Dark Surrendering Page 22

  “When are the models getting here?” I asked. On show day, Inari was my savior, my sanity, my everything.

  “At noon. Well, they’re supposed to be here at noon for fittings, rehearsal, hair and makeup,” Inari said. It was a lot to squeeze in to only five hours, but we had to get it done.

  Time blurred. I turned into a whirling dervish, trying to get as much done as I could in a very short period of time. Before I knew it, I was standing backstage, the seats were filled, the lights were up, and I was holding a microphone in my hand.

  How the hell did that happen?

  I walked out and the lights fell on me. That rush I always got when I had a show intoxicated me and it was almost too much to stand.

  “Welcome to my show. I’m Sloane Harris of SH Designs, and this is my first foray into lingerie. No, I didn’t mean for that to rhyme,” I said, and there were little titters of laugher. The lights were so bright on the runway that I couldn’t even see the crowd, but I didn’t need to. Everyone who counted was here, except for one notable exception.

  Ryder. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about him in Colorado up on a mountain. I hoped he was thinking of me.

  “I hope you enjoy the show, and I hope you enjoy seeing my creations as much as I did making them. I’d like to thank my entire team at SH Designs, including my assistant Inari. I’d also like to mention my other family, Rory, Lucah, Chloe, Marisol, and Ryder. I love you all. Thank you.”

  I waved to the crowd then walked backstage, my heart going crazy as the crowd applauded.

  Showtime.

  The lights came up, the music came on, and I watched the video screen from backstage. Inari was in charge of getting the models in line and telling them when to go on, so I could actually watch the show and hopefully not stress too much about it.

  The first look came out, and I couldn’t help the tears that started falling. I cried at each show. I would probably always cry, even if I did a hundred shows. It always felt like the first time.

  Kelly came over and stood next to me. I put my arm around her and we watched the show, squealing in excitement as each look came out and the model did a little kiss or cute pose. I’d told them to be fun and flirty and to have a good time during the rehearsal.

  “It’s so perfect, Sloane. So perfect,” Kelly said, squeezing my hand.

  It was. There was just one thing missing. I wished Ryder was there. The final look went out and the model did a little dance on the end of the runway. Inari dragged me out to do a little walk and take a bow, but this time I curtseyed since I was wearing a dress. Flashes went off and I scurried backstage again to bask in the afterglow as hugs rained down on me and the excitement hit a fever pitch.

  Almost perfect.

  “To Sloane!” Rory said, raising her glass. My friends had surprised me with a party after the show at my studio with all my staff, interns, and friends.

  “To Sloane!” they all said, and we drank to that.

  “Thank you all, I couldn’t have done it without you,” I announced. It was true. No one was an island unto themselves. You could try and go through life without help from others, but you’d live a pretty lonely life and you wouldn’t get far.

  “It’s too bad Ryder couldn’t come,” Rory said into my ear.

  “I know, but it just didn’t work out.”

  She sighed. “It would have been really romantic if he got out on the same day of the show and you didn’t know he was going to be here and then he surprised you.” True, it would have. But this was reality.

  According to everyone who talked to me, the show was a massive success, but only time would tell if I’d get calls from buyers. If I didn’t get very many, I’d have to start pitching to them myself. I had a few stores who already had my other lines set up, but we still needed to finalize everything. The work was just beginning.

  But first we had to live it up.

  My high from the show lasted more than three days. It was boosted by getting several calls on Monday from potential buyers wanting to set up meetings, and their enthusiasm was overwhelming.

  I did the math and if they did as many purchase orders as I thought they would, I was looking at potentially doubling my staff. It was what I’d always hoped for, but damn, I never thought I’d get there by making bras and panties.

  Ryder’s letter from the day of the show arrived on Monday, and I read the entire thing with a grin on my face. He’d written it as if he’d been in the audience.

  That one, I love that one. You’d look really good in that. Oh, and the trim on that is fabulous. You’re so talented, Sloane. Oh, I remember you showing me the sketch for that. Wow, look at that color! It really pops.

  I laughed out loud. He was just too ridiculous.

  Near the end of the letter, he got serious again.

  I know the timing of me coming here was shitty since I couldn’t be there for your show, but I will be there for the next one. And the next one. And every single one. Even if you don’t want me there, I’ll be there. In the back. Lurking like a creeper in the shadows.

  I’m so proud of you and so honored to know you. One of the first things I want to do when I get back, even before I have a real shower and shave, is watch the video. It won’t be the same as being there with you, but it’s the next best thing.

  Hey, what do you think about calling all the models in and doing a reenactment? Or maybe you could model for me . . .

  I rolled my eyes at that last part. He was flirting with me via letter, and I loved it. He would never change, that man. And I really hoped he didn’t. I loved the way he was.

  Two weeks left until he came home. Two more weeks until I could hear his voice. With the fashion show over, I didn’t have this huge event consuming my time. Sure, I still had tons to do at work, but I had more free hours in my day. I tried to fill them with sketching and working on the bridesmaids’ dress designs and three of the potential wedding gown designs for Rory. I’d had my mind made up ages ago on one dress, but I wasn’t sure now, so I did some others. She’d sort of put her wedding planning on hold while Ryder was gone, but I was still going to get working on her dress.

  “So, what do you think?” I said, laying the three sketches out in front of Rory with little fabric swatches to show her the color and feel.

  “Can I have all of them?” she asked, brushing her fingers across the sketches.

  “Yes,” I said. I’d already planned to make her a separate dress for the ceremony and reception.

  “No, that’s silly. I only need one dress,” she said.

  “Two. One for the ceremony, one for reception. You have the big dramatic one for the ceremony and then something more fun and easy to dance in.” I was only showing her three designs, but I had plenty more. I’d made dozens.

  “Really?” she said.

  “Yeah, people do it all the time. It’s a thing now.”

  She didn’t look like she believed me, but it was definitely a trend in weddings.

  “Well, if it wouldn’t look too extravagant. I want the wedding to be nice, but I don’t want it to be too stuffy and formal.” It was bound to be a little formal if her mother had anything to say about it.

  “Do you have an idea of the venue yet?”

  She got a smile on her face. “Well, I was thinking, you know how my parents have that big beautiful yard? We could put up a tent and do the reception there. I don’t know about the ceremony yet. Lucah really wants to do it in a church, but I’m not so on board with that. I think I want to be outside. Either on the beach or in a garden or something. But then you have to think about rain, so there’s that. I don’t know.” Sounded like she needed to actually visit some places.

  “Listen. Go online with Lucah, find a few places that you might like, and go see them in person. You won’t know what you want until you stand there with him and picture the whole thing,” I said. Like I was some sort of wedding guru.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. We still need to set a date. It’s just a
lot to think about.” It was, but she had time, if she was going for a date say, next summer.

  “You could always elope,” I said. She gave me a horrified look as if I’d suggested she get married in the aisle of a department store.

  “Do you think my parents would let me do that?” she asked. “Do you think that my mother, my mother, would let me get married without her there to oversee and criticize every single detail? And don’t even get me started on Dad not getting to walk me down the aisle.”

  It was true. Her parents would probably murder her and Lucah for doing that.

  “Okay, so which dress for the ceremony, do you think?” I ask, pointing to the sketches.

  Rory studied the three sketches again.

  “Yes,” she said, handing them back to me with a smile.

  “Three dresses it is.”

  I got through the last fourteen days before Ryder got back by reading his letters. They got longer the more days he was in the program. I could also tell that he’d written different parts of the letter at different times throughout the day. I liked that he was thinking of me all day because I was certainly thinking of him.

  My own letters to him had gotten longer as well, and I sometimes found myself thinking of things to add during the day when I was at work. I’d jot something down on a scrap of paper then paperclip it to the letter at night. Sometimes I didn’t have paper, so I used whatever was handy, including gum wrappers, receipts, and napkins.

  I moved everything to a bigger box, and I couldn’t wait to hand my letters to Ryder.

  “So, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to pick him up?” Lucah asked two days before Ryder was due to come home. I hadn’t mentioned wanting to go, but I really, really wanted to.

  “Yes,” I said immediately and a little too enthusiastically. “I mean, if you think that would be okay.”

  Lucah laughed. “Yeah, that would be okay. I think he’d be pissed at me if I didn’t bring you. He might have threatened me during our last phone call.”

  Oh, really? Ryder hadn’t told me about that.

  “Huh,” I said, trying to fight a smile.

  “His flight gets in at five, so if you want, I can come get you at the studio in my car and we can head to Logan,” he said.

  “I want to come too,” Rory said with a little pout.

  “Sure, you can come, sunshine. I wouldn’t leave you behind. Ever.”

  She held his chin and looked into his eyes.

  “You’d better not. Or I’ll come find you and it won’t be pretty,” she said with a sweet smile.

  “I wouldn’t dream of ever leaving you, my darling,” he said, clutching his heart.

  “That’s right,” she said.

  Sometimes the two of them were too much.

  I was going to get to see Ryder in two days. Two fucking days.

  In the letters, Ryder was the same guy I’d always known. Maybe a little more introspective and open. But I did worry a tiny bit that he might have changed too much from the guy who had left me a month ago.

  Every now and then I had these nightmares that he’d come back to me and be all into meditation and finding his inner peace, and he wouldn’t have time for me anymore. Probably not though, right? He couldn’t have changed that much in a month.

  I couldn’t concentrate for the next two days. Inari just got used to repeating everything someone said to me at least twice. She also wrote me daily notes so I’d know what I was supposed to be doing. And she yelled at me for the first time ever when I apologized for being so out of it.

  “Listen, it’s okay. I’m fine with being your eyes and ears for the next two days. That’s my job. I know your mind is somewhere else, and I’d be the same way. I’m actually surprised you haven’t been this way for the whole month,” she said.

  My only response was to give her a massive hug that engulfed her.

  “It’s okay,” she said, patting my back. “We’ve all been there.”

  I thought about apologizing again, but then I didn’t.

  “Lunch is on me,” I said.

  “You’re the best boss.”

  I wasn’t going to get some of Ryder’s letters until after he was back, so he made sure to send me a “final” letter. It wouldn’t be the last one, but since it took a few days for them to get to me, this would be the final letter I’d get while he was gone. I went home on my lunch break just to go get it.

  I can’t believe by the time you’re reading this, I will be ready to come home. I feel like I’ve spent a lifetime here, but also that only a day has passed. Does that make any sense? It probably doesn’t. I think this high altitude is fucking with my head.

  I won’t lie, I’m scared about coming back. I know I’m moving in the right direction now, but will I be able to keep that going on my own? I know I’ll have help, but it’s a lot easier to be good here where I’m surrounded by trees and deer and shit, and there is next to no temptation.

  But I guess I shouldn’t think that way. That’s setting myself up for negativity. I have to think positive. Don’t worry, I won’t go all eat, pray, love on you. Or at least I’ll try not to.

  I have no idea what it’s going to be like to see you again. I’ve pictured your face and your expressions and heard your voice in my head. I’m scared about that, too. That you will have moved on. That you’ve realized you don’t want me in your life anymore. But you know what? That’s okay. I think I’m strong enough.

  Sloane, if you never want to see me again, I’ll understand. I really will. So it’s okay. I just wanted you to know that before we see each other again.

  The letter went on to talk about other things, but I couldn’t get past that part where he said he’d understand if I didn’t want him in my life. It was crazy. Of course I wanted him. I wanted him more than ever.

  “Ready to go?” Lucah asked me as I dove into the backseat of his car. I’d been sitting at the window to my apartment, staring out at the street and waiting for his car to pull up for the past hour.

  “Are you kidding?” I said. Rory turned around in her seat and gave me a grin.

  “Pretty much.” Lucah laughed and pulled away from the curb.

  “What’s in the box?” Rory asked. I’d debated about bringing the letters with me or giving them to him when he got back, and I chose to bring them with me. Like a dork, I’d wrapped a bow around the box so it really looked like a present.

  “Just something for Ryder. Something I’ve been saving to give him when he came home.”

  Rory raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s not a bunch of nude pics, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I said. I hadn’t told Rory or Lucah about the letters. I wanted them to be a thing between me and Ryder only.

  “I’m not thinking anything,” Rory said, feigning innocence. Yeah, right. I knew what she was thinking.

  “Uh-huh,” I said, sitting back in my seat and willing the car to go faster. I knew it could if we were on the open highway. Lucah had a badass Camaro in beautiful condition. I wasn’t much of a car groupie, but this thing was pure sex.

  “I got him a little something too,” Rory said, turning around again.

  “Yeah? What?”

  “It’s stupid,” she said.

  “I’m sure it’s not. What is it?”

  She looked at Lucah then turned back toward me, passing me a box. It was made of leather and had hinges. I opened it up and revealed a men’s watch.

  “Dad always gives out watches when someone gets promoted, or has a baby, or something good happens in their life. It seemed appropriate at the time, but now I’m thinking it’s dumb,” she said, reaching out to take the watch from me.

  “Hold on, let me look at it. This isn’t a dumb gift, Ror. Not at all.” I kind of loved it. Sure, it was old-fashioned, but Ryder was a bit of an old soul anyway. He’d appreciate the thought that went into it.

  “He’s going to love it, I promise,” I said, snapping the box closed again and handing it back to her.

>   “Really?”

  “Really.”

  Lucah had a hell of a time finding a parking spot at the airport, and finally he pulled over to let me and Rory out so he could drive around and find a place to put the car.

  Rory took my hand as we walked toward the gate for his arrival.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “You’re welcome.” We went as far as we could before getting stopped by a threatening sign warning that we’d basically get tackled by TSA if we went any further.

  Ryder had texted Lucah letting him know he had landed, so now we just had to wait. My stomach was more than fluttering. Butterflies were slam dancing around inside me, and it wasn’t all that pleasant.

  “Sloane?” Rory said. I kept my eyes on the people walking toward me, searching for a head of red hair and a sexy swagger.

  “Yeah?” I said, my heart going crazy when I saw someone wearing an orange-ish hat that obviously wasn’t Ryder.

  “Can I have my hand back?”

  I finally looked at her. She was grimacing and shaking our joined hands. I realized I’d been squeezing her hand so hard she was probably in pain.

  “Oh, sorry.” I let go and she flexed it a few times, probably trying to get the feeling back into it.

  “I know you’re excited, but Jesus. I need my hand.” She was smiling when she said it though. I looked away from her, and there he was. Standing not five feet away from me. It took me a second to realize, and then I was airborne and throwing myself at him.

  I slammed against his chest, and he stumbled backwards a bit before his arms went around me, holding me tight.

  “Hey, Sloane,” he said in my ear as I held him so hard I thought I was going to break my arms. He smelled different. Not bad. He smelled like the woods. Well, the woods plus his regular Ryder smell that I remembered. I inhaled and just melted.