asked her why and she said she’d explain if I wanted to talk. Or you could just tell me.”

  He paused again.

  “I don’t know if I can tell you that story, Marisol. I think it would be better coming from her. You have nothing to worry about. When I said I wasn’t going to visit her, that’s the truth. I haven’t seen her since that one time I told you about. Do you believe me?” Yes. I do. I can’t explain it, but I do.

  “Are you sure you want to talk to her? It’s not going to be weird?” he said.

  “It might be, but I want to do this.”

  Yes, I’d thought about the fact that Sapphire was a woman who had sex with Fin for years—the kind of sex that he and I probably hadn’t had yet. I knew he handled me with kid gloves and I had yet to delve deeper into his desires. I wanted to be ready for that, but I didn’t know if I fully was yet. Telling myself I was ready to be with that side of Fin was one thing, and doing it was another.

  I needed another perspective. Someone who really knew Fin. Thinking of him with her made me a little nauseous, but I could put that aside for a conversation. I didn’t hate either of them for being together. Like it or not, she’d been a part of his life and I wanted to know her story.

  “I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I won’t stop you,” Fin finally said.

  “I figured. If you want some time to think, that’s fine. I wish you were here so we could really talk, but this was the best way I could think to tell you, and I didn’t want to keep this from you until you got back, since I didn’t know when that would be.” Oh, this tangled, tangled web I’d gotten myself into.

  “No, no. I’m not angry with either of you. I’m not, I promise. It’s just . . . an interesting predicament. I wouldn’t have thought you’d want to talk to her.” Yeah, me either. But seeing her in person, and knowing she was real and not just a person Fin had told me about made everything different.

  “She knows you and I want to know you too. That’s it.”

  He sighed. “You have every right to be curious. If you want to talk to her, I have no objections. But be prepared for what she tells you. Sapphire and I have . . . a complicated past. I wouldn’t exactly call it a relationship. The closest thing would be a friendship, I suppose. It’s unorthodox to say the least.” Yeah, well, I was used to unorthodox by now. I could take it.

  “I won’t ask anything I don’t want the answer to, how’s that?”

  “I think that’s wise.” There was a pause as both of us tried to think of something to say. We’d entered an awkward moment.

  “I don’t resent her, or you. Just so you know. I can’t be upset about something that happened before you met me. I’d be a bitch if I did.”

  That made him chuckle.

  “No, I knew you wouldn’t. You’re something else, Marisol.”

  “Something good, I hope.”

  “Something much too good for the likes of me. Now, tell me about something else. Anything else.”

  So I told him about my previous night and my yoga escapade, and he told me about his flight back to Germany and how a drunken passenger had nearly grounded the plane. Then I realized we’d been talking for a long time and I’d abandoned Chloe.

  “Listen, I’m at a café with Chloe, and she probably thinks I’m never going to get off the phone with you.”

  “Understood. I need your best friend to think highly of me. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

  “You’d better.” I hung up and did a little hop of happiness.

  “What was that?” Chloe asked when I walked back inside.

  “What was what?” I asked, sitting back down and not trying to hide the grin on my face.

  “That little skip. Things go well?”

  “Yes, actually. Really well.” Better than well.

  I told Chloe about Sapphire. Well, not the part about her being a professional that Fin had “sessions” with. I told her she was an ex-girlfriend. That was close enough to explaining who she was to Fin. I said I’d run into her outside of Fin’s building, and I was going to meet with her.

  “Are you sure you can handle that?” Chloe asked as we strolled down the street, glancing in windows, not having an exact destination.

  “I won’t know until I actually do it, I guess.” We paused in front of a window displaying a pair of the most gorgeous shoes I’d ever seen, and I took a moment to visually appreciate them.

  “Now those are fuck me shoes,” Chloe said. “I can just picture those on the feet of the yoga girl, and her all twisted up—”

  I put my hand up to stop any further description.

  “You’re very calm about this ex-girlfriend thing. I’d be flipping my shit if I were you.”

  I was calm, and I didn’t know where it came from. I was notorious for freaking out about things, but this didn’t seem to be one of those times. Maybe I’d reached my freak-out quota.

  “I think I’ll start flipping when I call her.” I was definitely going to have to work myself up to that part. I’d already had a practice call, but I hadn’t actually followed through with it.

  “What does she look like?” Chloe asked. I described her, since her appearance didn’t suggest how she and Fin knew each other.

  “Wow, she doesn’t sound like his type at all. Blue hair? Isn’t his dad all corporate and everything? Those people definitely frown on anything that’s unusual. How did they make that work?”

  I hadn’t prepared myself to answer Chloe’s questions about Fin’s “ex-girlfriend.”

  “I don’t know. He doesn’t like to talk about their relationship much. And I didn’t ask, which is why I want to talk to her. I just . . . I need to talk to her.”

  Chloe nodded as we moved on to a store selling used books and decided to go in.

  She dropped the subject of Sapphire (I’d told Chloe her name was Stacy, since the name I knew her by would raise questions I couldn’t answer) and started talking about other things, for which I was grateful.

  By the time I got back to my apartment, it was nearly dinnertime, the yoga high had worn off, and I was just achy and sore.

  I had to see my parents tomorrow. But first, I had a phone call to make.

  I dialed the number on the card carefully and started pacing the room. I was going to follow through this time. Another cool voice answered; this time it was male.

  “How may I help you?”

  “I need a delivery,” I said, my voice shaking as I said the words like Sapphire had instructed. If I were in a laughing mood, this might feel like a scene from a movie and not something in my real life.

  “What will you require?”

  “Um, Mistress Sapphire.” My voice struggled to say her name, but I got it out. There was a clicking noise, as if he was typing something into a computer.

  “I see she has Tuesday at three o’clock available. Is that suitable for you?” I did a quick mental scan of my schedule. My Tuesday afternoon class had been cancelled because my professor was out of town for a conference. So actually, it worked perfectly.

  “That would be good.”

  “Tuesday at three.” And then he hung up. Um, what? That was it? I assumed I was supposed to meet her, but I had no idea where. I stared at the phone in my hand and thought about calling back for a clarification, but didn’t. Well. That didn’t work out the way I thought it would.

  Ten minutes later my cell phone rang from a blocked number. I answered it, hoping it wasn’t a telemarketer or phone scam.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Hi, is this Marisol?” the voice said, and I recognized it as Sapphire’s.

  “Yes. So, that was weird,” I blurted out. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

  She cut me off. “No, it’s fine. I just have to be very careful. You understand. Anyway, I can meet you anywhere you want. We just have to be discreet about it. I’ll be in regular clothes as I can’t exactly walk around in my work clothes without causing a scene.”

  Work
clothes. I could imagine those would make people look twice in Boston.

  “Sure. That makes sense. Um, I’d rather not do this in a public place if we can help it.” That would leave my apartment. I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with that.

  “You can come to my place if you want,” she said. Wow, okay. She must have sensed my hesitance about going to her place.

  “What about Fin’s place?” I asked. It would make the most sense to go there.

  “Are you sure?” she said.

  “Yeah, I have a key. And it was where I bumped into you.” That couldn’t have been a coincidence.

  “I’ve never been inside,” she said, as if giving me an explanation. “I just . . . well, we can talk about it on Tuesday. So Fin is okay with you talking to me?”

  “Actually, yes. I thought he was going to be upset and tell me no, control freak that he is, but he just gave me a warning that I might not like some of the answers you’d give me.”

  She sighed. “True enough. Fin and I have been through a lot together. I wouldn’t call us friends, but we’ve known each other for years and that forges a sort of closeness.” He’d said the same thing.

  “Wouldn’t you get into trouble with your . . . boss for talking to me about him?” I had no idea about the hierarchy of her profession.

  “Fin is no longer a client, and if you don’t tell anyone, I won’t tell anyone.” I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell anyone. Well, except Chloe, and I would omit a lot.

  “I’m not going to tell anyone. Well, except for Fin.” I tried not to think about how insane this phone call was.

  “Okay then. I’ll meet you out in front of Fin’s building at three on Tuesday.”

  “See you then,” I said, and then she hung up.

  What had I gotten myself into?

  I was a half hour early to my parents’ house. I’d thought about calling Carl to take me, but I got a cab instead. The guy dropped me off, and I paid the fare. I had no idea how long I was going to be here and didn’t want to waste the money asking him to hang out. I could just call for another cab when I was done.

  The cabbie pulled away, and I shivered with a chill, despite the high temperatures and the bright sunshine that beat down on me. I headed for the front door and knocked. I always felt strange knocking at a door I’d walked through thousands of times in my life.